


Daybreak

by wonderingcloud



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Book: New Moon, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Imprinting, Imprinting (Twilight), Major Original Character(s), Original Character(s), Sisters, Slow Burn, Strong Female Characters, Twilight References, Vampires, Werewolf Mates, Wolf Pack, twilight werewolfs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:23:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 69,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26493340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderingcloud/pseuds/wonderingcloud
Summary: A year ago Alexandra Clarke moved to the small and under-appreciated town of Forks to live with her father for the first time since her mother's death. Slowly but surely the place started to win its way into her heart (not that she'd ever admit to it) but everything is thrown off balance after the arrival of her slightly-estranged half-sister Isabella Swan.Thanks to her sister, and some incredible chance encounters, Alex finds herself thrust into an entirely different world... a world of magic and monsters right on her doorstep. With this new life comes some of the most incredible people she has ever met, but also some of the most dangerous. Alex Clarke never wanted to be a target, or a victim, or a hero of any sort.All she ever wanted to be was more than 'the other sister'.And to Paul Lahote she is... she's absolutely everything.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Embry Call/(platonic) Original Female Character, Embry Call/Original Female Character(s), Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Jacob Black/Bella Swan, Jared Cameron/Kim Connweller, Paul Lahote x Original Female Character, Paul Lahote/OC, Paul Lahote/Original Character(s), Paul Lahote/Original Female Character(s), Sam Uley/Emily Young, Wolf Pack (Twilight)/Original female character
Comments: 257
Kudos: 378
Collections: Twilight FanFiction Collection, Twilight: Wolfpack Fics, oc self insertSI





	1. Prologue

I didn’t go with my Dad the day he went to collect Bella from the airport, I thought I’d save them the added awkwardness of the half-sister in the backseat. Hopefully, it would give them some beloved-father-daughter bonding time. Instead of tagging along, I opted to stay at the house and complete the English essay due on Monday, and when I gave up on that, I put some music on and started doodling in my textbook instead.

Turning the volume up on my headphones, I tried to drown out the anxiety that was creeping up inside of me, tapping my fingers on the table in beat with the tune rather than at a nervous pace that would steadily increase until my muscles cramped and marks would be left in the wooden surface. In fact, my music was so deafening I didn’t notice the police car that had pulled back into the driveway at first.

Watching my sister clamber out of the vehicle I was weirdly disappointed. My sister didn’t look like much, almost identical to the photos of her I had seen around the house (except a few years older) and over very bad quality video calls. Immediately the similarities between her and I in our pale complexion and mid-brown hair were obvious, but that was basically when any hint of us being related to each other ended. I watched as she clutched a small plant in her hand, looking up at the house she was about to live in again. Dad opened the boot and started to take her bags, Bella herself swinging her rucksack on her shoulder and grabbing some things out too. I contemplated going out to help them, but by the time I’d have reached the bottom of the stairs they’d already be done, so I just continued to watch from my window like some unnoticed creep.

I finally pushed away from my desk as they headed towards the door, padding down the stairs as the beloved Bella Swan re-entered her summer home. Might as well make an appearance, now was as good a time as any.

“I-err Bella, you remember Alex?” Dad blundered his way through introductions, clearly not having planned how this bit of Bella’s return to Forks was going to go.

“Yeah,” Bella replied, looking me up and down with an awkward attempt at a smile somewhat gracing her face.

The widow’s peak protruding down her wide forehead was another unmistakable feature she must have in inherited from our father – our father – it felt unusual to say that. But if there was one feature of Isabella Swan I was drawn to, it was her eyes. I had often stared in the mirror wishing that there was something more to my plain grey ones, people with interesting eyes always appeared to be more beautiful. And Bella’s were truly nice to look at. Dark brown like chocolate and wide-rimmed with thick lashes – they must be from her mother. Dad had brown eyes, but they were almost as ordinary as mine appeared to be. 

Dad looked to me and I suddenly realised that I had been staring intensely at the girl for too long to be considered anything other than judgingly. Turning back to Bella I smiled, more successfully than her attempt,

“Hey, how are you?”

“I’m good.” She replied nodding her head awkwardly and dropping her eyes to the wooden flooring.

Not much of a talker then.

I continued to observe. She was pretty I decided but in a very traditional way. Her hair was pulled back in a small hairband and a brown cardigan was worn over her shirt, in her hands, she clutched a small cactus, clearly a piece of Phoenix she had brought with her. I imagined I looked like a bit of a mess in front of her.

I hadn’t bothered to get up until at least eleven o’clock, so my hair was a mess of curls from where I’d let it dry in the air and I’d dressed in a large t-shirt, leggings and a pair of thick fluffy socks, my headphones still around my neck. Not the picture-perfect little sister she may have been expecting. Meeting in person was very different from the occasional Skype call. I was pretty sure I even still had some eyeliner smudged under my eyes from last night, despite the shower.

I didn’t dress scruffily on purpose, but then again I didn’t exactly put effort into presenting myself in front of her. If she was going to be living here with us then there was no point creating a fake image that would only be shattered the first time she saw me in my PJs, hair all over the place and glasses balanced on my nose.

Grabbing one of the suitcases from Dad, I glanced at all the bags - pretty sure I didn’t arrive with as nearly as much stuff as she did. Leading them up the stairs and towards ‘Bella’s room’ Dad said he’d cleared some shelves in the bathroom for her, which actually meant he'd moved half of my stuff to make room for her, but she just replied,

“Oh right. One bathroom.”

I was kind of tempted to make some snarky comment about our home not meeting the standards of her Arizona mansion, but one flick of the eyes from Dad and I swallowed it down. I could try and be polite for his sake.

“Here we go,” I said positively, opening the door to the room.

She glanced around it, clearly wondering why it hadn’t changed since she was last here. I sometimes wondered the same thing, for different reasons though. In the whole year, I’d been living here the door was hardly ever open, leaving me with the box room at the back of the house.

“It’s a pretty good work lamp,” Dad tried to sound normal and fatherly, flicking the light on and off. “The sales lady picked up the bed stuff and… you like, you like purple right?” He placed his hands on his hips looking down at it worriedly, as if for a second the colour of the sheets may screw up the whole homecoming.

“Purple’s cool,” She replied, clearly picking up on Dad’s efforts, “Thanks.”

Silence fell for a few moments as Dad grappled with something else to say. I watched from the doorway, leaning against it after I’d placed Bella’s bag on her bed. She’d better appreciate the room; it was almost twice the size of mine.

“Well I’ll leave you to settle in,” I said, already done with the amount of tension swallowing the place whole,

“Okay,” Dad pats the sides of his legs and follows me out the room.

One good thing about Dad was that he didn’t hover, one of the very few characteristics I’d inherited from him as well. He followed me back down the corridor, to my room on the other side of the house. I could feel Bella’s eyes watching us for a moment as we disappeared.

“Just, give her some time Al,” Dad said once we were out of earshot. “She’s not like you. Things might take some getting used to.”

I opened my door, stepping inside my sanctuary once more, unable to keep the slight bitterness in my voice after his comment, “Yeah, because it was so easy for me moving here,”

“Just be nice, okay?”

“Sure,” I replied, promising because he was my Dad and despite everything, I cared about what he wanted.

Even if that was never me.

Closing the door, I practically faceplanted on my bed. Was I a little bit bitter about the whole Bella scenario? Probably. But her awaited arrival was all Dad had talked about for weeks, months even, and I couldn’t remember the same excitement greeting me when I rocked up on the door, even if it was under different circumstances.

I wished I didn’t get it, but I did. After all, Isabella was the child he wanted with the woman he loved.

Me, I was an aftereffect of that marriage crumbling and the product of the failed attempt at love that followed.

Bella didn’t even get how lucky she was. She had a mom in Arizona or Phoenix or wherever and Bella had the option to be with her, she just chose not to. She chose to come and live in this miserable excuse for a town, which is more than could be said for me.

I mean, I was just starting to get used to things around here, not that I missed back home any less. I’d even grown closer with Dad now we were living together. We had fun. When Bella wasn’t here it was almost like, I don’t know… I guess I just forgot that he was anything other than just my Dad and that to him, I was just the other one.

Dad loved me. I knew that.

I was just being pathetic.

I’d turned down a party invitation in favour of a ‘family meal’ with Dad and Bella tonight, which would probably just end up being something stuck in the microwave and eaten on the sofa, and I was seriously starting to regret my decision to stay in. I wanted to see Harvey again, even if it only had been twelve hours – probably less than - since we were last together.

I sat back down at my desk, pulling out my sketchpad and pencils to pass the time, sparing a glance at the single photo frame I kept on my desk. Bella had no idea how lucky she was to even have a mom. I still couldn’t believe she’d chosen to live here, in this forsaken place instead of being with her, and yet, she still dared to look around it as if it was beneath her.

I didn’t know what Bella’s relationship was like with her mother. I kept reminding myself I was in no place to judge her choices and that maybe she did want to be here, to see her Dad after years apart. Sometimes I get the nagging feeling that maybe there was a reason her summer visits stopped soon after I moved in…

Taking a deep breath, I clenched and unclenched my hand around the pencil as a reminder…

Just be nice… or try to be anyway.


	2. Part One- I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Is it me? Am I the reason people always leave?'

Every life seems to have turning points. Some have multiple, some have few. Some come from massive decisions, some from small, hardly noticeable actions. But there will always be a point in time when things change - for whatever reason. There will always be an exact second in time where night turns into day.

For me, it was when I met him.

However, without the events that happened before that moment and the decisions I made because of them, that meeting would never have happened. So, it’s important to understand exactly how I ended up sitting on a cliff in the middle of the night with a bottle of beer in my hand - despite hating alcohol and being terrified of heights – right next to Paul Lahote.

***

I sat, sunk into the couch and hunched over my withered and worn copy of Macbeth, eyes squinting to make out the inked words in the low lamplight. The TV whirred endlessly in the background; Dad far more interested in the match than I was in the book in my hands. It was evenings like these that I loved. Both of us together, enjoying each other’s company yet settled into our own little worlds.

It was dark out already, casting silhouetted shapes onto the wooden floors and the house was still and quiet. Bella was out, playing baseball or something with Edward and his family. That, in itself, was remarkably unbelievable as it was a well-known fact that Bella despised any form of sport that required even a modicum of coordination, let alone wooden bats and flying balls. If it was anyone else I would have said it was a well-concocted story that allowed her and her boyfriend to have a secret rendezvous, but this was Bella and Edward we were talking about and the level of physical intimacy in their relationship never appeared to reach past holding hands – they both seemed as awkward as each other on that front.

Their whole relationship was surprising actually. Not just for me, but the entire high school too. The ever-elusive Edward Cullen finally taking interest in a girl, and not any girl, but my sister, the very plain yet lovely Bella Swan – it was almost ‘front-page of the school newsletter’ worthy. I wasn’t sure what Dad thought of their relationship, I guess he was used to Harvey and me by now, but he certainly acted differently to Edward’s introduction than he did my boyfriend’s; the whole over-protective-dad vibe setting in. Me, on the other hand, I didn’t mind the guy. Sure he was a bit weird and kind of looked like he was constantly in pain and his eyes were so intense it felt like he was burrowing into your head, but Bella seemed enamoured with him and if she said he was good enough, then I believed her.

Speaking of Bella, she was quite late back from her ‘game’. Normally at this time, she would be in her usual place of the kitchen, rustling up something actually edible from what’s in the fridge. It had kind of become her job to cook, after all, Dad and I were equally useless at it. As I had mentioned it was dark outside, and it had been for quite some time now.

I glanced over my shoulder at the door as if she would miraculously appear in front of it that second, a reasonably new, yet not unwelcomed sense of familial worry wiggling in my stomach.  
Bella was okay. Actually, she was more than okay and over the past three months, I found myself enjoying having her here more and more. Sure she was pretty socially inept, utterly clumsy and had a dire sense in fashion, but she was nice and it made Dad happy having her here. I could deal with sharing the bathroom with one more person if it meant I got to see Dad smile the way he did when the three of us were talking.

I guess I was half expecting my half-sister to arrive on the doorstep and focus on the ‘half’ part of our titles. I thought maybe she wouldn’t want to know me because after all, it was Charlie and her mum that were married and it was Charlie and her mum who wanted a kid together. Yet, here I was – born only a year and a bit later after a short-term rebound relationship between him and my mom. But I should have known Bella didn’t have a jealous or judgemental bone in her body… unlike me.

Dropping Macbeth onto my lap with a resigned sigh and slowly stretching out my ever-cramping legs I officially admitted defeat. Worse comes to worst I could always wing the pop quiz tomorrow. I knew enough quotes to get by and I’d already read the stupid book through once anyway. Although it was no uphill battle the ease of reading never came to me as it did to someone like Bella who could probably recite the whole of Shakespeare in her sleep. No, I preferred the definite logic of science the coherent explanations that could also be explored and experimented with. It was lucky I was good at it, wanting to become a nurse and all.

But I was tired and reading through drooping eyelids was almost impossible, so I picked up the tattered paperback, page ends smudged with annotated pencil marks and heaved myself off of the sofa that I was slowly melting into. Dad’s eyes barely flicked from the TV for a second before falling back onto his game, a complicated mess that I would never understand.

The book fell on my desk with a deadened thud under the weight of Author’s notes, Historical references etc… adding a good hundred pages worth of thickness to the play. Like every teenager, my hand instead wondered for my phone, which lay abandoned at the edge of my bed where I had left it two hours ago. Still no reply from my so-called boyfriend. I pocketed it anyway, turning to go back downstairs. It was late, I was hungry, and Bella didn’t seem to be making a show any time soon, so I guess dinner fell on me tonight. Back to ready meals it was.

My hand was on the door handle when the calendar hanging on the wall caught my eye. It was a stupid one with a picture of a different monkey for each month, but I remember thinking the yellow-armed spider monkey on the front cover was particularly cute when I bought it. Anyway, it was a stupid purchase because the dates on the actual calendar were so small they were hard to read unless you were up close and squinting, which was why it was surprising that I even noticed today’s date at all.

March 13th.

Surely, I read it wrong. It couldn’t be, it only became March, like, yesterday. But as I recalled the past days in my head, going so far as to even count on my fingers the number of days since I last made an affirmative note of what the date was, I stopped. It was the 13th of March, no doubt about it.

There was this weird feeling in my chest, this uncomfortable warmth pushing against my heart, and it appeared in my stomach as well. Suddenly my breaths became a lot more noticeable.  
How could I have forgotten? I couldn’t have, right?

I must have somehow, subconsciously known what day it was and just chosen to ignore it, act like nothing was happening. That was far better than the truthful alternative, that I had simply forgotten my own mother’s birthday.

There it was again. That sinking deadweight in my chest, that crushing feeling that caused my eyes to prick slightly.

It wasn’t because I hadn’t done anything spectacular to commemorate it, no. What I felt was an undeniable sense of betrayal on my own behalf. I’d betrayed my mum by not remembering, by getting so absorbed in this new life – whatever that might be – that any thoughts of her simply left my mind.

How long had it been since I’d thought about her?

Too long. That was the answer. It had been months since I’d cried when asleep, or snapped at the mere mention of her name, or screamed into a pillow because it just wasn’t fair.

But it wasn’t too late. It was still the 13th of March. Therefore, I could do something before it was too late. I could go out, drive somewhere beautiful for a while… I wouldn’t leave flowers, no she hated the shaggy grocery store bouquets… but I could sit and think for a while, maybe have a chat with her like I used to. It wasn’t like I could visit her grave.

Okay.

I wiped my cheeks, finding them dry. Good, I hadn’t cried.

I opened the door again and padded down the stairs once more. Dad was still in front of the television and my heart dropped further when I saw him. No. I had no right to feel like that. I had no right to assume he’d even remember. Dad had a terrible memory when it came to anything, let alone the birthday of someone he saw for three months and who’d died two years ago. I opened my mouth to call to him, but as I did my attention was caught by the click of keys in the door as Bella burst through, clad in a brown coat, her scarf swinging with her movement.

“Edward I said leave me alone!” She cried, turning round to face him in the doorway.

Dad started at the sound of his older daughter’s raised voice and I hurried down the last few steps to see what was going on.

Edward stood out on the porch, his face one of slight desperation as he spoke.

“Bella don’t do this, please.” He begged,

“It’s over!” Was her immediate reply, “Get out!”

With that, she swung the door shut right in his face and almost pushed past me on her way up the stairs. In three months I had never seen Bella this emotional, let alone this angry at anyone. I looked after her with shocked eyes and a slightly parted mouth as she rushed up the stairs.

“Hey… hey, hey, hey,” Dad leapt off the couch quickly, sparing a glance at Edward – still stood outside the door in shock, before running after her.

It took a second for my mind to catch up, but I followed after them too, that nagging feeling of concern flaring up again. “Bella? What’s going on?”

She didn’t stop moving, crossing the corridor to her bedroom shaking her head,

“I just gotta get out of here,” She opens her bedroom door, “I’m leaving, now.” And slams it shut behind her.

“What do you mean?” I called after her, not disguising the immediate hurt in my voice as much as I wanted to.

Leaving? I opened my mouth to speak again but dad held up a hand to stop me, calmly knocking on the door instead.

“Bella…” he called.

No response.

“Bella, what’s going on?”

I looked to Dad and his eyes showed the same cluelessness I felt. What the hell had Edward done? Two minutes ago I was spouting about how they were the least dramatic couple I had ever met and now here we were standing outside my sister’s closed-door after a face-off on the doorstep.

“Bella, are you alright?” I called when there had only been silence from her room after a few minutes.

At that moment her door opened and she re-emerged, hair messed up and a large duffel bag filled with clothes in her hand. She closed the door behind her, more calmly this time, and walked straight passed Dad into the bathroom,

“Did he hurt you?”

I just watched from the doorway as Bella opened the cupboard and started piling the things from her shelves into the bag.

“N-No,” She replied,

“Break up with you or something?” Dad asked again, looking for answers to her erratic behaviour.

“No, I – I broke up with him,”

The door is once again closed in our faces.

Dad seemed lost as I watched on. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to help the situation.

Dad sighed, shrugging a little, “I thought you liked him…”

No reply.

He looks to me, but I can’t think of anything. Sighing again his hand gets placed on his hip and he leans against the doorway. I guess this was normal teenage behaviour and he expected having to deal with it at some point, only he probably thought it would be with me and not Bella. Still, he didn’t seem to worry yet, even with her stuffing a bag with her possessions, the sight of which made me nervous. She wasn’t actually going to go, was she?

The door opened again.

“Yeah that’s – that’s why I have to leave,” She said, beelining again for the bathroom, “I, I – I don’t want this. I have to go home.”

That was like a punch in the stomach.

Hurt flashed across Dad’s face for a second, before he rid of it.

“Home? You’re mum’s not even in Phoenix,”

“She’ll come home… I’ll call her from the road,”

“You’re not going to drive home right now,” Dad told her, his frown deepening, “You can sleep on it.” He pushed off the wall, “If you still feel like going in the morning, I’ll drive you to the airport.”

Bella kept walking and I had to step aside for her and her suitcase, the bag slung over her shoulder. She couldn’t meet my eyes. I watched as she descended, Dad quickly following,

“No! I – ” She sighed, “I wanna drive. It’ll give me more time to think.”

I rushed down the stairs afterwards, following her and Dad as they entered the kitchen, “I mean, If I get really tired, I’ll pull into a motel, I promise.”

She pulled a couple of things from the counter, food that I assumed she’d eat on her way ‘home’. I didn’t want to look at her right now, but I couldn’t help but watch as she got ready to leave us, to decide that we’re not good enough for her.

Dad seemed to become more desperate, watching his beloved daughter leave when she just re-entered his life again.

“Look Bella,” He started, “I know I’m not much fun to be around… but I can change that. I – I can, we can, do more stuff together…”

There’s a pause.

And whilst I knew he was desperate to make Bella stay I couldn’t help the nagging thought in my brain. He never offered to do more stuff with me…

But Bella threw the words back in his face anyway.

“Like what? Like, watch baseball on the flatscreen? Eat at the diner every night? Steak and cobbler?” She shook her head, “That’s you, that’s not me.”

She brushed past him, arms weighed down by her baggage. I stand the doorway, knowing my eyes are slightly teary now, but how could they not be? I thought we were getting closer, I thought she wanted to be here… I thought she wanted to be my sister. I guess I was wrong.

“Bella, please stay.”

She looked into my eyes as I spoke and for a moment it was like her resolve was cracking. My eyes were begging her to put her stuff down, to turn around and say that her relationship with me was more important than the bust-up she’d had with her boyfriend not ten minutes before, that I actually meant something to her after all this time.  
But then her face re-set itself and she walked straight past me, brushing my body to the side.

That was it for me.

Dad still followed her to the door,

“Bella, come on, I just, I just got you back.”

I watched silently as she bit her lip and shook her head slowly, facing away from him completely; about to break his heart.

“Yeah? And you know if I don’t get out now then I’m just gonna be stuck here like mum.”

Dad didn’t move as the door slammed shut behind her. He just stared at the wooden frame and glass panelling, blinking slowly. He stood there, letting her words soak in, accepting it. But I wasn’t about to.

I marched past his statue frame and into the cold of the night, slamming the door again behind me. The hurt was still there, but I pushed away the tears, my fingers balled into tight fists, eyes narrowed, and teeth clenched together.

“You can’t just do that!” I called after my so-called sister from the top step, but Bella Barely looked at me before opening the door to her beat down truck that I hated so passionately and getting inside, “You can’t just leave! After everything, he’s done for you?”

I knew what I wanted to be yelling, but my pride wouldn't let me: Please stay Bella. Aren't we enough for you? Aren't I enough for you? I thought you wanted to be my sister?

But instead, I said nothing of the sort and she turned the key in the ignition.

“Bella!”

She looked at me.

“I’m sorry.”

But she wasn’t. She wasn’t sorry at all.

If she was sorry she would have climbed out of the car and come back inside. She would have unpacked her bags and talked things through. She would have stayed.

But she didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's chapter one! As you can see from the heading the stories going to be split into parts and the first part covers the end of Twilight before the next moves into New Moon. I thought this would be the best way to organise the story, otherwise, it can get quite complicated quite quickly. 
> 
> Please don't hesitate to let me know what you think about it! I really love any feedback you might have, I'm still quite new to this! 
> 
> xx


	3. Part One- II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'All she wanted was the effort that she gave.'

The house was still quiet when I walked back in. This time, the door was closed softly behind me, the gentle click of the lock the only sound hanging in the air. Momentarily finding the room empty of Dad, everything finally seemed to settle – like a dull, dense weight pressing on my shoulders – but I pushed any thoughts of Bella right to the back of my mind. It wasn’t like we were that close anyway.

I couldn’t waste time thinking about Isabella Swan right now when I should be thinking about the most important person in my life. I should be thinking about someone who actually mattered to me. I should be thinking about my mum. And how I nearly let her down today.

So that’s what I did.

Dad was in the kitchen. He stood, shoulders slumped, palms face down on the table as if he was physically leaning on it for support. I hung back in the doorway, the floorboards seeming to creak underneath my weight. He turned over his shoulder and for a second, I thought a glimmer of hope flickered in his eye before it promptly withdrew. I wasn’t Bella.

“How about I get you a beer?” I asked, quietly entering the room, “You go put the game back on.”

Passing him I opened the top cupboard pulling down two bottles. He usually only drunk one, but I felt like right now two might be necessary.

“Yeah,” He sighed lowly, pushing off the table with slumped shoulders.

How was it he looked like he’d aged five years already?

“Dad?” I called after him, causing him to turn and face me.

I swallowed deeply, trying to form some kind of smile on my face for him, “You know... I’m still here,”

“Yeah Al, yeah I know.”

He tried to smile back, but it was empty and sullen and just made my chest drop further.

We sat together on the couch, on opposite sides, in silence. Once again, the only sound was the white noise of the television, only this time it wasn’t comforting. It made my skin prick and my fingers tap silently against my leg. Figures ran around aimlessly, and I wasn’t even trying to follow the action.

Both beers stood unopened on the edge of the table, untouched by Dad as his eyes were glued to the TV, and mine on him. He was watching the screen, but he wasn’t paying attention to what was happening either. His head was somewhere else, probably on the events that happened fifteen minutes ago. He was probably running through what he could have said, what he could’ve done to make her stay…

“Dad?”

My words seemed to snap him out of his reverie and haul him back to reality. He sat up straight, shaking his head.

“I should call Renée,” He stood up, moving away from me,

“Dad,” I called after him again as he moved up the stairs and towards his phone,

He finally turned to face me, and I nibbled the inside of my cheek slightly to stop the stinging in my eyes falling down my cheeks as I finally spoke, “Dad… it’s mom’s birthday today.”

He just stared at me. He didn’t know what to do with that information.

“Look,” I started forwards a bit, “I know it’s late and everything, but I was thinking maybe we could do something, you know–”

“Not,” He cut me off, sighing, “Not right now Alex,”

“But-”

“Alex, please… not right now.”

The exasperation in his voice as he rubbed his hand over his forehead caused my eyebrows to fold together as I stared at him. My lips parted; the frown clearly visible on my face as he continued upstairs.

I took a deep breath, anger curling hot in my gut at his words. I watched as he turned around as if that was the end of it, but I couldn’t leave it. This was… this was my mother’s birthday. This was the one day of the year that he would spend time remembering her with me… the one time when I felt like me and my life were the most important things to him… like how I felt actually mattered… He was my Dad… The only parent I had left...

But I was one of two for him. And the wrong one at that.

“I bet if I was Bella you’d care.”

I couldn’t stop the words falling from my mouth. Quiet, but still enough to be audible over the silence of the house. Dad froze in his place.

The tears were properly stinging my eyes now, sucking my bottom lip through my teeth was the only way to stop them falling now, biting down so hard I thought I was going to rip right through it.

Looking back, my words were harsher than I ever intended them to be. But at that moment… it hurt, it all hurt so much and I was angry.

I was there. Bella wasn’t.

I stayed. I cared. Not her.

I was just so sick and tired of trying and trying and still only ever being second best to the girl who doesn’t care at all.

And I just wanted my mom back.

“Alex, you know that’s not true.” Dad seemed to finally recover from my outburst, walking closer to me, but I shook my head, stepping back.

“You wish it was me who walked out the door.”

“I love you.” He said sternly, “Just like I love your sister,”

There it was, that word again. Sister. The person who’d just walked out of my life as well.

“And I want you _here_ , with me.”

“Yeah well you’re in luck,” I scoffed, a single tear finally rolling down my cheek.

I wiped it away hastily with the sleeve of my jumper, “Because unlike Bella,” I couldn’t help spit her name a little, “I have no mom left to run back to.”

I grabbed my shoes from the door and quickly slid them onto my feet, the back of my left trainer getting folded against my foot. I didn’t bother to fix it. I grabbed a coat and my keys from the bowl by the door, thinking for two seconds before grabbing the beers from the table as well.

Whilst I did this Dad was padding back down the stairs, and if I’d looked back at him I probably would have seen his face was wrought in worry and concern, as well as a little guilt for making me feel this way, but I was too caught up in my head to even spare him a glance.

“Where are you going?”

“Out,” I replied shortly. Taking a deep breath, I added, “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Wasn’t like I had any other choice.

When the door closed behind me again for the third time that night the guilt hit me at the same moment as the cold night air slapped me in the face. I wonder if Bella felt the same.

Sniffling as I climbed into my car, I hated how much I was acting like my so-called sister. But I wasn’t leaving. I didn’t have the option of escaping this wretched place and driving off into the sunset. I would return, but I could escape for a few hours.

I hesitated for a moment, maybe I should go back in? I shook the thought away. Why was I feeling guilty? They were my emotions and I was tired of hiding them. I had every right to feel that way, didn’t I? My body hurt, my mind hurt and I was too tired of constantly pretending that it didn’t.

***

There was a light on in Harvey's front room when I pulled up onto his drive. I knew his parents would be out, they were barely ever home – involved in some kind of international business or something. Harvey didn’t like to talk about it. Though it did mean I could hang out there whenever I wanted, and his house was absolutely massive, so I guess there were upsides to absent parents sometimes.

Like today.

The two beer bottles lay on the seat next to me. I don’t know what possessed me, grabbing them like that. I hate alcohol.

I guess, maybe a cruel part of me wanted to scare dad a bit. Or maybe, I was sick of being the perfect daughter and felt no point in maintaining that behaviour anymore – although either way, it was a remarkably stupid decision.

Considering bringing them in with me, I glanced at the glass bottles with distaste. That was a bad idea, Harvey would just glug down both and then I'd be left with a drunk confidant, which was the opposite of what I needed right now.

However important this tradition on this day was, I hated doing it alone.

I didn't want her to think I was lonely without her.

It was stupid, I knew that. But having someone else there made it feel more okay like I could show her that although I missed her – and damn did I miss her, so much, so so much – I was doing what she would've wanted and living my life. Maybe today was a good day to introduce her to my boyfriend.

Or maybe it wouldn’t be. He found stuff like this weird.

I just wanted to talk to him.

The spare key was where it always was, underneath the conveniently placed flower pot like it is in every cliché ever. It took me a few seconds of scrabbling to retrieve it, it was pitch black now and the automatic porch light he had was broken. But I did find it, and it slid easily into the lock.

Looking back, I should’ve worked out something was wrong the minute I stepped into the house. But I didn’t.

It should have been the silence that I noticed, the lack of television or music coming from the living room – which had a light on, so I assumed he would be in there.

But, I didn't think anything of it, walking straight towards the door, open ajar.

I guess I was so caught up in myself, caught up in building up for the rant that was about to come, caught up in the wave that had been growing and growing the whole evening, ready to spill over...

I was so caught up that when the door opened, crashing against the wall loudly, I didn't have a reaction prepared for what I saw.

Three faces turned to me and for a moment silence engulfed them all. Normally, I wouldn’t have thought much of the scene except for two things. One: all three of them had an array of different expressions on their faces and two: Harvey’s hand was on top of Libby’s and their fingers were entwined.

“Alex…” Someone said.

I couldn’t work out who, or what tone they spoke in. I didn’t want to know.

My eyes narrowed in on that first. Clearly following my eyesight, Kayla wrenched her hand out from underneath his and looked back up at me. Her face was impassive, but her eyes told a million other stories, much like I was sure mine were doing at that moment.

“What’s going on?” I asked, hating how weak my voice sounded against the blanket of silence.

“Did you call her?” Harvey suddenly turned to Jason with a glare,

“No,” He replied before turning back to me.

Jason looked odd. Different, from how I had ever seen him before. He was usually the one with the great big grin plastered on his face, he left the grumbling and smirking to his best mate Harvey. But, today, his jaw was clenched and there was this sort of firm resolution in his eye. He looked angry… no, he looked betrayed. It felt wrong.

His eyes met mine and I knew he wanted to say something, but instead, he turned back to his sister, “But now she’s here you have something to say, don’t you Libbs?”

Libby gulped in return, her big, dark, eyes already glistening wet with tears and her thin frame was shaking.

Libby was the first friend I made when I moved, and the only one who stuck with me despite myself. I was struggling back then, after all, I’d just lost my mother, my home and all of my old friends within the blink of an eye. I’d been packed up into a single suitcase and two plastic carrier-bags and shipped off to a rainy town in the middle of nowhere. So it was no wonder I wasn’t jumping for joy at the prospect of starting at the high school. Still, those first few months, Libby made it worth it.

She slowly introduced me into her large group of friends, (the girl was quite the socialite) and with it her twin brother Jason. Of course, with Jason came his best mate Harvey too and you can guess where the story goes from there. Libby had been the driving force behind Harvey and I getting together, instead of pussyfooting around each other like we had been doing for ages. That was four and a half months ago – just a bit before Bella arrived.

No, I wasn’t thinking about her.

Libby was very beautiful, half-Quileute with gorgeous bronze skin and glossy black hair to die for. She was very thin, all skin and bones in appearance, but at the same time tall too. Jason was much like her, a slightly more masculine carbon copy to be precise. But now, for some reason, they couldn’t have looked more different.

Libby's shoulders were slumped like she was caving in on herself and Jason was staring down at her expectedly.

“I… I can’t!” Libby suddenly cried, running dramatically from the room.

Surprisingly it was Harvey who moved to follow straight after her but was stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder. Jason glaring down from his six-foot-whatever frame at his best friend. That was definitely wrong. Jason and Harvey were thick as thieves. And Jason had never looked that mad before, let alone at his mate.

“Don’t,” He told Harvey, “I’ll go after her.”

There was clearly a silent second part to the sentence along the lines of ‘you stay here and explain’, which was good because I was more than just confused right now. Still frozen in my spot by the door I watched as Jason left the room, after his sister, but not before glancing back at me. If anything his eyes were filled with… pity?

If I hadn’t guessed something before, then I should’ve done by that point. I refused to acknowledge the sinking feeling in my gut, it had been sinking all day anyway and surely things couldn’t get any worse. The Universe couldn’t hate me that much right?

One look into Harvey’s eyes pretty much told me it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry, it's been a while, life is seemingly getting started again. I know the second half of this chapter may feel like a super-cliche, and in a way it is. But please bare with me, it's more than that too! Things just keep getting worse and worse for Alex eh? 
> 
> Also, 160 reads is crazy! Thank you so much to all of you for giving my story a try - it means the world to me! All the lovely comments I've received have really helped make me want to post more and more. The next chapter will be up as soon as possible...
> 
> Please leave any comments or feedback you can and don't forget kudos! I love seeing the messages left so much!


	4. Part One- III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.'

I suppose you could say grief is like fire.

At first, it’s an explosion, all scorching heat and blinding light. An almost unearthly natural phenomenon that shocks the world around you. It happens suddenly, out of the blue and then it’s all around you, everywhere you look. You can’t escape it.

Then it becomes like the flames as the initial shock wears down. It’s still hot, it still hurts, but it’s slower, more consuming, spreading and spreading until the entire world is engulfed in its destruction. The flames are the most painful because they last. Days roll into days, roll into months, roll into years… and so on. They don’t only consume you as a person, they consume time too – only you still feel every second of every day. And through all that, there’s only the pain.

After that, it slowly reduces to embers. A hardened black crust forms over you, solidifying an image for the outside world that says, ‘I’m not there, but I’m trying’. Pieces of you still flake away into the air, but people feign ignorance, filled with a pitiful hope that you’re still you and that they’re slowly guiding you out of your darkness and into the light.

Only, you don’t want the light because, under that charcoal surface, the fire still burns bright enough. The pain still roasts you alive, but it makes you pitifully stronger, so the molten ache is only visible through cracks in your shell. They are the only evidence of the grief that now manifests so deep inside of you that you’ll never escape it.

Finally, all that’s left is ash.

But ash will still burn skin. The remnants are still hot to the touch, scolding anyone who comes too close to the subject, scolding you when you force yourself to think about it, to remember what caused the grief.

Two days a year I scoop up that ash and hold it tightly in my fist.

Today was meant to be one of those days, and I almost forgot.

I kept my mind on that as I drove down the twisting roads. I’d been driving for longer than fifteen minutes now, no idea where I was going, except that it was in the opposite direction to home.

Could I even call it home anymore? Had it ever really been that?

My grip on the steering wheel was so tight my knuckles were white. My eyes were glued straight on the road in front of me as metre by metre more of the concrete ribbon appeared in the headlights.

I hated driving.

But it kept me from thinking about _them._ When I drove, I only thought about the car and what was happening in front of me. Otherwise, I’d start hyperventilating, and that wouldn’t be good.

I don’t know why dad even bought me a car, I told him that I would never drive unless absolutely necessary. After what happened he wasn’t exactly in a position to question me about it.

It wasn’t my fault.

Just for emergencies, he said. I don’t think this is what he had in mind.

It was actually Dad who paid for my lessons, as a birthday present. His card had said that maybe when I had passed my test, I could drive down to see him more often. It made me happier than anything else that day.

The rest of my birthday had actually been a bit of a disaster. There was an awful stomach bug flying around school, so I had to reschedule the pizza and movie marathon I had planned with a group of my friends. Because of that, mum and I then decided to head to the mall for a shopping trip instead and, I know it sounds crazy, but my mum was the best person in the world to shop with. Though, maybe she was just doing her job as a mum when making me feel so good about how I looked in the clothes.

That bit of the day was good, but then there was this restaurant/cafe place that we stopped at for lunch. On the surface it looked like one of those quirky niche places, out by the thrift stores... but we then regretted it when halfway on the drive home I had to stick my head out into the bushes. I then missed the next two days of school, and not even because of the stupid stomach bug.

I spent the evening having a different kind of movie night to the one I was expecting. Wrapped up in blankets, in front of the fireplace – the only weird feature my mum insisted we had in our flat – watching Harry Potter with a bucket clutched in my lap.

I still remember the heat of the flames seeping into my skin - but thinking about it only brings back the other type of burning, that of the ash in my fingertips, and I clutch the wheel tighter.

If a deer were to jump out in front of me now, I would be so screwed.

Shoot, my eyes were stinging.

There was wetness on my cheeks.

I was crying.

That was bad.

Practically, it was bad because it meant my eyes were blurred and I couldn’t see properly. Wiping the water away would mean removing my hand from the wheel and controlling my breathing would mean I wasn't focusing on driving as hard as I should be.

Emotionally, it was bad because it meant this was really happening. I was really falling apart.

I needed to pull over.

The wheel turned sharply in my hands. I was lucky there roads were abandoned at this time of night. I wasn’t a bad driver, but that didn’t mean I was a safe one. No one's a safe driver.

But the minute I turned my engine off, I didn’t have to focus on the road anymore and I let ut the longest breath, that I didn’t even know I was holding in.

That was when the events of the past half an hour came rushing back.

I had always loved Harvey’s kitchen. It was one of those big ones, with no walls between it and the living room. It had a huge island sticking out into the middle of the room and those spinning stools that were the height of impracticality, but so much fun to sit on. I often perched on them, spinning around as he flipped something in a pan – I loved watching him cook – a bright red apple from the fruit bowl clutched in my hand because I was too impatient to wait for the food. Everything was either black or white and highly polished. The whole house hardly fitted into the vibe of the miserable old town, looking more like something out of a stupid high school drama on the TV.

I suppose I shouldn’t really be making fun of those though. Sitting in my car now, my life felt pretty much like one.

At that moment in the kitchen though, Harvey had stood behind the counter like it was a protective barrier between the two of us, somewhere to duck behind if I had thrown things at him... I'd wanted to.

“What’s going on Harvey?” I asked him quietly once the twins had left the room.

It was a simple enough question. If there was one thing I thought I could rely on my boyfriend for, it was his honesty. With all the walking on eggshells around me when I first arrived in Forks, and the simmering whispers of pity behind my back, or the awkward silence when I snapped over nothing... He was the only one to tell me straight when I was being my worst self.

Then though, he didn’t speak.

Of course, I already knew what was going on. You’d have to be an idiot to deny it, and I was a lot of things, but I was bloody good at reading a situation. How stupidly ironic was that?

I wanted to give him a chance, to be honest with me though.

Really, I don’t know how I managed to keep my calm when I stood there, mind going a million miles an hour. Maybe a tiny part of me wasn’t surprised about what happened. Losing everyone I cared about in one day? The whole thing sounded morbidly familiar.

Still silence.

That meant it was up to me.

“So...You and Libbs then,” I said, my voice strangely calm and less accusatory than I thought it would be.

“Lexi...”

I’d always hated that stupid nickname.

“Don’t.” I'd cut him off, shaking my head, “Just don’t. I’m not dumb... Though – though I guess you think I am huh?”

He wouldn’t look at me.

“How long? How long have you been sneaking around behind my back without me noticing? Cos that’s what’s happening, right?” I cocked my head at him, “You _are_ cheating on me.”

“Don’t say it like that,”

“Say it like what? Like the truth?”

I couldn’t.

I just couldn’t.

My mind couldn’t take it.

My heart couldn’t take anymore.

“I love her Lex,”

 _Screw_ _this_ , I thought.

“Sure you do.”

Sitting here, car pulled over on the side of the road and surrounded by darkness, I could understand it. In some sick, twisted way I could understand how easily someone like Harvey could think he was in love with a girl like Libby. She was stunning and pretty people are always the easiest to fall for.

Because they’re beautiful you can wash over the flaws, move past them without too much thought. It’s just human nature. The pretty ones always win. Just like Isabella Swan did.

But what I didn’t understand was out of all the people who were like Harvey, those people who had fallen for the pretty girl, why would she choose him?

Harvey was a scruffy brunet with scraggly hair that was too long at the front. He was lean, like a beanpole, and always had either a scowl or smirk on his face. He was rude and sarcastic and never apologised for anything...

I suppose I should be asking why I liked him.

But I did. I really did.

“I didn't cheat on you Alex,” He had said, and I had scoffed in reply,

“I didn't,” he'd insisted, “We hadn’t even kissed until...”

“Until tonight?”

“... Yeah,”

“And that’s when Jason caught you.”

“Yeah,” He sighed, “Look I was gonna talk to you... it was just – just that Libby was so scared she’d lose you forever...”

“No.” I stopped him, “Don’t try and guilt trip me,”

And if my life couldn’t possibly get any fuller of the most cliché moments, that was when the door had opened again and a bleary-eyed, red-rimmed, shoulders-shaking Libby had walked back in through the door.

“This is on you… Both of you.”

“Alex, I...”

“Stop.” I sighed, my head shaking in realisation.

What I realised was that I wasn’t going to do this. I wasn’t going to stand there and listen to this. I wasn’t going to do whatever this stupid, hateful, painful day was meant to be. I just couldn’t.

So, I turned to face my so-called best friend, a small part of me horribly victorious over the fact that she was the snivelling mess and not me.

“You know, I may not be perfect,” I told her with a sneer, “But at least I’m not you.”

I know I sounded bitter. I was.

Thinking over it now, I sounded exactly like the person I didn’t want to be.

I hated that.

I hated all of this.

I hated Bella. I hated how much dad loved her. I hated Harvey. I hated Libby. I hated that I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I hated this place and these people...

But most of all I hated that I didn't hate them at all.

The car suddenly became suffocating, like a tin box slowly shrinking in size, trapping me within its walls like some kind of canned food. At least when I was driving I could put everything I was thinking into a compartment in the back of my mind, the same way I forced myself to every time I climbed into the driver’s seat.

However, usually, it was different memories I had to shut away. Much worse ones, if that’s possible to believe.

It wasn’t just the car compressing, it was my chest too. It was moving up and down fast, far too fast. My breaths were becoming uneven and the trickling of tears had steadily become a flood. I didn’t want to think about that night, I didn’t want to think about… but I couldn’t stop myself.

Blinding lights… screeching tires… a scream…

I still don’t know whether it belonged to me.

I was out of the car within a second. Cold air burst into my lungs and I was gripping the side, heaving. Up and down, up and down.

Mom. Think of Mom.

Don’t think of what happened. Just think of her.

Today was her day, not mine. I needed to talk to her.

I went round to the other car door, opening it to pull out the two bottles that had been lying there, abandoned. Maybe a drink would make this easier, I don’t know. All I know was that I needed to get away from the car and find somewhere beautiful. I always felt closer to her in beautiful places.

It was the sounds of waves that got my feet moving. I don’t know why, but my feet started stumbling into the trees, following the direction they were coming from.

Just keep thinking of her.

I could hardly navigate my way through the dense forest. With no torch, the ground was hidden in shadows beneath my feet. The only light available was slivers of silvery moonlight slipping through the trees. I was still choking on my tears, panting in that uncontrollable way when air gets caught between your mouth and lungs, stumbling around like a blind drunk. Bottles clutched in my shaking hands, anyone that saw me would probably think I was slaughtered.

Keep walking. Think about Mom.

I followed the crashing lullaby, barely audible over my own sniffling but soon the trees broke after like curtains and my eyes widened at the sight.

I was met with a deep velvet sky, spilling over the expanse like spilt ink. It was studded with glittering stars that seemed to embellish the darkness, making it mystical instead of eerie. Beneath it, water lapped like waves of silk, the light of the crescent moon rippling over the horizon. A cool breeze brushed past and clung to my skin, somehow ceasing the trembling in my body.

The cliffs dropped into the abyss below, not two metres in front of me. However tempted, I dared not glance off the side – I was scared enough of heights as it was, and I didn’t want to become frightened of this place.

If I wanted beautiful, I had found it.

My back bumped against the rough bark of the nearest tree and I welcomed the uncomfortable feeling as I leant against it, sliding down to the floor. The ground was cold, and my knees pulled up tightly into my chest, arms wrapping around them.

Now that I was here, now that I had found a place where I could talk to her, now I had been through everything today could throw at me… I couldn’t find any words to say.

Like the water lapped below everything washed over me like a wave. All the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the anger, the fear… I got it all at once.

And it hurt too much.

I started sobbing. Helplessly, uncontrollably, endlessly sobbing.

She was gone. She was gone and it was all my fault. The only person who ever loved me. The only person in my life that actually cared. I wanted her so bad right now. I wanted her arms, wrapped around me. I wanted her warmth to engulf me. I wanted her smell, her touch, the sound of her voice in my ear. I’d take anything right now. Anything.

I wanted her to yell at me so badly. I wanted her to scream and shout and blame me for what happened, because all the pain that that would cause would be nothing, _nothing_ , compared to the pain of her not being here. Damn, I wanted her here so bad… I needed my mom.

I needed my mom to tell me that Harvey wasn't worth it, that I would find better friends than Libby, that it didn't matter that I didn't have Bella or Dad or anyone else. I needed her to tell me that it didn't matter that they all let me down because she would never do the same. I needed her to tell me that she was here for me, always.

But she was dead.

She was dead and it was all because of me and only I can seem to understand that. No one got it, no one felt it, no one saw that I had nothing left now. No one saw how much I just wanted… I just wanted…

Why did we have to go out in that stupid car?!

Why did I want to learn to drive so badly? Why did I beg for her to take me out to practice in the rain? Why did I choose to take that specific route where that specific drunk driver would be hurtling down the road at twice the limit? Why didn’t I pull away fast enough? Why- 

“Why did you have to leave me?”

A whisper carried and unanswered by the wind. That was all my pain was.

Everything I felt, it just meant nothing without her here to make it better.

I guess was wrong, pain and grief aren’t like ashes after all this time, they're still flames, and they always will be. They will always burn, even in the shadows. Burn and burn and burn, until I dwindled into nothing.

Silence seemed to fall over the world at the realisation and slowly I clambered to my feet. 

My toes hung dangerously over the cliff now, forget a fear of heights, I felt nothing but pain anymore. I just wanted it to stop. What puts flames out? I looked down into the water crashing against the rocks beneath my feet. How easy it would be to take that step.

I still had a bottle in my hands. Funny, how I’d brought them all this way and never once actually considered drinking it. I guess it was the same with jumping, I wasn’t going to, I never would.

Who would remember her if I died?

The pain hurts, it hurts so bad, but at least it means she’s still here in some form. At least it means she’s still connected to the earth. If I were to go, what would she become? What would I become?

I stared out into the night. Why did it have to be so long? When was the sun finally going to rise again?

It was a voice that broke through the darkness first, calling out from behind me and invisible to my eyes. I spun around at the sound of it, the words cutting through my isolation. A figure emerged from the trees and I was met with a large pair of deep brown eyes, almost as dark as the night around me and it spoke…

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, Chapter Three up and ready to read. I'm not so sure about this one but I wanted to try and follow a realistic thought process, a real-life spiral and this is how I imagined Alex's mind would flow. Anyway, I bet you can guess whose appearing next chapter! We get our first glimpse at Alex and Paul... just not quite the way you'd expect.
> 
> Please don't forget to leave any comments and kudos! As I always say they literally make my day. It's the feedback from readers that keeps me writing, so please feel free to tell me what you think!
> 
> xx


	5. Part One- IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'He had beautiful eyes, the kind you could get lost in. And I guess I did.'

“I wasn’t going to jump,”

I spoke defensively. Suddenly, I was angered by the same idea that I’d just been theoretically contemplating over only thirty seconds ago.

But I took a step away from the edge anyway.

“I was just looking.”

My voice was loud, but it was easily carried away by the cold wind brushing past, and I wrapped my arms around my body instinctively to stop the shiver that was threatening to run through my spine. After glancing back out the horizon, I looked straight at the figure; their face still obscured by twisting shadows. It was male, from the height and the voice, but all I could see of his face were the eyes, somehow catching the moonlight so perfectly that they glinted – like the very stars in the sky.

“You’re standing on the edge of a cliff with a beer in your hand,” He replied, just as snarky as my comeback was, “What was I meant to think?”

The man who stepped into the light wasn’t a man at all, but a boy. He was tall, well over six foot, but scrawny looking – like the limbs were too long for the body. His skin was a bronzed colour – like Jake’s was, with the same long, black hair too – only this guy’s was different: slightly shorter and much, much scruffier. He looked like he’d been dragged through a bush backwards, to be honest.

He seemed to be studying me too, the sombre expression on his hard-set mouth changing as if he wasn’t expecting me to look as I did. Maybe because I was a paleface who had very clearly wondered onto tribal territory.

I glanced down at the thing he’d mentioned in my hand with distaste, shrugging,

“It’s not even opened,” I paused for a second, “You can have it if you want.”

With that, I chucked the bottle at him, not quite sure why I was offering a random teenager alcohol. I guess I just wanted to be rid of the thing. The more I looked at it, the more it made me feel sick.

He caught it easily, hands moving so fast they were a blur in the darkness.

“Er…Thanks,” He muttered after a moment of silence, twisting the glass round in his hand.

I was about to mention the fact that I didn’t have a bottle opener, so it was actually redundant anyway, but he simply snapped off the cap with his bare hand as easily as you would break a twig in half. I stared incredulously after the action, but he seemed unfazed and unreactive to my response.

“Can you take a step away from the edge though?” He asked, not bringing his sight up from the bottle as he read the label, “I don’t wanna have to jump in after you.”

His tone was impassive like he didn’t care either way, and he shrugged his shoulders, but his words were serious.

“Okay,”

I watched as he sunk onto the ground, back to the very same tree I was huddled against earlier, gesturing with his head for me to join him, which was kind of odd. What was even odder was that for some reason, I did, copying his stance against the bark. Silently, he took a swig of the beer before holding it out to me,

“You want some?”

“Nah,” I shook my head, “Don’t like it.”

“Why d’you have it then?” He seemed almost amused.

“Dunno.”

That was the truth. Out of everything tonight, taking those bottles felt like the most stupid thing I’d done. It was the alcohol in that driver’s body that had ruined my entire life, and yet here I was, putting the fear of God into my Dad by nicking two bottles off the table, being underage, and driving off into the darkness. I just hope he knew deep down that I wouldn’t be that stupid.

I didn’t want to think about Dad though, it was him that hurt me, not the other way round. So, why did I feel so guilty suddenly?

“Well, can I ask you something else then?” The boy’s question cut through my train of thought, and I was glad for the reason to come back to the real world again, “Why are you here?”

“Why are _you_ here?” I fired back,

“I live here.”

That was a good answer.

He stared at me, waiting, and something about those eyes made me instantly want to give in. It was like they were trying to dig it out of my soul. Since when did strangers have such bloody beautiful eyes?

“It’s my mom’s birthday,” I finally sighed after what felt like an eternity, but he egged me on – clearly not satisfied. “We… We used to spend it in a beautiful place, a – a different one every year… I still like to do it.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“I almost forgot it was today,” I told him quietly, “I was gonna do something with Dad, but then stuff happened and… voila,”

I gestured to the scene in front of us. Without the vibrancy of the moonlight, I wouldn’t even be able to see the guy and he was right next to me. Thinking about it, this probably wasn’t a good idea. Talking to a random stranger on a cliff face in the middle of the night… isn’t that how horror movies start?

“What about you?”

“As I said, I live here.”

“Not on a cliff face you don’t.”

He hummed, eyes meeting mine quickly before dropping away again. There had to be a reason to be out here by choice in the middle of the night, completely alone. You had to be even the slightest bit crazy to do it, and I would know.

“Yeah well,” He muttered, “You’re not the only one with Dad issues.”

He glanced down quickly, but it was quick enough.

In the darkness, it was hard to see the bruises that marred his tanned skin, but they were there. Open wounds littered his knuckles as well, almost like old scabs that had been knocked off. They looked sore.

Without thinking, I reached out, my fingers softly meeting the back of his hand. He pulled away abruptly as if I had slapped him, looking at me with shock. His eyes dropped away after, almost ashamed of his reaction.

My brow pulled tightly together, eyes puzzling over. I licked over my lip, quickly rolling it between my teeth, eyes trapped looking at the wounds, I could practically feel the pain radiating off them. They weren’t the bruises of a fight, not with a person anyway. But it wasn’t my place to even consider asking. But here in front of me was another person, another hurting human being and for a moment it was feeling like we were the only two in the world. The thought of the boy hurting hurt me. So, I reached out again.

Gently taking his fist in my own hands, this time he let me. I cradled it in my own ghostly pale ones, pulling it closer to inspect. The wounds were nasty, coated in freshly crusted scarlet blood. They were quite new.

I didn’t look up at him as the pad of my thumb gently traced over the biggest visible bruise. He involuntarily flinched at the contact. I didn’t want to see his expression; I wasn’t sure what it would be. I guess the inner nurse in me was kicking in, that’s what it was. I tried to keep my hands and heart steady as I lifted his wounds to the light, attempting to wrench up my very limited knowledge on bumps and scrapes. I wasn’t exactly one for physical confrontation myself, and neither was anyone else I knew, so I wasn’t exactly well practised. But I guessed it couldn’t be too different to a scraped knee or whatever, just a bit worse.

I felt something looking at him then. But I wasn’t quite sure what.

It wasn’t pity, and it wasn’t anger. I wasn’t sorry for him, worried for him? No, that wasn’t it. I didn’t even know the guy. But whatever it was, it made me finally lift my head again.

He was watching again, his expression completely unreadable.

“I’ve got a first aid kit in the car,” I said softly, my voice barely a whisper above the night. “Stay here,”

He opened his mouth like he was about to reject the offer, but then quickly closed it again. There was a silent plea behind the command, begging him to not disappear back into the night the minute I turned my back. I didn’t want to be alone again.

Quickly getting to my feet I walked back into the forest, the way I had come before, and the entire time I was completely aware of his stare glued to my back.

Did he think I was some kind of crazed nutter? Probably.

After all, I was standing on a cliff face in the middle of the night, which isn’t exactly a normal person’s activity of choice, unless they were into astrology. Was this weird? Definitely. But then again, he was out here too. The guy did live in La Push though, so his appearance seemed more understandable than my own.

The sensible thing right now would probably be to get back in my car and drive home, but I already knew I was going to. I didn’t like the idea of leaving him there, waiting for me to come back whilst I ran off in the opposite direction. I mean, I didn’t know the guy, heck, I didn’t even have his name, but the idea still felt wrong.

It wasn’t a safe situation, what I was doing. For all I knew, this guy could be literally anybody, a serial killer perhaps? Or he could just be a boy, who like me has just had a really rubbish day.

I would patch up his hands and then make my exit.

I’d already given him alcohol, whilst I was on the road of irresponsibility I may as well keep on it.

It was only now when I was walking on my own, navigating the short way back through the trees, that I remembered how cold it was. The hairs on my arms prickled under my shirt, goosebumps rising over the skin and a small shiver riding up my spine. It was funny, the wind was greater out of the trees, and yet I was colder in the forest. Maybe I was unconsciously more freaked out wandering through the trees in pitch black – well not quite because my eyes had adjusted by then – and that’s why my body was reacting in that way.

Something else was weird too. Only minutes ago, I was completely falling apart inside myself, and now I felt - it wasn’t fine - but maybe it was better.

It was like I’d had my moment of weakness; I had taken that step off the edge, only to be hauled back up by a random stranger, and they hadn’t even asked my name. He must be a good distraction.

The car came back into view and I headed straight for the backseat, where the small packaged first-aid kit I always kept with me was stored. I used the excuse that any practice was good practice, but the truth was simpler. I was paranoid.

I wasn’t sure what good a couple of wipes and a plaster would do in a car crash, but it was one of those stupid little things where it’s the thought that seems to count. I knew how to use everything inside but had only ever needed less than half. There was even a stitching kit, one of the things I’d luckily never had the chance to try.

I half expected the space to be empty again when I emerged from the trees - for the entire encounter to be some figment of my imagination, some half-crazed illusion brought on by hysteria caused by my grief. But he was still there, his back curled in on itself, shoulders slumped forward. I stop to watch for a moment as the boy lifted his head and took one large gulp of beer, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he did.

The clothes he was wearing looked old and worn, scruffy and tired. He was also out here in only a t-shirt and shorts, which was bloody crazy. I was freezing my butt off over here and I was wrapped up in a coat. Deciding standing here and just watching was probably the kind of thing a creep would do, I made my presence known once more, stepping back into view loudly, the kit swinging by my side.

Softly smiling down at him I approached slowly, holding up the bag like a peace offering. He seemed jumpy, despite the causal persona he was putting on at first.

He didn’t say a word as I sat back on the floor, the cold ground seeping through my jeans as I crossed my legs underneath me. This time, I sat adjacent to him, the front of my body facing his side but I made sure to keep a decent distance away. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.

Unzipping the bag, I opened it up and went straight for the antiseptic wipes, quickly tearing the packet open. I glanced up to him, a silent question, asking what was okay. He didn’t resist when I removed the bottle clutched tightly in his hands, his fingers easing around the neck when mine covered them. Placing the bottle to the side I once again took his left hand in my own, curling it into a loose fist and picking up the wipe.

“This might sting,” I warned quietly.

He hissed when the first contact was made, but he didn’t pull away, simply watching closely as I started to clean the injuries delicately. I didn’t look up, I found I couldn’t. My heart was already in my throat.

“What’s your name?”

His question came out of nowhere, cutting through the carefully built silence as if it was a warm knife slicing through butter. His voice was rough, slightly hoarser than it had been before, maybe because of the beer he’d been drinking.

“Alex,” I responded equally quietly, not removing my eyes from his hand. “What’s yours?”

I finished the first one, but I didn’t need to take the next, he was already handing it out in front of me.

My eyes finally rose to meet his, surprised by the sort of smile on his face now. With the corners of his mouth tilted up his entire expression seemed to soften, the hardened shadows that masked his features earlier were less harsh in the bathing moonlight and he really did look young. Young and hurt. A pang in my chest reminded me why it felt so familiar.

Was it bad that I found him kind of cute? Probably. But I never came down to La Push except to see the Blacks or have the occasional dinner with the Clearwaters so what did it matter? It wasn’t like I was ever going to see him again.

I should have known as soon as I looked into the obsidian eyes that wouldn’t be the case.

“I’m Paul,” He smirked at me, his warm hand still clutched between mine, “Paul Lahote.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go, next part up and running! What do you think of pre-shift Paul? I kind of wanted to emphasise the change that shifting causes, especially in a physical sense and I also wanted some connection between the Alex and him before the werewolf stuff. What's better than a random meet up on the edge of a cliff?
> 
> Also, just saw that we're already over 400 reads! That's crazy! A massive thank you to everyone whose reading the story and sticking with it, it's so great for me to hear when I'm getting it right xx


	6. Part One- V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'He was her warmth. She was his peace.'

You know how there are some people in life that you meet and you can just talk to them? Like, within the first five minutes they already know about the time you lost your front tooth faceplanting into a slide age five?

Well, with us, it wasn’t quite like that. But I guess, there was something about being the only two people abandoned out here in the middle of the night, isolated from the rest of the world, that made it feel – it wasn’t normal – nothing about this situation was vaguely normal for a Sunday night, but it was almost comfortable I guess.

I’d finished patching up Paul’s hands, though it felt a bit weird to put a name to the face now, and reluctantly let go of his warm hands.

Seriously though, I was a bit worried the guy was coming down with something, his body temperature seemed hundreds of degrees high. Even sitting next to him I could practically feel the warmth radiating off his skin, that, and the fact he hadn’t shivered once tonight even though he was just in a shirt was a bit concerning, but he didn’t seem to notice that it was weird at all.

Somehow, I’d ended up with the second bottle beer of my hand, twisting it around and mindlessly scanning over the label for the fiftieth time. Was I really considering drinking it?

I just didn’t want to think about today. It was actually funny, how everything so messed up managed to happen within the space of a few hours. Sitting here, it was easier to ignore the thoughts constantly ringing around my head, forcing me on what would be an endless downwards spiral of self-pity and fury… but they were still there. The thoughts never left.

And all the while I was constantly aware of the mobile in my back pocket, the digging in of it in my flesh a reminding irritant. It sparked the feeling deep in my gut that I should call Dad, at least to let him know I’m safe at least. I hated that I felt like I should, I didn’t want to, and I wasn’t going to. Did that make me a bad person? Probably. But being a good one never got me much in return, so I was a bit put out with the whole idea at the moment.

I needed time and space. Looking around, I really couldn’t get much more space than out here.

“I thought you didn’t like it?”

“I don’t,” I reply, following Paul’s eye-line back down to the bottle in my hand, my thumb now tracing the corrugated edge of the cap, “But it’s meant to help,”

“There are _better_ coping-methods,” He replies,

“Yeah? Like pummelling a wall?”

I winced the minute the words snapped out of my mouth. Not a good place to go Alex, he was only trying to help. I was about to mutter out an apology, but he just chuckled, seemingly amused at my scowl.

“It was actually a tree,” His eyes were still soft as he reached down and slowly took the bottle off me, “But you’re right… I’m not really in the place to lecture about anger issues.”

I paused.

“You get angry?”

“All the time.” Came his quick reply, turning out to face the scenery again, “Especially at the moment.”

I just sat silent as the confession fell from his lips, and it’s like once he started, he couldn’t stop, the grip on the bottle he took from me a minute ago getting tighter and tighter, until his tanned knuckles grow white.

“I dunno what happens, I just get so mad and it’s like – it’s like I see red… and I start shaking – like _visibly_ shaking – and my Dad… man, I thought I was gonna kill him…”

He gritted teeth, heading falling over bent knees, shoulders trembling slightly.

“I try to stop it, I really do, I just _can’t_.”

I wanted to touch him, put my hand on his back or something, but I didn’t. I just watched as he heaved a deep sigh, those shoulders slumping over before he looked back up again.

“Another reason to not drink,” He chuckled again, but there was no humour in it this time, “Makes you spill all kind of stuff.”

“I don’t mind,” I said quietly.

And truthfully, I didn’t.

Realistically his almost freak out should have at least worried me a little bit. A big, strange guy getting angry on a cliff-face wasn’t generally a good sign. But it didn’t seem to matter to me. I liked his company; I was enjoying being here – however messed up that was.

His eyes were once again full of the emotion his face refused to hold; relief mixed with surprise at my response. I took the bottle back again and reached across him to grab the other one, placing on the ground far enough away from the two of us.

“The guy who killed my mum was drunk.” I said suddenly, the words literally falling out of my mouth before I could stop them, “That’s why I don’t like it… not because of the taste. I just – I don’t,” I large sigh left me, “I don’t like what it can make people do, I guess…”

That was when another tear fell. I sniffed as I wiped it away, still facing the other direction to Paul. Shoot, I didn’t want to cry, that was just embarrassing.

I hated crying in front of people. I hated it, I hated it. Something about it made me feel so… pathetic. Like it was just proof of the cracks in my charcoal shell. Like it was evidence that I couldn’t cope when I could. I could. I had to. She wanted me to, so I had to. I still had to smile, I still had to be happy, because that was what she wanted.

A warm hand touched my shoulder.

I turned my head over at the contact. I couldn’t see him through the curtain of hair hanging down over my face, but I felt him there, closer to me than he was before.

“I hate it too,”

He whispered the words so quietly they were barely audible above the silent night.

I knew he was talking about alcohol, mostly, but something in his tone made me feel like it was more than that. It was almost like... like he hated all of the rest of it too… all the hurting, all the pain… it was like he felt it all with me.

I moved to face him fully again, but Paul’s hand remained firmly placed on my shoulder as if he was worried that the second he removed it I would fall apart. I almost felt like I would.

“This is so stupid…” I snivelled pathetically, “I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be.” He cut me off, “Don’t be sorry for feeling things.”

From the way he said them, it appeared like he’d had those exact words told to him before - and didn’t believe them. Yet, he was repeating them to me anyway.

“Do you wanna try something?”

***

That was how the two of us found ourselves standing right on the cliff edge. Feeling the full effect of the wind now, my hair was blowing all around me, slapping my face wildly as I glanced up at Paul where the height difference was even more apparent now we were both stood shoulder to shoulder. As far as coping methods go, this felt a little on the ridiculous side, but by this point, I was kind of willing to try anything.

“Is this safe?” I called out loudly, almost shouting now to be heard, “To be this close to the edge?”

“Probably not,” He grinned down at me,

A sense of sudden exhilaration seeping into my bones, I grinned back like a mad fool.

I couldn’t ignore the fact that my hand was still entwined in his, from where he pulled me up to my feet – and hadn’t let go since. At least if I went down, I could take him with me I suppose.

There was something about being this close to the edge that was so… freeing. It was different than it was before, when I had stood a step or two further back with tears smudging down my cheeks, body trembling from sobs rather than the cold and that heaviness in my whole body that felt like lead casing around my heart. It was scarier, my apparent fear of heights now returning alongside my more rational thinking. But the fear came with something different; something new.

“Okay,” I said, glancing down at the crashing blackness below and taking a deep breath, “One… two… three…”

We both reached out our spare arm and two glass-bottled fell into the abyss below.

Gracefully slipping through the air, the shapes were absorbed by shadows and disappeared the second they touched the darkness. We couldn’t see them hit the waves or rocks; we didn’t hear them shatter into a million – probably highly dangerous – glass shards. But they were gone. Utterly and completely gone for forever. And it felt good. Bloody good.

“Feel better?!” He called over the now howling wind,

“I feel like we may have just committed mass fish-murder!” I yelled back, but there was this pulling at the corners of my mouth that I hadn’t felt in a while.

My eyes closed, basking in the lightness in my body. It would only last for a minute before the real world and all its real-world problems came crashing back down. But for now, in this minute, in this second, I was at peace with myself.

I imagined all my problems crammed into that bottle. I pictured that I had sat down and stuffed each and everyone inside. I threw them into the ocean, over the cliff, and watched them fall into nothing. I watched them _become_ nothing, swallowed up by a tidal wave of nature, dragged away and never seen again.

And with my problems gone, she was free to come back to me.

I imagined her arms. I felt them wrap around my waist and felt her chest press against my back. I inhaled her scent. I heard her steady heartbeat, the rhythm forming a soothing lullaby that washed over the lines on my forehead and soothed out every tense nerve. I fell back into her embrace and welcomed her.

It hurt. It hurt so much. But it wasn’t the flames. It was the kind of pain that made me smile and tears want to roll down my cheeks at the same time.

She was here with me.

My eyes fluttered open and drifted to the gangly boy beside me, whose own stare was fixed out into the invisible horizon like his own mind was somewhere else too. I never liked to be alone when I came to find her, and clearly, I wasn’t.

Mum, meet Paul Lahote.

See? I’m not alone.

***

When my car pulled up again it was outside a house I didn’t recognise. It was quite far from any of the other houses I had visited on the Res, but I couldn’t pull out any distinct features because like everything, it was shrouded in a blanket of night.

Turning the key in the ignition, the vehicle juddered to a halt, growing still, and I spared a glance at the boy in my passenger seat.

He didn’t move from his place, looking out at his home.

He didn’t want to go inside.

That much was obvious, so I didn’t say anything. Kicking him out of my car wasn’t really the way to treat someone after what we’d been doing, but I’m not sure what the proper etiquette for this kind of situation was.

Instead of talking, I sat and waited.

Finally, he seemed to intake a breath, his shoulders broadening to twice their original size as his stance grew. It was like he was bracing himself for something. Maybe another fight with his Dad? Whatever it was, that little boy from the forest disappeared and someone else replaced him. Someone with hard eyes and a cold stare. Someone who quickly unbuckled his belt and climbed out of the car, only pausing before the door was slammed shut again.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

It sort of felt like I should be the one asking that question, not him.

“I’ll drive home now,” I nodded in response, “It’s only Forks.”

“Okay.”

“Will you? Be okay, I mean,”

“Oh, yeah,” He said, “I guess it’s goodbye then.”

“Goodbye, Paul Lahote.”

“Goodbye Alex…” he trailed off,

“Clarke,”

That seemed to satisfy him, and he sent me one more of those half-formed smirking smiles alongside a small nod.

“Goodbye, Alex Clarke.”

Like everything this evening he dissolved into the darkness quickly, and it was as if he was never even there in the first place. If it wasn’t for the lack of beer bottles on the seat beside me I would have almost thought I’d made it all up, that this whole _thing –_ whatever it was – was just a figment of my imagination.

But it was still dark, and it was still late. And I still needed somewhere to spend the night. And I was not driving home. Not only was my whole body aching with tiredness to the point of falling asleep at the wheel, but I wasn’t quite at the point yet where I would be ready to confront my father. I definitely needed to rest before that.

I could have gone to Jake’s house, but Billy would be there, and no doubt Dad would have already called him and told him everything. Long story short I would be told to go home the minute I turned up at the door, or very least have a very long, very deep, phone conversation with Dad.

So that wasn’t an option.

Neither was driving back to Forks to stay the night at Lucy’s or Ashley’s, even though both of them would have me. My other option would have been Libby or Harvey’s… and that wasn’t happening over my dead body… unless…

I finally dug out the phone that had been sticking into my butt for the whole night and quickly scrolled down my contacts, stopping at one name near the top.

It rang for three times before someone picked up, their voice groggy with sleep. Oh dear, I should have realised that I’d wake him up by ringing, everyone else in the country was currently sleeping.

Embry Call was very confused as to why one of Jake’s friends from Forks, who’d he’d only met a dozen or so times in the past to years and had only had a handful of proper conversations with – no matter how well they had got along when they did – was calling him up either very late or very early, depending on how you look at it. But even through sleep ridden ears he still listened as I sort of explained my predicament. His mum also worked night shifts at the Res hospital, and if there was anyone ever willing to let me kip on their floor for a few hours whilst she was out, it would be him.

My mind was buzzing the whole night about my unusual encounter on the cliff, and I just could not for the life of me seem to get those obsidian eyes out of my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got it up early! Hope you enjoyed - personally I felt this was a bit of a weaker chapter, but that sums up the end of Part One. We skip forward the next chapter to the start of New Moon, where things really get going, so I hope you want to stay with me and read on! 
> 
> I know I keep saying this but the story's at over 500 reads already and that's just amazing! Thank you again for all of your feedback, it's so great to hear... keep it coming and don't forget to kudos if you like it!


	7. Part Two- I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Little does she know - he thinks about her too.'

It wasn’t until half a year after that eventful evening that my life got vaguely interesting again.

Exactly six months later, on the 13th of September, I woke up earlier than normal. I often woke up in odd positions, an arm or a leg possibly twisted in some intricate, yet wholly uncomfortable, fashion, but, as my eyes fluttered open lazily, I was pleasantly surprised not to be met with a cramp in at least one limb.

As the pale morning sun slipped in through the curtains, my eyelids closed and opened again, blurred flecks of dust slowly coming into focus as they drifted in the streaks of light air. The rays trickled in slowly through the curtains, hitting the sheets my body was smothered in.

All in all, I was far too comfy to get up.

Only, it was Bella’s birthday, so I kind of had to.

Dragging myself up into a sitting position, my eyes caught sight of the photos on my desk, the one of mum and I now joined by another.

The three of us sat at the diner, Bella doing that half awkward attempt of a smile that appeared on her face whenever someone pulled a camera out, and Dad trying not to grimace under his moustache. I was next to them both and my smile was genuine too. It was taken a couple of weeks after Bella’s cast came off.

At that moment came a knock on the other side of the door from Dad, so I flipped the covers off my body and changed into vaguely presentable clothes with lethargic limbs – not forgetting to grab Bella’s wrapped gift from my desk before meeting him out in the corridor.

Dad rapped his knuckles three times against her door, turning back to give me a knowing smile at the lack of my sister’s reply, before slowly opening it and stepping inside.

“Happy Birthday,” He said, stopping in the doorway, the two gifts clutched in his hands.

“Happy Birthday!” I followed with a bit more enthusiasm,

Bella sat up in her bed, the duvet pooling over her waist, giving both Dad and I a shared look before fixing on the items in our hands. Bella’s eyes were tired with morning drowsiness and her hair curled over her shoulders in a tangle. She still looked more put together than me though, and I was already dressed – but that always seemed to be the case.

“I thought we agreed no presents,” She said, a small smile breaking out on her lips despite her words.

“Well, the one from me’s not wrapped,” Dad replied, holding out the small pink camera, embellished with a rather pathetic matching pink bow on top, “So it doesn’t count.”

Bella took the camera and studied it for a second, clearly surprised that she was pleased with the gift.

“That’s actually great, thanks Dad.”

“Err, it goes with this one from your mom,” He added, passing her the next gift which was flatter and wrapped in white and purple paper, a much larger and more impressive purple bow stuck on top. “We coordinated,” he sighed, “Well, she coordinated me.”

Bella started tearing at the paper to reveal a large, patterned book of some sort. It took me a moment, but I quickly realised the planning. It was a photo scrapbook.

“It’s to uh, put your pictures in from senior year,” He told her, before sighing, “Senior year. How’d you get so old so fast?”

“I didn’t,” Bella replied with a huff, “It’s not that old.”

“I don’t know,” He hummed, reaching forward to touch her fringe, “Is that a grey hair?”

“No. No way,”

“I dunno,” I smirked as Bella rushed out of bed towards a mirror, “Looks like it to me.”

Carefully studying her hair in her reflection, she scoffed, turning back to Dad and me, clearly not amused by our joke. Dad held his hands up in mock defence as I patted the space on the bed beside me, still grinning.

“That’s really funny,”

“Come on,” I told her, “Open mine.”

She sat back down, making the mattress sink a little as I held out my gift to her. It was very badly wrapped, more Sellotape than actual paper, but I was doing it in the dark at about midnight last night because I had to leave it to dry until the very last minute.

Mom and I would always exchange cards on our birthdays, but we didn’t do that here. I guess there’s no need when you’re a man of as few words as Dad, you can kind of say everything you would write. Still, I had nearly all those cards from Mom even now, buried in the cardboard box in the back of my wardrobe with other nick-nacks that I couldn’t bear to give to thrift shops when I moved down here. It was nice to get them out sometimes and read through her awfully messy handwriting. Just as a reminder.

Dad obviously sent cards, normally alongside cash, when I didn't live with him. But now I was here, there wasn't very much point - saving the environment I guess.

If Bella noticed my shoddy wrapping skills, she didn’t comment on it, tearing the paper almost as hurriedly as I’d folded it. I watched as she stopped short, pulling out a brown leather-bound book, with no marks on the front or back cover.

It looked like a diary, but as she pulled the bow binding it shut it was clear that the paper inside was thicker, more like that of a watercolour sketchbook.

Bella was obviously confused for a second because as everyone knew, she had about the same level of artistic skill as a toddler with a crayon – and not just that, but she hated drawing to.

The whole issue was soon solved though when she flipped past the first page (that I had left blank for protection) and saw what decorated the rest of the inside.

Eyes visibly widened, she studied each page carefully before turning it over, finding each of her favourite literary quotes decorating its own page. I personalised each font, with various drawings and colours to match the theme from each text, like the thorned roses for Romeo and Juliet and the moors and mist for Wuthering Heights. I hadn’t actually read any of the stories included, but I’d snuck in and taken photos of her bookshelf when she was out. I didn’t trust myself to put them all back in the right places.

“Alex, uh, wow.” Bella said, a smile breaking out on her face as she stared at one page in particular, “This is amazing.”

“I did eighteen pages cos you’re eighteen years old,”

That wasn’t entirely true. I did eighteen pages because the book had too many for me to fill them all.

“I love it,” She smiled up at me, her brown eyes sincere, “Thanks,”

My grin grew widely on my face as I glanced up to Dad, he had his arms across his chest and even he looked impressed. I was glad, I put a lot of effort into that little book, even though it was kind of meaningless.

Before now I’d never had a sister to buy a birthday present for, so this was all new to me. At first, I couldn’t think of what to get for the life of me. Bella didn’t really like nice clothes or jewellery and I wouldn’t know where in hell to start looking for a new book or something, so I thought handmade might have been the best option. I was glad I was right.

“You should get ready,” Dad told the two of us, “Even birthday girls have to go to school.”

Bella nodded and I sprung up from my spot on the bed, not exactly in excitement though. I don’t think high school was any sixteen-year-olds favourite place to be, but I was still somewhat lacking in the friend department at the moment as well.

“Happy Birthday,”

Dad called back to her as we retreated from her room, leaving the now-adult aged Bella to get herself together, and hopefully not fall back asleep in her bed – which was what I was very tempted to do right now.

***

_“Another missing hiker brings the total to three presumed dead. Rangers are searching for the killer animal-”_

The radio fuzzed as Bella changed the channel. Honestly, I didn’t blame her, some savage beast roaming the forests is the last thing I wanted to hear about right now. The old red truck struggled to pick up a new channel though, fuzzy music starting to break out through the speakers.

When she first got the thing, I vowed never to step foot inside the death trap waiting to happen. It took a lot for me to trust vehicles as it is, let alone ones that were literally just juddering along the tarmac. But I kind of lost my lift to school six months ago.

I didn’t mind driving to school with Bella, she was quite responsible behind the wheel. The only downside was her undisputable love for the pile of scrap she drove, and the fact that it’s Soundsystem was total rubbish, meaning we only got music like what was playing now, and even that was only in certain areas.

We soon pulled up into the high school parking lot though, and Bella’s friends waved from their spot as she pulled in next to the car they were leaning against.

I didn’t know any of them except for Jessica, who I found about as irritating as they come when we were at theatre club. Although, I must say that without organisational skills most of the actors would never get their butts out of their seats.

Turning the ignition off the truck groans to a halt and I swing my door open, stepping out into the ever cold, ever slightly drizzling Forks air. Bella follows too, swinging her bag over her shoulder as she goes towards her mates. The ground was still wet from the lasts nights rain and I knew Bella was concentrating on not slipping and falling flat on her face as she approached them.

“Today’s the big day Bella,” Jessica called out to her, surprised by the blank look on my sister’s face, “Uh, R + J essay due?”

So that’s what Bella was up doing late last night, I could have sworn I heard her fumbling about in her room way past midnight. It would also explain the half-open copy of the Shakspearian tragedy that was next to her pillow this morning when we woke her up. That, or she was just reading it for fun, which, however mental, I wouldn’t put past her.

“Oh, yeah,” Bella responded,

I scanned the lot, trying to spot either a mop of curly blonde hair and some ginger locks, or even someone who I would vaguely not mind talking to. But currently, the place was empty of my very limited number of friends. I’d lost most of them when I’d dropped Libby altogether.

Harvey and she were, infuriatingly, still together. I often wondered about asking Libby if it was the kind of ‘love’ worth throwing away two years of great friendship for, though I wouldn’t ever actually do it.

Okay, so maybe I was still a bit bitter about the whole thing.

The worst of it was though, that I’d lost Jason too, kind of. Because – no matter how badly he thinks they screwed up – it was still his best mate and his sister. Put side by side with me there was no competition, even if they were the ones in the wrong. He couldn’t not forgive them, and although I understood, it hurt a bit. We were still next to each other in Chemistry, and we still talked, and he still copied some of my work and I still corrected some of his … we just didn’t talk outside of that much. Not like we used to.

“Let me take a picture of you guys. My mom wants me to put together, like, a big scrapbook full of memories.”

Leaning against the truck I watched Bella pull out her new little camera as her friends gathered into a huddle. They all called out and spoke over each other as she snapped the pic, and honestly, I found Angela and her boyfriend quite cute, if I had to admit it.

“Hey Alex,”

My head snapped back to Bella as she called my name,

“We should, uh, we should get one too.”

“Oh, okay,” I replied, kicking off the car to join her.

We replaced where her friends were standing, and I was surprised when Bella wrapped her arm around me as her friends did with each other. She was still a little taller than me, so she still looked like the older sister, but whilst I used to not like that, we shared a lot of our Dad’s features, I didn’t mind it so much anymore. Bella’s arm was an unusual but not unwelcome feature against my back, as my half-sister was not often one for open familial affection – basically, we didn’t really hug.

The last time was when she first came out of the hospital, about a week after she had left Forks – supposedly for good. Dad had got us all the way to Phoenix as quickly as he could after I had refused to let him leave without me. Seeing her lying in bed attached to all sorts of wires kind of put my crazed night beforehand into perspective.

I think it made her think about things more carefully too.

Bella didn’t leave at all, she made up with Edward and chose to stay here, pretty permanently.

I met Bella’s mother too, who, despite the dislikeable character I’d formed in my head was nice and didn’t seem to look down on me the way I assumed she would.

Over summer, Bella and I spent a lot of time together. We didn’t go shopping or anything like that, after all, as I mentioned, Bella was practically allergic to clothes. But we saw a couple of movies and went on a few hikes (only on designated trails, of course, I did not fancy being the next discovered corpse) and Bella also helped me with the Macbeth coursework that would have otherwise taken me weeks of cursing and throwing books against the wall to complete.

Things between us were good.

I heard the camera click in Angela’s hands as I spotted another familiar silver car arrive.

“Oh good,” Mike Newton caught my line of sight, “Cullen’s here.”

He didn’t seem pleased at all. Bella had sometimes hinted that Mike had a bit of a thing for her, that was clearly and completely unrequited on Bella’s behalf, so it was no wonder he wasn’t a fan of the pale-skinned, chestnut-haired guy walking towards us.

“Well, talk to you later,” Jessica said as the group pulled away,

“I’ll meet you out here after school?” Bella asked me, but her eyes were glued solely on her boyfriend’s approach,

“Yeah, sure,” I almost laughed at her love-struck eyes, pausing a moment to watch them meet each other.

Practically any time that wasn’t spent with me over the summer was spent with Edward. He even sometimes tagged along on our trips. I still found him kind of weird and he didn’t really speak, so I had no idea how he and Bella managed to form long conversations – seeing as she was kind of the same – but he did fly to Phoenix to try and win her back and then sat by her hospital bed the entire time she was injured, so he’d sort of won me over.

Their relationship was unusual to say the least, especially for teenagers. It was more like she was dating a seventy-year-old man sometimes; he was very old school. Also, they always stood very close, like they were trying to exhale the same air. I usually turned away when it got to that point.

Patting my back pocket for my headphones I groaned to find it empty. It was often a tactic of mine, if you put them in then people are less likely to try and talk to you and I could wait in peace for someone to arrive. Lucy and I had started waiting for each other before heading to our lockers, it had kind of become a mini tradition. That was one benefit of everything that happened, she was a pretty cool girl and I liked hanging out with her more.

I tried very hard to ignore my sister and her boyfriend as they made out a few metres away from me right in front of everyone. I look everywhere _but_ towards them.

Of course, my eyes managed to wander to the next worst place, as the very car I avoided throughout summer – and quite successfully since we went back to school – rolled in at that moment. Harvey climbed out from the driving seat first, followed by Jason who, like always, was sitting shotgun, and then Libby from the back.

It was bad, but I was kind of happy to spot the noticeable gap where I would have clambered out afterwards.

My eyes somehow managed to find Libby’s, but it was almost as if she was inadvertently scanning the surroundings for me anyway. Unlike normal she didn’t look away, eyes flooded with guilt, but instead, she held my gaze like she was trying to say something without words. Whatever it was, I didn’t want to hear it. I was so over everything that had happened between us.

“Hey! Alex!”

An unexpected voice cut through my staring contest and I broke away from Libby to come to face to face with someone one of the last people I expected to be rocking up to Forks high school.

I smiled and waved at Embry anyway, but made the surprise clear on my face as he jogged up.

“Finally realised the palefaces is where it’s at?” I asked jokingly as I pulled him into a hug,

“Nah, I’m just here as a wingman,” he shook his head, gesturing over to where Jake was talking to Bella and Edward was standing on guard as he watched, “He wanted to catch Bella before we had to be in school.”

“And here I was thinking you came all of this way to see me,” My hand went over my heart in mock hurt.

“I might have had an ulterior motive,”

“And that would be…”

Embry just grinned as one hand reached behind his back before dramatically pulling out two tickets in his hands. My jaw dropped as I gaped at him. “You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“Oh my God,” I cried, snatching the cinema tickets out of his hand and studying them up close, just to make sure I hadn’t jumped ahead of myself, “Where the hell did you get these?”

“A mate of mine had them, but he couldn’t make it, said I could have ‘em.”

“I – uh, ah!” I jumped up wrapping my arms around his neck. Embry stumbled back at the force but let out a laugh as I gripped tightly onto his hoodie, “Thank you!”

“They’re for Friday evening, I thought we could go get some food beforehand and stuff… if you wanted?”

“Yeah, yeah sure.” I pulled away; eyes still glued to the strips of paper. “This is amazing.”

I couldn’t believe it. The tickets were for the latest thriller coming out, it had amazing ratings and the trailer looked great. The closest cinema sold out in minutes; I think every high school kid in the country wanted to see it – at least those with a tick enough stomach. When we were hanging out, it came up and it turns out he wanted to go just as much as I did. We promised the first person to get tickets would get two and we’d go together. I had no idea it would be this soon though.

“I thought it’d make up for having to cancel,” he said, “Sorry about that.”

“I can’t believe your mother had you on lockdown for two whole weeks, how was it?”

“Well, I didn’t have any girls knocking on my door at three in the morning, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Very funny,” I replied, opening my mouth to speak again when I was cut off by another voice,

“Hey Alex!”

Lucy stood by the school entrance, waving at me as her blonde shoulder-length curls bobbed with the movement. I smiled up at her, signing two minutes with my fingers.

“I should probably go,” I told Embry, clutching the lone bag strap on my shoulder, unable to shake the giddy grin on my face. “See you Friday,”

Jake appeared behind Embry, that always so smug and knowing grin on his face. I couldn’t help the exasperated one I sent him in return as I waved my hand slightly. It seems the only to people who know there is nothing more than friendship here is Embry and I, and no matter how many times either of us tells him, it doesn’t seem to quite get through his thick skull. But I can forgive him for that, seeing as he seems infatuated with my sister even though she’s nearly two years older and has a boyfriend. Jacob, well, he doesn’t have the brains to match his brawn sometimes.

“Jacob,”

“Alex,” He grinned back at me, quirking one eyebrow.

Shaking my head, I turned on my heel and left the two boys where they stood. I was closer with Embry now than I ever was with Jacob, not that Jake and I weren’t mates, but ever since that night when I’d turned up a complete and utter mess – half expecting Embry to take one look at me and slam the door back closed – we spent more and more time together and it felt really good, to have a friend like him, I mean.

He just listened… and cared. That night I was kind of short of people like that, still was, to be honest, but there was never any judgement with Embry, and he was like that with anything. It was one of the things that were so great about him.

Even if he wasn’t the only one who’d helped me that night, he was the only one I’d heard from since. There’d not been a whisper from the tall, scraggly boy from the cliff and the entire thing felt like a weird dream you have when you’re half asleep at three in the morning.

It didn’t stop me thinking about him sometimes though. I wondered if he was okay, whether he’d had any more fistfights with trees or whether he was still arguing with his father. I’d thought about asking Embry about him, after all, they both lived on the Res and went to school together. There was the possibility that he would know him, but I never did ask. I hadn’t told anyone about our encounter that night for some reason. It almost felt private, personal, and that somehow telling another person would ruin that. And I was selfish.

Anyway, it wasn’t like I ever wanted to see him again even if I had the chance. It would just be too weird. Though I did wonder sometimes, whether he thought about me too, or whether I was just the nutter on the cliff-face for him. I guess I’d never know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's been so long! Everything has been a bit crazy recently, but I promise to try not to leave it this long again! Also, a bit of a dull chapter here, but I thought it was a good way to set the scene for what's to come. Hope you enjoyed reading!
> 
> xx


	8. Part Two- II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's my problem: I think too much and feel too deeply. What a dangerous combination.'

Bella arrived home late that night, she told me after that she’d managed to slip and cut her arm on a broken vase which Carlisle had to stitch up, and honestly, by this point, I wasn’t surprised. Still, I glanced out my window as her red truck pulled up in the drive, her and Edward having what looked like a very serious conversation before she came inside.

I had to admit, I wasn’t a fan of the green dress Alice had made Bella wear, which was surprising as her fashion sense was nearly always on point. But, as always, Bella looked really pretty in it.

My sister stopped to watch as Edward turned and walked back into the shadows. He had driven her home, so he’d have to make it back home on foot. But it was an awful long way to walk to the Cullen’s house/mansion, especially in the dark and cold. Edward was strange, in more ways than one.

I didn’t think much of the conversation outside of my window, until the next day the Cullen’s didn’t show up in all their finery to school. And the next, and the next. It wasn’t unusual for them, to skip like that, but when I asked Bella where they’d gone (she’d mentioned something before about camping) she seemed slightly irritated by the fact that she didn’t know why they’d disappeared, so I left it alone. Then, it was Friday and I forgot about it again completely the minute Embry picked me up from school.

“I… I honestly can’t believe it,” I told him as we drove down the dark road leading to my house, “It looked so good in the adverts!”

Embry chuckled at the repeated outbursts of my annoyance, his fingers tapping against the wheel, “Well it did only have, like a three-star rating on the official site,”

“Well, maybe you should have told me that before I made you go and buy the bloody tickets!”

“You didn’t make me do anything,” Embry sent me a look, fiddling with the air condition of his battered down truck. It was in worse condition than Bella’s, but he’d fixed it up himself so I wasn’t about to say anything. “And besides, we had a good time, didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” I sighed, giving him that.

We’d gone for burgers beforehand and practically stuffed our faces. They weren’t as good as they are at the Carver, but it certainly filled a whole. We then almost got kicked out after a particularly savage chip throwing war, followed by a milkshake I was now thoroughly regretting as we made our way down the twisting roads. “Thanks, Em,”

“Just let me pick the movie next time huh?”

I was about to respond when blue flashing lights caught my eye, right in front of my house.

“What the-”

Panic is my immediate response at the thought that something had happened to Dad, but it wasn’t an ambulance, it was a police car – another one.

Embry quickly pulled over and I was out the door and slamming it shut before he had time to turn off the engine.

There were loads of people gathered around the place, most hunched over the bonnet of the cruiser. The front porch light was on and most of these people I didn’t recognise.

“Dad?” I called out loudly, gaining their attention as I ran towards them.

Dad looked up and immediately made his way over to me, “Dad, what’s going on?”

“Alex, why aren’t you answering your phone?” He asked, his voice panicked and more abrupt than I could remember hearing it before.

“I – I, uh, I turned it off for the film,” I told him, eyes frantically scanning the place, “What’s going on? Dad where’s Bella?”

I felt Embry come up behind me as Billy was pushed towards us by Jake, all of their faces pictures of worry and concern. I didn’t like this; I didn’t like it at all.

“Your sister’s missing Alex,” Billy told me calmly, “She hasn’t been seen since she left the school.”

“But… but that was ages ago,”

Dad pulled me straight into a hug, but his arms weren’t comforting, they were tense. I buried my face in his jacket and tried to take deep breaths to sort out my already rampaging head. She was last seen at school… I saw her at school.

“We got people looking,” Dad told me, pulling away so he was looking straight at me, “She’s gonna be okay kid,”

Shakily I nodded my head, following them towards all the maps strewn out on the cruiser. There were places circled, walkie talkies and clipboards everywhere. Harry Clearwater was there with his laptop open… everyone was out here. This was serious.

“Hey Alex, it’s gonna be alright,” Jake’s hand found its way to my shoulder as my head tried to make sense of all the mess around me. “Her truck’s here, maybe she just went for a walk?”

“With all these animal attacks? Are you crazy?” I shook his hand off me, but it just opened up a swelling pit of dread in my stomach.

Animal attacks. They’d been happening more often, and if no one had been able to reach her in hours… what if…

“Well, what about the hut?” I asked Dad, “Have you tried there?”

Over the course of the summer, Bella and I had found a small, abandoned building, more like a wooden shed really, not too far from the house. We took a picnic up there sometimes, and it was nice as long as it wasn’t raining - because the roof was littered with holes and we got soaked once.

“I’ll get so people on it –” Harry started,

“No.” I cut him off, “I’ll go, I know where it is.”

“That’s not a good idea Al,”

“Embry can with me,” I grabbed his hand in mine for assurance, and he gave me a tight squeeze in reply. He had my back, “You can call the _second_ you hear anything.”

There was a pause as Dad looked between the people around us like a silent deliberation was going on between them all. “Come on Dad please, I can’t just wait here and do nothing.”

Another pause.

“Okay,” he sighed finally, “Okay, but you call me immediately, and you bring her straight back.”

That one was aimed directly at the boy behind me.

“Of course.” I answered for Embry, grabbing a spare torch off the bonnet before turning to him, “Let’s go.”

I barely heard my Dad’s cry of ‘be careful’ as I ran straight towards the forest.

The hut was a long shot, but I couldn’t think of anywhere else she would have gone. Maybe she was still with Edward, but then again Dad would have called the Cullen’s by now, wouldn’t he? Maybe she’d just gotten a bit lost, but it was so cold and dark by now that even the thought of that…

What if she was hurt?

I couldn’t think about that.

I didn’t realise I was still holding Embry’s hand until he winced slightly from how tightly I was gripping it. I muttered a quick sorry, letting it go as I clicked on the torch, making our way along the well-trodden path through the forest.

The nights were getting steadily darker, especially since we were coming closer to winter, and the trees were even more shadowy. Surprisingly, my mind drifted to that night all those months ago. If I thought it was a struggle to see my way around then, I was gagging blind now. The light from the torch illuminated the narrow strip directly in front of my feet and every so often I’d wave it around, trying to catch a glimpse of the yellow coat Bella had been wearing when I last saw her.

I called out her name into the darkness, but obviously, there was no reply other than the sounds of night creatures. It was even more freaky since those stories about the wild animal attacks started mounting up – even if they were miles away, nearer La Push than Forks itself. Still, if I didn’t have Embry beside me, I’d be seriously freaking out right now.

Come on Bella, where are you?

We made it to the hut in not much time at all, I’d kind of been storming through the forest in my haste to get here, Embry following behind as he had no clue where we were going.

A small spark of hope started in my chest as I sprinted towards the door,

“Bella?” I called, “Bella!”

But inside was empty. A quick shine of my light about the place should it as barren as it was the day we found it. No sign of my half-sister anywhere in sight.

The torch dropped to my side in defeat. When Dad had said he hadn’t checked… I’d really hoped she’d had the common sense to make her way to shelter – or even better that I’d find her here and that she’d simply fallen asleep by accident. She was so clumsy; I wouldn’t put it past her.

But she wasn’t here.

Nothing from Dad either.

I couldn’t help the sting in my eyes as I let out the breath I’d been holding in.

Embry came up behind me, “She’s not here,” I told him.

His hand came to my shoulder and I let him pull me around into his chest, a small trickle running down my cheek as he enveloped me in his unusually warm body. Not that I minded, I was completely frozen, and it felt like my fingertips were going to fall off… I’d only been out here for twenty minutes or so, Bella could have been stuck outside for hours…

“It’ll be alright,” He murmured into my hair, “We’re gonna find her.”

The back of his jumper was clutched tightly in my fists still as I pulled away to look up at him. He’d grown a crazy amount in the past six months, I mean all three of the group had, but Embry the most by far. He was still lean like before, but his shoulders had broadened a bit and his whole look had grown up somewhat.

His eyes were still that same chocolatey brown when I met them though, and he still had that childish, soft smile on his face. I stared up at him as he seemed to be about to say something else, but then he seemed to change his mind.

And then his lips were on mine.

It took me a second to realise what was happening. I jolted backwards and he stumbled a few steps towards me as I blinked furiously in surprise.

“Wh-what are you doing?” I asked, my voice faint,

“You, uh, sh- shoot I’m, I’m uh, I’m sorry –”

“What the hell Embry?” My voice rose as I looked at him refusing to meet my eyes, “My sister’s missing and what? You – you try to kiss me?”

“No! I, uh –” He stumbled to the side as I stormed past him, “Alex! Alex, wait! I’m sorry okay?”

Marching out straight into the pitch black, it was obvious I was going to trip. My foot caught on something – a root probably and in my haste and I went careening forwards, hands slamming out onto the moist ground to stop a faceplant.

I cursed under my breath, immediately feeling the knees of my jeans soak up water. Embry called out, coming up behind me, but I just shook him off again, getting back to my feet again.

“Alex! Just stop a second…”

I flicked the light on this time before continuing on my path, just as angrily,

“Leave me alone!”

“Alex please!”

The desperation in his voice made me stop, and when I did the flashlight revealed the panic in his face as well as watery, glistening eyes.

“I, I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have done that–”

“No. You shouldn’t have,”

“It’s just…” He sighed, eyes dropping to his feet, “When I was talking to the guys about the date, and they said I should just go for it –”

“Wait,” I cut him off, “You thought this was a date?”

“No, not, not a first,” he ran a hand through his shaggy black hair, letting out a breath. “But then Quil and Jake said that it was, and, and that I should just go for it… and I just panicked. I don’t know what happened and I’m so, so sorry Alex.”

I didn’t really know what to say to that. I kind of just stood there, staring at him, my mind racing a million miles an hour. Embry, the guy who I would probably call my best friend just tried to make a move on me, and an incredibly, incredibly, stupidly bad timed one at that.

What the actual hell?

“If you wanted it to be a date you should have said,” I told him quieter than before.

“Would you have wanted it to be?” His question is equally timid,

“I, uh, I don’t know,” I shook my head, eyes finding my feet, “I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Right.”

“Embry?” He finally met my eyes again as I slowly approached, “Do you even like me, like _that_?”

He’d never shown any signs of it before.

Even when I was with Harvey, who was possibly one of the worst communicators in history when it came to flirting, made how he ‘felt’ clearer to me. Though, seeing as all that wasn’t true, it wasn’t much to go off. But Embry had never even shown a hint of wanting to do anything like that before, let alone a full-on kiss. It confused me way too much.

But his face told me everything I needed to know.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved.

“I’ve screwed up, haven’t I?”

“No,” I walked back up to him and wrapped my arms straight back around him, hearing the pain in his voice.

He immediately responded, hugging me back, “No, not at all.” I told him, “You’re my best friend Em, I couldn’t be mad at you if I tried.” I paused pulling away again a bit, “But you did pick the absolute worst timing and right now all I can think about is finding Bella alright? We – we can talk about this later.”

Embry didn’t respond, he was still looking sheepishly and embarrassed down at his feet, scuffing his shoe on the floor like he always did when he was anxious.

“Let’s, let’s just go back.” I shook my head as I turned the torch back onto the trees and started again down the path.

He followed without a word and we were awkwardly silent the whole way back.

I just couldn’t compute this right now, all that I could think about was finding Bella, I had to focus on that. Embry could wait, Embry would have to wait.

“Al,” He finally called out to me as we re-emerged from the trees, “I’m really sorry you know,”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” I responded, “And you’re okay, right?”

“Yeah,”

I nodded at him before offering my hand for him to take again. He did, sending me a half-sort of smile as he did, but it was a totally platonic gesture. I was going to need my best friend for tonight and I knew he would come through for me.

***

It had been nearly an hour since we’d got back, and there’d been nothing.

The mugs of steaming coffee had come out and the sky has darkened so only the moon was visible. Dad still hadn’t changed out of his police gear, but technically he was still on duty at this moment. Everyone from the neighbouring houses and everyone else we knew was here now, but it wasn’t helping.

I was so worried now that my fingernails were nearly reduced to nothing, and my knee kept jumping where I stood, next to Jake and his Dad with Embry right behind me. All of us were looking at the map of the surrounding area, marking off every point where Bella could be.

I felt like I could snap every second.

Nervous glances kept being glanced at Dad, he had kept checking up on me, making sure I wasn’t about to disappear too, forcing me to get a coat the second the temperature started to drop, but even he couldn’t hide it. This was getting really bad, really fast.

Every time I thought about Bella being lost alone somewhere in those woods… I tried not to, but it was impossible to occupy my mind with anything else.

More groups had gone out into the trees, some still yet to return, but Dad hadn’t let Embry and I go any further, he said it wasn’t safe enough and realistically, he was probably right.

Embry was still here though, he’d called his mom, told her what was happening and she agreed that he could stay, be dropped off back by Billy and Jacob. Honestly, I was more than grateful, without him here I would surely be falling apart.

I’d had to leave the group once already, unable to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. They didn’t need to see that, it would only get in the way.

Dad walked back over to the main group of us, as the radio whirred with another message through from some woman – a dead end as far as I could tell. The indistinguishable chatter on the police radio had been thrumming in my ears for ages now, but it was better than any form of silence would be.

He grabbed his phone off the bonnet, quickly punching the buttons,

“I’m going to try the Cullen’s place again,”

He lifted it to his ear as Billy Black looked up from his chair,

“The Cullens left town, Charlie.”

“Good riddance,” mumbled Harry under his breath – but still loud enough for me to hear it.

I knew Jake wasn’t fond of the family, but I always thought it was because he fancied Bella, what Harry Clearwater had against them, I didn’t have a clue.

“Where’d they go?”

“We’ll find her, Charlie.” Was Harry’s only reply as he placed his hand on Dad’s shoulder, a look of calm confidence in his eyes that I’d never seen replicated by another man. He said the words with such surety, it made me want to believe them.

If the Cullens had gone they would have told Bella, right? I mean, her and Edward, they were about as close as two people could get. I thought nothing would be able to separate them…

“Thanks Harry,” Dad muttered in reply,

Everyone stopped for a moment when suddenly Jake spoke, not loudly, but gravely enough to catch everyone’s attention.

“Charlie,”

All eyes swung towards the edge of the forest where a man had emerged. He was tall, tanned, strong, and in his arms was my sister.

Dad darted forward the second he realised, and I was following quickly. Jacob came after and the man called out to us as we approached,

“She’s alright,” He said, passing her straight into dad’s arms.

The weight suddenly lifted off my chest like the removal of a thousand bricks. Bella was still in her yellow coat, but she wasn’t moving.

She was alright, he said. That meant she had to be breathing, and she wasn’t injured. That was good, yeah, that was good.

Dad struggled slightly to take the full weight of his eighteen-year-old daughter who hung lifelessly in his arms, but he picked her up anyway,

“I got her. Thank you, Sam,”

The stranger, Sam, nodded his head. In that moment I was so caught up in the fact that Bella was okay and safe that I didn’t even process his toplessness as bizarre in any way. Considering it was bloody freezing outside, I probably should have, but with my sister like this, I didn’t give a damn at the time.

Dad’s head went forward to rest against Bella’s pale face as he carried her, quickly as possible, back towards the house. She had barely even registered he was holding her, she was almost catatonic in his arms.

I spared one more glance back at the stranger that my Dad seemed to know and deemed he must be from the Rez, but he was probably one of the tallest men I had ever seen and had the build to match it. His dark eyes met mine, but I couldn’t read them so I sent him a smile and hoped he could read the gratefulness on my face, before rushing indoors to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTICE:  
> Once again sorry for the wait! I've been going through and editing the other chapters, I realised I'd made some rookie errors like changing character's names and writing in the wrong tense! I'm so sorry, that should be fixed now. 
> 
> I'd also got my timings wrong in writing. Alex is a year and three months younger than Bella and arrived in Forks a year before - not two. Sorry about the change, but in order for the timeline to work I had to change it a little.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter. I had to split the original one in two because I felt it worked better that way, so I hope it's not too short for anyone. The idea that Alex constantly feels second best to her sister is an ongoing issue, especially where Charlie is involved. It is almost inevitable for someone in her situation to struggle with things like this, but it's also in her character to accept it and feel as though she deserves it - even if that is wrong. 
> 
> There are also six months between Part One and Part Two, and a lot can happen in that time, relationships can grow and change and improve. I wanted to give Alex six good months before the turbulence starts up again, give the girl a bit of a break because she won't get another for a long time!
> 
> xx


	9. Part Two- III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'She's strong but she'd exhausted.'

That was the first night Bella screamed.

And it was such a gut-wrenching, horrific scream that it had me springing from my bed and racing towards her room, sprinting alongside Dad, half expecting an axe murderer to be standing inside. Only it was just Bella, face contorted in agony and fists pummelling the pillow with her eyes screwed shut. Screaming.

And it didn’t stop.

Night after night her tormenting cries tore through the silence of the house, ripping Dad and me of any chance of slight slumber. For the first week, I was with him when he raced to her room; waking her, comforting her, holding her. But by ninth time in nine days that it happened, and my eyes opened to her unbearable yelling, I found myself just lying there, staring at the ceiling, not moving an inch. Nothing I did seemed to make it any better, I couldn’t bring her any comfort and in all the words and glasses of water I could give, nothing changed. So I just lay there breathing deeply, trying to block out all the world. As awful as it sounds, I couldn’t bring myself to get up and help.

The nights were horrible, but during the day it was worse. Any shred of my sister had been seemingly sucked into this black hole, a huge void filling where her presence once was. She didn’t talk, she barely ate, she just sat in her room or on the sofa and stared out at nothing – she was nothing anymore.

All because of Edward.

No one knew what happened that night, she wouldn’t talk about it – refused to even say his name, but it had to be bad. It had to be something so, so terrible to destroy her so much, and my tired mind couldn’t help but flood with scenarios that I couldn’t bear to think about. There was no physical damage, but inside – it was like my sister had gone completely.

The worst thing was, I couldn’t help loathing Bella a little. It wasn’t her fault, but three weeks in, I couldn’t think straight anymore. I looked a mess, and my head was even worse. I had permanent bags under my eyes and the second I blinked in class I felt myself slowly slipping away. I struggled through every lesson like wading through treacle and this dull, constant headache had become my new companion.

My friends had noticed, taking up the roles of shaking me awake in class, or sometimes just letting me be at our lunch table. Whenever we sat down though, I couldn’t help my eyes wonder to Bella sat on her own, a single uneaten apple on her tray and her face completely blank and expressionless. She looked so lost and I wanted to help, but all my mind could do was think of my bed, or anywhere I could rest really.

That was why the next time I saw Embry I had fallen asleep on his couch five minutes into the movie. I woke up hours later covered in a blanket as he talked softly to Jacob in the next room along, who hadn’t heard from Bella once since that night. Jake asked me how she was, and then how I was – but I didn’t know what to tell him. When he had gone, Embry pulled me into a hug, and I’d let some tears fall.

I didn’t know what I’d do without him.

Embry hadn’t brought up what happened in the forest, and I was secretly glad. I knew we’d have to talk about it at some point, but right now I just needed my best friend and like always, he seemed to know that. I’d stayed over that night; I think Embry had told his mum bits and pieces because she was a lot less stern about it than usual.

I felt guilty that I was glad to be out of the house.

Dad was struggling too. He was still up every night, even when I went to comfort Bella in hope of letting him rest a little (though I knew it was no use from experience), and I felt bad about when I left him to it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to move anymore. All I wanted was sleep, but I was sure that’s all he wanted too.

I saw the pain in his exhausted eyes every time he looked at Bella, and then more pain when he looked at me. He knew I was struggling too; he saw it even before the school rang him up about my falling grades. Every moment he could he spent with me, trying to make sure that I was okay, but there wasn’t really much he could do, other than suggesting I stay over at a friend’s when I could.

Lucy was more than happy to have me; both her parents were as easy-going as they come. And it didn’t matter that it was a mattress on the floor, as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out like a light. She understood, saw how Bella was and was quick to offer her house up once a week. I went on Fridays because on Saturday mornings I volunteered with the kids at the hospital and I had to be on full alert there. I couldn’t risk not being on top form.

Most weirdly, being at the hospital was the best part of my week. Despite the frantic nature and the whole place zapping any mere morsel of energy I had left, the second I stepped inside with my guitar, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Here, I was actually doing good and making a difference. The children loved hearing my music and singing along; playing for them made me smile as much as it did them. It was my peace.

I spent as little time at home as possible and I knew that it hurt Dad. After the night Bella left all those months ago I had come home to, not just a worried father, but a worried father who wanted to make everything right. He had taken me out the next day to a gorgeous part of the forest (though not as beautiful as the cliffside that I had ended up on) and we had sat and talked, really talked. There was nothing I appreciated more because I knew how hard that was for him, words were never his strong point.

He and my mum had a very short relationship, that was over before she even knew she was pregnant with me, and it was nothing compared to the love he still held in his heart for Bella’s mum, that was obvious… but it didn’t matter. Because he loved me just as much as he loved Bella. He told me that himself.

Some evenings, when Bella retreated to her room after pushing food around her plate for a while, we would find ourselves together on the sofa and just find comfort in the silence. I was tired and worried, but it was nothing compared to him. He was more than scared, he was terrified. His daughter was slipping away, and he didn’t know how to stop it.

Plus, every week there were more reports of animal attacks and all the bodies were found too late. Every day he came home from work I wondered how he found the strength to get up again in the morning, but he always did. Every single day.

“Alex? Hey Al, you with me?”

Jerking back to reality I met Embry’s face as we made our way along First beach, the wintery wind starting to nip against my skin. As the seasons changed the waves had grown rougher, warning most tourists and locals away from the sand. In fact, we were completely alone apart from one other family – and the loons jumping off the cliff.

According to Embry that was Sam Uley, and he didn’t seem too fond of him from the look on his face. But, seeing as it was he who saved my sister, I was rather reluctant to let Em’s view influence me at all. I mean, I didn’t know the guy, but if he and his crazy mates wanted to go cliff jumping, half-naked, into the freezing cold ocean, who was I to judge?

“Uh, yeah, sorry,” I sighed, “What were you saying?”

“I was asking if you were staying tonight, mum’s on a shift at the hospital, so it’s okay if you want to.”

“I should probably go home,” I told him, well aware how reluctant my voice sounded.

Embry was the one who knew the most about the Bella situation out of any of my friends, but even he didn’t know the full extent. Out of our entire household, I was the one who was least affected, complaining about how I felt when I knew Dad was dredging away in his office with everything on his shoulders… it felt awfully selfish.

I had two late essays due before the end of the week, that I had been given extensions for – though rather reluctantly in one case, but right now I had no intention of going home to try and do them. I was going to go to the library tomorrow, try to just power them out in one sitting. Normally teachers weren’t worried about slipping grades until it happens for a few consecutive months, but I had never got a D in science before and now I was struggling to get any higher. They had talked to Dad and talked to me, but I had promised to get a grip on them again soon – I was just dreading having to actually fulfil my promise.

Embry had made it his thing to pick me up in his truck after my session at the hospital, and sometimes we went straight home and studied together for a while – the company helped stop me thinking, and kept me awake – but today I just asked him to take me somewhere else, anywhere else. I wasn’t ready to go home just yet.

So, here we were, trekking across the beach even though it was bloody freezing. I didn’t mind though, the hair slapping against my face was a good, constant wake up call.

My eyes drifted back out to the sea, where a young boy and his father were splashing about in the waves, despite their roughness. The mother was sat, wrapped up tightly in her coat like a sensible person, reading a novel on the shore, every so often glancing up at her family.

I turned back to Embry, mouth opening to thank him for the offer when a scream rang out through the air.

The mother was on her feet and racing towards the water, where the young boy had disappeared from sight and the father was hurriedly searching through the waves. The boy didn’t come back up.

I stopped where I was, freezing in place. But Embry immediately reacted, pulling off his jumper and top at the same time, running straight towards the water and diving in too.

I couldn’t do anything but stand and watch, the mother’s cries echoing in my ears. I should… I should…

Suddenly the man burst out of the water, a limp boy in his arms. He was calling out to his partner frantically, they were both screaming, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying, my eyes fixated on the boy’s blue body. The second the father reached the sand, he collapsed to his knees, laying his son down and shaking him madly.

They cried out… he wasn’t breathing.

Suddenly I knew what I should do.

I was there in a second, knelt on the sand opposite the parents, barely registering Embry behind me. I said something about knowing what to do, and I must have been authoritarian enough because everyone listened.

I didn’t really know what was happening around me.

But none of that mattered. All I was focused on was the child. What mattered was saving his life.

My ear went down to his mouth and nose, they were right. Fingers to the neck: no pulse either.

Compressions.

Hands on his chest, one, two, three, four…

Nellie – the elephant – packed – her trunk – and said – goodbye to the – cir – cus –

It was a stupid song, but it was the correct rhythm for compressions, and it helped me keep the timing right. After one round and no response, I cleared his airways and breathed deeply into his mouth before resuming.

Resuscitation. It was terrifying.

But I kept going, I didn’t even think, I just knew. I always thought if the moment ever came, I could freeze up, there was always a chance I could fail. But this boy’s life was in my hands until the ambulance arrived. I couldn’t fail him.

More people had arrived now, but I didn’t look, continuing the pushing on his chest. Come on, come on, come on –

There was a gasp.

The boy lurched up suddenly, water spewing out of his mouth uncontrollably as he coughed and choked it out onto the sand. His mother went straight to rubbing his back as I rocked back onto my heels, letting out the biggest breath I ever had. He was alive.

Suddenly I could hear everything again. Embry was on the phone to the paramedics; they were nearly here. The boy was coughing and shaking uncontrollably, his lips still blue, but he was breathing and moving, smothered by his parents and pulled tightly into his mother’s chest. He was okay. He was okay.

He was okay.

It was like a wave crashing over me suddenly, however ironic that sounded. But only now could I feel the damp sand soaking through the material of my jeans, the cold of the biting air, the hair that clung to my face with sweat and the dull ache of overworked arm muscles.

The adrenaline was slowly draining from my body and it was like waking up from a dream, my breaths coming out in large heaving pants.

The mother was thanking me, over and over again, but all I could bring myself to do was nod as the sound of sirens filled my ears. They were here.

I pulled back the hair from my face, only then glancing up at the other people who had joined us. One of them was running away towards the ambulance, to lead them here, and another was crouched down by the parents, his hand against the boy’s forehead as if that would help. It was Sam.

The family didn’t look like locals, but Sam was talking to them in such a calm and controlled manner that they were already less frantic by the time the paramedics reached us.

I moved back as they took over, finally getting to my feet. I stumbled a little as I let them do their job.

The parents told them his name was Mikey and that he was nine years old, and I quickly followed with how many rounds of compressions and any other information I thought would be useful. My voice was breathless but clear enough. They nodded which meant they understood my words.

I’d seen it done on TV, but never in person and although I’d learnt, it had been a while since I’d practised. That boy could’ve died in my arms.

The thought was petrifying.

Running a hand through my hair my eyes rose to meet the third and final person who joined the scene, but when I did, I froze.

Hand dropping back to my side I gulped as I met with a pair of dark, obsidian coloured eyes, staring straight back at me.

I knew those eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said Paul wouldn't appear this chapter, but it felt right so I went with it. I found this quite an important chapter to write as it was an opportunity to show the full extent of Alex's strength of character, I hope you liked it! I also think there is a lack of emphasis on how badly Bella's depression affects those closest to her in the books/films, so I wanted to give a hint to how hard it actually can be for loved ones in situations like this.
> 
> As a person, she's very judgemental of herself and self-worth, which I think a lot of us are, so it may appear that she forgives too easily in some cases but this just comes from her lack of belief in her right to be upset with people. It's one of the reasons she and Paul will be so perfect for each other.
> 
> All your comments from the last chapter were so lovely, I was really inspired to get this one up as early as possible. Any guesses about what will happen next? Do you think Paul will act differently around Alex now he's shifted? Please let me know what you think!
> 
> xx


	10. Part Two-IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Our eyes met and suddenly I forgot how to breathe.'

“Paul...”

The word was carried away by the wind, so soft it was almost inaudible over the tide lapping against the sand. He heard me though, a small gasp escaping his lips with realisation.

His eyes remained the same pools of soft brown that they were that night, as he stared at me indecipherably. His brow was furrowed deeply, jaw slightly dropped, and his eyes were looking straight at me, or more precisely, straight into me. He seemed frozen in the moment; caught in some emotion that I couldn’t quite describe as he stared. It was so intense I felt as if I could fall straight into his gaze and never resurface again. He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it again, not saying a word.

I went to speak once more myself, but I blinked and found myself able to, a wave of lightheadedness suddenly washing over me. Everything hit me at once and I started to sway, the world growing dizzy.

I blinked again, trying to clear the curtain of fuzz… once, twice. My breaths suddenly felt heavier, my muscles aching and a tugging in my head pulling my eyes shut. I tried to take a step, say something, but my vision tilted and blurred, and I was suddenly slipping.

Warmth engulfed me before I hit the floor, but I couldn’t open my eyes anymore, and my mind was pulled into the blackness, a voice in my ear, calling my name.

***

The first thing I registered was a pounding in my head. I heard it in my ears, beating like my heart. Then there was the too-bright light as I cracked my eyes open a smidge, and the feeling of warmth seeping into my bones.

My eyes fluttered open and closed repeatedly, the lingering thought of sleep tempting me to go back. But, as I shifted, the feeling of an unknown surface beneath my head had my eyes cracking open more, the room around me becoming clear. My hand moved up to rub between my eyes, trying to dispel the fading thrum of my headache as I looked around.

I was lying on a worn leather couch, a blanket draped open my body and head resting against a soft pillow. The world around me seemed crafted from wood; a wooden shelf next to my head and the ceiling above me, beams of unfiled wood, the walls painted a warm sort of yellow, decorated with all kinds of homey ornaments, pots, candles, lamps and photo-frames, plants in the corners.

“Pretty nice huh?”

My head turned at the sound of a new voice, slightly startled by the break in the silence.

Paul Lahote stood in the doorway, arms folded over his chest as he watched me, his mouth forming somewhere between a frown and a small smile on his face.

“Yeah,” I breathed in reply. The place was tidy, but well lived in, filled to the brim like a home should be. “Is this your house?”

Paul scoffed but with a small grin on his face,

“You’re at Sam’s place. After you collapsed on the beach you didn’t show signs of waking up anytime soon.”

I collapsed? Well, that was embarrassing. In all honesty, I couldn’t remember much after the paramedics took over.

I glanced back up at Paul and it suddenly struck me how different he looked since the last time I had seen him. How did I not notice on the beach? I guess I must have been too busy fainting like a damsel in distress, which I didn’t even want to think about.

Paul had grown significantly in the six months since our last encounter. His lanky frame had filled out with muscles that even the dark night wouldn’t have been able to hide from me, and his once shaggy long hair was cropped short but still somehow messy. He stood there in a pair of cut-off shorts and no shirt, his skin bronze and rippling with strength underneath, shoulders rising and falling with each deep intake of breath.

My eyes snapped back up to his and warmth rushed straight to my cheeks when I realised he’d caught me staring. That grin transformed into a small smirk, amusement glinting in his eyes. I ignored it, sitting upright and causing the brown blanket to slide off my shoulders and pool in my lap. I was still in my jumper, but my coat had been removed by whoever had carried me in here probably. I was grateful for it though; this place was warm enough without it.

“How long was I out for?” I asked, almost dreading the answer,

“Quite a while,” Paul said, pushing off the doorway, “Sam called your Dad, he’s on his way.”

“I’m sorry,”

“What for?” he cocked an eyebrow, clearly confused by my statement,

“I’m not sure fainting on you is the _best_ way to go about reintroducing myself,” I smiled at him,

“It did give me quite the scare,” He admitted, his face suddenly dropping to a smaller serious frown as he moved to the couch.

He sat down next to me, the leather dipping under his weight as his thigh nearly brushed mine, but it didn’t make me uncomfortable, maybe because we’d already been physically closer than this before, I don’t know.

There was a pause as I sighed and my head dropped to my lap. I hated being like this, a hassle to people in this way. How pathetic am I that I blackout when someone’s heart had just stopped beating?

I knew what it was, the rush of adrenaline and other hormones filling my blood in the situation, that made me actually able to do what I had to, had been slowly leeching out of my system, leaving me to suddenly feel the absence of all the energy I had used up. And, well, with the lack of sleep I was getting at the moment and everything else, it couldn’t have helped.

Still though, how was I going to manage to be a nurse if I couldn’t manage to keep my own self in check?

I looked back to Paul, only to find him already staring. He looked at me with the same depth he did back on the beach like his eyes were trying to figure out every part of me and I knew it should have felt weird, but I kind of found it nice. His gaze wasn’t scrutinizing, it was almost… comforting. Unlike me, he didn’t seem to care when I caught him looking at me, only moving so much that his eyes found mine again.

“You cut your hair,” He said quietly, so gently I almost didn’t hear, but my hand went up to tuck a piece behind my ear anyway.

“So did you.”

I didn’t know why he was picking out the changes in me when he was the one who almost looked like a completely different person. In six months he’d seemed to have gone from boy to man, and it suddenly hit me that I didn’t have a clue how old he actually was, I never asked him. I didn’t know anything about him at all really.

“Yeah,” he sat up straighter, “I guess a lot has changed.”

For him it clearly had. Last time I had seen him there was this darkness in his face, this sort of brokenness that wasn’t there anymore. Maybe Sam had been helping him, unlike what Embry said. Paul looked healthier, happier than the last time we met. I wish I could say the same for me. I was sure I just looked a lot more tired.

“Do you want a drink of water or something?”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” I smiled, slightly taken aback by his question, “Thanks.”

His face suddenly seemed to light up like a little puppy for some reason and he quickly got to his feet, smiling back at me.

As he left, I sat crossed-legged on the couch for a while, watching the world outside the large glass window on the wall opposite me. Sam’s house was clearly well embedded in the forest, all I could see was the thick green of plants and trees past the dirt track that ran outside. The whole place was quiet, secluded and peaceful. It felt as if I could breathe a little easier.

Voices came from the next room, and as always, curiosity killed the cat. I got to my feet, making sure to rearrange the blanket back on the seat, before following the sounds.

There were no doors between the rooms of the house, making the whole place feel more open. I peered round into the only other room downstairs, a wide-open space including a kitchen, where Paul was stood, water in hand, talking to a woman whose back was to me as she mixed something in the bowl.

This room too was creamy yellow coloured with a rustic wooden ceiling and features. There was a white wooden table in front of me, mismatched chairs crammed around it and a wooden kitchen counter – again painted white as well as various other items of furniture.

A floorboard creaked quietly under my foot, gaining Paul’s attention instantly and he turned around, the smile coming back on his face when he saw me.

The woman turned round to and smiled brightly at me. She was native and very beautiful, with large dark eyes and glossy black hair, but I got caught for a second on the three long lines stretching down the right side of her face, pale pink and raised. My eyes flew back to her smile though that was big and welcoming as she looked at me.

“You must be Alex,” She said, eyes flickering between Paul and me for a second, “It’s nice to meet you, I’m Emily – Sam’s fiancée.”

“Nice to meet you too,” I replied, instantly taken in by her happy manner,

“Do you want a cookie?” She asked, pulling on a pair of well-used oven gloves, “They’re just ready to come out.”

I was going to reply, but a large growling from my stomach gave me away before I could. Paul chuckled at me, as I bit my lip sheepishly,

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Emily replied.

Paul handed me the glass of water before pulling out two chairs at the table and I thanked him silently as I took a seat. He sat down heavily in the other, moving to rest his forearms on the table in front of him, hunching over his shoulders as he watched me. He was still grinning.

I took a quick drink from the glass, the cool water instantly soothing my throat, which I hadn’t realised was slightly raw until that second, before placing it back on the table.

At that moment Emily produced a huge plate, piled high with the largest chocolate cookies I had probably ever seen. They looked mouth-watering though. I looked to Emily for silent permission and she nodded at me, so I reached out, taking the top one from the pile, having to break a small chunk off to try first, because otherwise, it would need to be eaten with both hands. I almost moaned in delight at the taste that hit my tongue, it was amazing. My baking skills were about as competent as my cooking ones, so it had been ages since I’d eaten any proper home baking, even if Emily’s was more like top-notch bakery quality.

Paul chuckled at my reaction, not hesitating to grab two for himself immediately, one in each hand. I kind of wasn’t surprised though. The size of that boy now he probably needed as many calories as he could get.

With every bite, I felt my energy returning to me and I felt that little bit more awake. Emily joined us at the table, a steaming mug of something in her hands. I thought I demolished my cookie pretty quickly, but by the time I was halfway through, Paul had already engulfed both of his and was reaching for a third.

His hand didn’t make it to the plate though, as before it could Emily was slapping him away.

“Save some for your brother’s,” She lightly scolded him, the smile still not dropping from her face though.

Paul surprisingly did what he was told and leant back in his chair, choosing instead to study me as I ate the rest of mine. I was sure my face was constantly red as a tomato under his gaze, but I tried not to let it bother me. It wasn’t bad exactly, but I wasn’t really used to the attention of other people, so I felt a little self-conscious under his gaze. Not about how I looked to him or anything, but more because I couldn’t help but wonder why he was looking.

He was right I had cut my hair shorter, it now hung about my collar bone rather than just above my chest, but other than that I couldn’t think of a way I had changed at all to warrant such intense observation. A small, niggling feeling in the back of my mind told me it was because he thought I was weird, that he really had seen me as a freak that night on the cliff, but if that was the case surely he would be trying to stay as far away as possible, not choosing to sit right next to me in a chair.

“How are you feeling?” He asked after a while, clearly noticing me get lost in thought and drifting out of the light conversation.

“I’m okay,” I replied, “Just a bit shaken up I think,”

“You were very brave,” Emily told me, “You saved that little boy’s life.”

I didn’t know had to respond to that. Thank you? Resuscitation wasn’t exactly something done for credit, I mean, someone had to do it, I was just lucky that I knew how. I wish I never had to, or that I would never have to again.

The image of the boy flew back into my brain. Lying there, cold, blue, lifeless. I hadn’t absorbed it at the time, but now I was seeing it clear as day, the way he lay on the sand, his small pale body not moving at all…

“Is he going to be okay?” My voice was suddenly much timider than I would have liked, filled with worry and concern.

“He’s going to be fine.”

I turned over my shoulder at the sound of Sam’s voice as he entered his house. He was still shirtless like Paul, but the second he stepped inside he suited the place perfectly. It was like Emily, they both looked exactly like they belonged here, like they were part of the furniture itself.

“I just got a call from his parents, they’re going to keep him overnight for observation, but they think he’s going to be alright,” The seriousness of his voice calmed my suddenly racing heart a little, and I couldn’t stop the small breath of relief. “All thanks to you Alex,”

I could only nod in response, unable to actually form words. He was going to be okay, I hadn’t failed, Forks hospital was good with kids, they’d look after him well.

Sam approached the table, beelining for his fiancée and wrapping his huge arms straight over her shoulders. Both their smiles seemed to broaden as they did, Sam stealing the mug out of Emily’s hands and taking a large gulp from her drink as he did before snuggling straight up to her and placing a lasting kiss on her temple. The moment was heart-warming to witness.

“Your Dad’ll be here soon Alex,”

“Thanks, I replied, before I was suddenly struck by a thought I should have had a lot, lot earlier, “Where’s Embry?”

I pretended not to notice the way Paul slightly tensed up beside me at the sounds of Embry’s name. If he was the age I thought he was when I first met him, then he and Embry might have known each other from school – did they not like each other or something?

“We dropped him off back home on the way here,” Sam said, flashing what looked like a warning look at Paul before he spoke, “He’s fine too.”

“Oh, okay.” I nodded, “I should probably give him a call, let him know I’m all good.”

Sam simply gave me a nod as I rose from my seat, patting my pocket in expectation to find my phone before I remembered it was in the pocket of my coat.

“On the hanger,” Sam seemed to read my mind.

Smiling grateful, I retrieved my coat, pulling it on before I went outside. It was still November outside the warmth of their house, and I was still someone who felt the cold, unlike those two loons for men appeared to.

Embry picked up quickly, clearly expecting me to call.

“Hey? How are you?” he said, once I’d spoken first,

“I’m fine,” I told him, “I’m at Sam’s, Dad’s on his way to get me.”

“I wanted to come with you, but Sam insisted I went home,” Embry told me in a disgruntled voice, not trying to hide his bias against the man. “You scared the living hell outta me, Al,”

“He was probably right to take you home,” I told him, “What happened was a lot.”

“You’re telling me? You were amazing!” His voice rose through the phone, “I’ve never seen you like that before, it was, it was incredible.”

“uh, thanks,”

“You seriously freaked me out when I came back and you were flat out though, don’t do that again.” He totally wasn’t serious, clearly totally giddy after the event unlike me. I just wanted to stop thinking about it and go back to sleep, preferably on Sam’s couch.

“I’ll try not to,” I promised, “Can I call you later, my Dad’s here.”

That was a total lie, the cruiser was nowhere in sight yet. But Embry clearly wanted to talk about today, and I very much so didn’t. Ever since I woke up I couldn’t get the image of the Mikey like that out of my head, and in all honesty, it made me feel a bit sick.

“Yeah sure,” Em replied, “And I’ll see you Tuesday, right?”

“Yeah,” I replied softly, “See you Tuesday.”

I hung up quickly and put the phone back in my pocket. Closing my eyes for a moment I let out a deeper breath than I knew I was holding in, letting the whole world come to a standstill for a few moments. Damn, I was tired.

There was a soft breeze in m=the air that relaxed me as it brushed past my cheek. I could smell the forest and the pine drifting through the air as well as the slight saltiness that still clung to my hair from First beach. I needed a nice warm shower when I got home, wash the rest of the day from my body. I still had those two essays to do, but right now they were the furthest thing from my mind. That boy nearly died in my arms today, and I didn’t think I would be letting that go any time soon.

“You alright?”

My eyes opened, but this time I didn’t look round at Paul, staying where I was and instead watching the scenery in front of me from where I sat on the porch steps.

“Mmm,” I hummed in reply, hearing the steps creak as Paul once again sat down next to me, his body immediately radiating heat on mine. Seriously, what temperature does this guy run at?

“I can’t stop thinking about it either,”

I looked at him, lost at how he’d managed to work out what was whirling around my head. I guess it was pretty obvious, but still, he hit the nail right on the head. There was a pause as I soaked in his words. Of course, he was thinking about it, everyone probably was. It was a terrifying thing for everyone involved, I couldn’t bear to think about those poor parents, seeing their child like that.

My lip was clutched beneath my teeth as I observed Paul. His eyes still seemed to be exploring mine, but they were understanding, empathising but not pitying in any way, nor holding this look that everyone else seemed to have. They just seemed to get it.

“How did you know what to do?”

“I want to be a nurse,” My words were faint, “I’ve done first aid courses, online tutorials and the like.” I shrugged, “Most of the time they’re not much help, but it’s good to know stuff. You never know when you might need it…”

My voice trailed off, drifting back to another memory that I had pushed far further into the back of my head. The truth was, even though deep down I knew it would have done no good, I always felt that if I knew then what I knew now I could have done more to save her, I could have tried harder.

I couldn’t look at Paul. Tears were already threatening to brim in my eyes, and for some reason, I felt looking at him would make me want to let them pour over as they had done before. It was something about him that made me want to let all the bad stuff out, even though I knew it should be kept in.

“You’d make a brilliant nurse.”

I was shocked at his sudden words, and the sincerity at which they were said. Most people replied with a ‘that’s nice’ and a pat on the back, their eyes showing that they never truly believed I would actually do it. After all, it was years of hard work and training to get there and although smart, I wasn’t exactly the smartest kid out there. If I told any of my teachers about my life plan at the moment, with the grades I had, none of them would have believed me. But Paul did.

“Thanks,”

I was hesitant to ask my next question.

It was clear Paul had changed, that was as obvious as day and night. It wasn’t even just physically, there was a shift in his entire persona, but it still felt like a very personal question to ask even if the answer was hinted at, I didn’t want to encroach on territory that he wasn’t comfortable in. After all, this was only the second time we had spoken, even if it weirdly didn’t feel like that.

“Are things… better, now?”

“Yes,” he replied, his voice confident but quiet as his dark eyes continued to stare into mine, but there was a flicker of doubt in them and for a second I wondered whether that was the whole truth. “What about you? Are things better, with your Dad and sister?”

“Yeah,”

I tried to sound as confident as he did because in the way he was asking then yes, things were better. My relationship with Dad was stronger than ever, and Bella and I were closer than we had ever been… well we were until a few weeks ago. I guess I was just struggling in other ways now, different ways, but they didn’t matter. I couldn’t admit that out loud.

The sound of tires against the road had my eye pulling away from Paul’s to where the cruiser came pulling up in front of the wooden house. Dad climbed out quickly, worry etched all over his face that I could make out, even from a distance and I quickly got to my feet to approach him. Sam and Emily also came out, Emily waiting in the doorway as Sam went to greet him and talk.

I quickly thanked Emily for her cookies and couch, before turning to join my Dad.

“Alex,” Paul caught my attention ago before I was about to say goodbye, “Look, could I…” He stumbled over his words, suddenly surprisingly nervous and running a hand through his hair, “Could I maybe, get your number?”

I couldn’t stop the smile spreading on my face as I tried. Was he really nervous to ask? “It would be nice to, you know, not have to wait another six months to see you again.”

I chuckled at that,

“Sure,”

I threw him my phone across the short distance, and he caught it easily, quickly punching numbers into the keypad. “I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah,” He replied, a boyish smile gracing his features that gave him a dimple on his right side that I had never seen before, “See you soon.”

There was a promise in his eyes, and I knew he didn’t intend to break it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this, I really struggled to get into the flow of this chapter for some reason but I hope I did it justice. All your lovely comments on the last chapter made me really enthusiastic about the way the story is going so thank you so much! It's crazy that so many people are enjoying the book.  
> Lots more Paul from now on! 
> 
> xx


	11. Part Two- V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'You looked in my eyes a little too long to not have any feelings for me.'

I received my first text from Paul the next day.

I was sitting crossed legged on my bed, with piles of folders, textbooks and various sheets of paper spread around me in a vaguely ordered mess that was starting to grow so tall I feared it would become a barricade between me and the real world, and I would never see over the top of those stacks ever again. Okay, so maybe I was being a bit dramatic, but seriously, I did have way too much work to cram into twelve short hours of the day.

Not only were both of the essays due on Monday, but so was about a dozen other pieces of homework. Now, normally I might have been able to manage it, with careful planning and a straight head, but right now, I was missing one of those two crucial things.

My mind was a mess, and as a result, my concentration was all over the place. Three hours into an essay that should have taken my no longer than one and a half, the voice inside me was screaming to just work, work, work… but I couldn’t stop myself drifting off.

And every time, I saw that little boy’s face.

Somehow, Dad had heard about what happened. I had never heard such pride in his voice, and that made me happier than anything. But I didn’t want to feel happy about having to save someone’s life. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t my selfish achievement to indulge in, and his blue chapped lips haunted me.

He was alright, he was okay. But that didn’t make the image go away.

I must still be overtired, which meant what happened was having more of an impact on my mental state. That was what was happening.

The only time I wasn’t thinking of that boy, was when I was thinking of Paul, which brought a very different kind of feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t help the corners of my mouth tilting up at even the memory, which was strange as I had absolutely nothing to smile about with this crushing time limit hanging over my head.

Did I fancy him? Of course I did. I think I fancied him even before he changed, but I was so caught up in myself that night that I didn’t even realise it. And after yesterday, I think I properly liked him too. Was that possible? To like someone after just one day of knowing them?

And did he like me too? He asked for my number, right? That was a good sign. But I couldn’t escape the thought that next to him I was just so… ordinary.

He’d turned into this different person, this large presence (figuratively and literally) and next to him I must seem so out of place. There was no reason for him to look at me any differently to a stranger walking across the street, and, I guess, I didn’t want to even consider the possibility only to be let down. Harvey had let me down. And he was much more on my level than Paul.

I wanted to move past the point of appearance. I often preached that looks shouldn’t matter, it was personality that counted. But this was the real world, and I doubted there was a single person in the living in it that honestly didn’t care about the way they or others looked at all. I mean, I had to admit I wasn’t exactly attracted to Harvey the first time I met him, I don’t actually really know what it was that drew me in, it was the sort of thing that grew over time for both of us – or at least I thought it was.

If I couldn’t even read the situation right with someone like Harvey, how the hell could I begin to guess at what Paul might be thinking. Was it really impossible for anyone to actually find me attractive? I shook the thought away. I’d never been ‘pretty’ in that sense, not like Bella was, or Libby, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t happy with how I looked. Apart from the acne that sometimes reared its face, there wasn’t anything I hated when I looked in the mirror. I just looked normal, ordinary, and I liked that I looked like me.

Maybe it was just other people that didn’t like what they saw.

I shook the thought away quickly, heaving myself out of the downward spiral. That was dangerous territory and I had to get this work done. There was plenty of time for contemplating the meaning of the universe and other pointless stuff when I was trying to sleep. Right now, work needed to take precedence.

That was when my phone buzzed.

Let’s just say, other than the essays, I didn’t get much more work done that day.

***

Monday rolled around quickly and passed by without as much trouble as I had expected. I’d spent lunch working in the library, and I got most of my homework done to an acceptable standard. Before this year I would have never in ‘adequate’ work, I would always have tried to do it as well as possible, but things change. The pieces I couldn’t get in, I got an extension for – purposefully choosing to not do the work for the classes with the more lenient teachers. I had kept a steady conversation with Paul in the evenings when we were both free, and it stopped late at night only to start again when the sun rose, with a good morning text that made my heart flutter.

Tuesday passed much the same, I spent most of my free time in the library again, and finally caught up. It was basically empty, so no one saw me fall asleep – my head on the desk and headphones still in – or if they did, no one did anything about it. When I woke up I had about five minutes before my theatre club rehearsal and I quickly gathered my stuff.

I wasn’t in many scenes of the musical we were putting on, purposefully staying away from the chorus numbers this year. I was junior after all.

I don’t really know why I was still committed to this thing. I probably shouldn’t have even auditioned this year, with my falling grades and struggle to keep up with life in general, it was just another thing filling up the lack of space in my head and time, but it was something I enjoyed for the most part. I didn’t want to give up that bit of my happiness too.

The unknown musical we were doing was Jessica’s creation and basically, her child, which made her even more unbearable than normal. Despite being part of the directing team, she was also somehow the principal role, but it wasn’t like anyone else would have wanted to do it, and it was undeniable that she had an amazing voice, so if she wanted her time in the spotlight, then I was more than happy to let her.

I arguably had one of the best parts, even if it wasn’t the biggest, which was a surprise as my audition was such a shamble. I guess I was lucky that Jessica was Bella’s mate and therefore knew kind of what was going on.

It was a more comedic role, mostly with my counterpart and ‘love interest’ played by Riley. It was only a handful of scenes, but most of them were just the two of us – if you ignore other characters dipping in and out – so they tended to be really good. Riley was a laugh to work with – when he showed up. The singing was obviously my favourite part and the only bit I was really good at. I could act as much as was needed, but they very quickly gave up trying to get me to dance at all – I was exactly like Bella in that respect.

I had a solo, and a duet with Riley, which is what we were rehearsing today. But, when I entered the sort-of theatre that Forks Highschool used for its productions, only Jessica was present. She had her back to me, shuffling through a pile of music sheets in a slightly stressed manner, wearing an angry pink curtain and her light-brown hair was curled as always.

“Finally,” She said the second she saw me, though it somehow it almost felt insulting. I knew my time management was crappy, but I wasn’t that late, was I? “At least one of you is still here.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, shrugging off my backpack and coat as I did.

“Your co-actor has decided that he would rather spend his time partying and drinking –which, you know, is totally fine even though we have a show on in less than two months… but I guess he worked out his priorities.”

Clearly, to Jessica, it wasn’t fine at all.

“Riley’s quit?” I was a bit shocked at that. I knew he was going slightly off the rails at the moment, hell, a few weeks ago he even showed up tipsy. But I didn’t think he would actually quit, he was like, the best actor in the whole thing. “So, you gonna cut the scenes then?”

That was the only logical solution I could think of. Part of me was disappointed, but I part was also relieved. Taking one thing off the plate may have enabled me to breathe a little more.

“No,” She replied though, throwing the pages into her bag and gathering her stuff, “I found a replacement.”

“What do you mean, who-”

My voice trailed off when another person entered the room as Jessica headed for the exit, and my stomach dropped a little. She wasn’t serious?

“Enjoy,” She smiled at me, but it was a Jessica smile and so fakely cheerful that I almost wanted to slap it off her. “I left the music on the stage!” Her voice shouted from the corridor.

Exhaling deeply, my eyes turned to Jason who hung in the doorway still. He didn’t look entirely comfortable either.

“Hey,”

“Hi.”

Well, this was awkward.

It may not have been so awkward if this wasn’t a love duet, and if the boy I was now singing it with wasn’t the best friend of my ex and the brother of the girl he cheated on me with. Whom I’d have to kiss. On stage.

The world seriously hated me.

“Alex-”

“We should rehearse.” I cut him off. I did not want to do this conversation. My best chance was just to ignore it all. Just do the sodding duet and forget the pain in my chest when I remembered what they did to me.

“Sure,”

Thank goodness Jason wasn’t going to push any further. I handed him his sheets, as he pulled out a chair. I did the same and sat down, cringing as it scraped against the floor. “Do we need music or…”

“I’ve got it on my i-pod,” I answered,

“Right.”

“Have you, uh, have you heard the song before?” I asked, not looking up from the i-pod I had retrieved from my jacket pocket, as I scrolled down my playlists.

He nodded, “Jessica sent it to me a few days ago.”

He’d known he was taking the role for a few days. Why hadn’t he told me?

Right. We didn’t really talk anymore, and I hadn’t had a lesson with him yet this week.

“Okay.”

“Alex-”

“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it.” I finally looked up at him, knowing where he was heading with just the look in his eyes.

We were sitting face to face, but there was this distance between my and my old friend that there had never been before. The worst thing was, it wasn’t down to either of us, neither of us was at any fault here.

“I don’t agree with what they did…”

“I know,” I nodded, “But they’re your family.”

“Sometimes I wish they weren’t,” The words were muttered, so quietly I almost missed them, but I didn’t. “I’m still mad at them, you know. You didn’t deserve that, any of it.”

Shoot. I was going to start crying at this rate. Lack of sleep was making me overly emotional.

“I know.”

There was a pause,

“I didn’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“You didn’t.” A sniffle, oh dear. Get yourself together. “I just needed space.”

“I get it.”

No, he really didn’t.

I had to reach up and wipe my cheek, “We should, we should, uh, sing it through or something, you know. Jessica will be mad if we haven’t got it sorted by next week.”

His voice was lighter as he replied, and the frown was lessened on his face, “Sure.”

The soft strumming of guitar chords filled the air from my phone, and I tried to smile a bit one time before looking down at the sheets. I didn’t need to read the lyrics or tune, and knowing Jason’s musical talents, neither did he.

He started singing right on cue, and he was almost perfect straight away. He had one of those voices that went well with a guitar, it was natural, raw, the kind that suited acoustic. It was the kind of voice you could listen to for hours.

It was no wonder Jessica had asked him to take the part. I don’t know how she convinced him though, as far as I was aware, Jason had never acted on stage before, let alone in a school production. She probably saw one of his videos online. He did them in his room, just him and his guitar, sometimes a piano, but he never made a big deal out of it – even if his original songs were just as good as his covers. I’d joined him in one or two, though I wasn’t a fan of the camera, it was nice to work together.

Hearing his voice now, it really reminded me how much I missed him and his denim jackets. And how much I missed this, singing with him. How much I missed my friend.

He glanced up as his verse came to an end and his eyes met mine, they read the same that mine did and we both almost smiled. Almost.

I opened my mouth, and the words came out fine. I sang in the octave above, obviously, but I had always liked how our voices sounded together. It felt natural, it felt normal. It was nice.

When our voices came together and harmonized as they should, it was right the first time. If I were with Riley, it surely would have taken multiple attempts to get it to par – but he couldn’t sing like Jason. He wouldn’t have spent the time learning the song before-hand like Jason had done, and he wouldn’t know how to match my voice like Jason did, nor would I have known how to match his.

To a stranger looking on the scene, with the nature of the song, our occasional eye contact that grew the more we sang, and the way our voices fitted together, this moment would have seemed intimate, maybe even romantic. But everything between Jason and I was completely platonic.

The whole thing was, well not awkward exactly, but not normal. Somewhere in the past half a year a good solid friendship had disintegrated into pieces until it was more of an acquaintance you wave at in the hallway. I didn’t want it to be like that, but it didn’t help that every time I looked at him I was just reminded of what _they_ did to me. I couldn’t quite get past that yet.

I wasn’t stuck on it anymore, not like I used to be. But I honestly liked Harvey, and I trusted him. I trusted Libby too though and look where it got me. I guess I just learned a valuable life lesson – people just let you down.

I’d be ready for the next time.

But I did miss Jason, miss this. It was the same way I missed Libby’s sunshine to my rain, the same way I missed Harvey’s endless supply of ‘cheer me up’ chocolate. But whilst, with the other two, the anger won over the sadness, there was no anger when it came to Jason. He didn’t do anything wrong. Our friendship had been collateral damage of someone else’s decision.

It just hurt. And that was hard to move past.

But I wanted to try, I had to try. It would never be the same, it could never be the same, but why should I let those two ruin another good thing in my life? Lord knows I didn’t have many right now.

***

I walked out of that room with lighter shoulders than I walked in with. Jason walked out next to me, in his signature denim jacket, his guitar (that we’d started using when we got bored of rehearsing and started jamming instead) strapped to his back, laughing and joking like friends should do. Because we were friends, and not even Harvey and Libby could ruin that.

The school was quiet, practically empty, and it was nice to walk next to him and know it wouldn’t be talked about the next day. Unfortunately, nearly everyone in the year knew about Harvey and I’s bust-up, mainly because he had a lot of friends and so did Libby. The last thing I needed was talk about it starting up again, it had only just died down.

Outside was chilly, and I wrapped my thin coat tighter around me. I’d worn it because it was so much more casual than my big winter one, but it didn’t provide nearly as much warmth.

“How are you getting home?” He asked, noticing how his car was basically the only one in the entire parking lot.

“Oh, I usually wait for Dad to pick me up,” I told him.

It often meant waiting in the cold and dark for a while, but that was alright. I couldn’t just expect Dad to be a taxi service because I wouldn’t step foot in a driver’s seat.

“I can give you a lift?” He uses the key to gesture towards his car, which to be honest looked much safer than the pile of rubbish Bella drove into school every day. It had been a while since I’d been in Jason’s car.

I was about to except when flashlights lit up the entrance of the lot and a new vehicle drove around the corner. I didn’t recognise it as it pulled up at the other end, but I did recognise the person who stepped out of it, their body lit up in a kind of orangey glow from the streetlamp above his head.

I didn’t even try to deny that my stomach fluttered a little alongside the surprise, even if I had no idea what was going on.

“Don’t worry about it,” I told Jason, unable to look at him, nor wipe away the smile that grew on my face as I saw him, “I think I already have one.”

With a raise of my hand in goodbye, I made my way across the parking lot and towards Paul Lahote.

“What are you doing here?” I asked when close enough, still smiling.

“I heard you might need a ride,” There was that smirk plastered across his face as he came closer to me. He was actually wearing a shirt today, which was a first, but only a shirt, even in the freezing cold.

“Umm yeah, but how did you know that?”

“I’m telepathic,”

I raised my eyebrow, and he sighed,

“I may have asked your Dad where you were.”

“My Dad?” I questioned, “When did you see him?”

“I kind of went to your house,” He admitted, running a hand through his hair, “You weren’t there and you’re Dad was called back into the station, so I offered to pick you up instead.”

“Oh, right, err, thanks.” I didn’t really know how to respond.

That was nice of him. Like, really nice of him. I wanted to ask why he was at my house in the first place, but my eyes were drawn to the car behind him.

I didn’t want to, but I instantly got nervous. It was practically falling apart.

I couldn’t say anything, no way, he had come out all this way to take me home. And I’m sure his car worked fine – Bella’s did – though his looked even worse than hers. Was it even legal? I kicked myself for thinking that, but I wasn’t judging him by his car, not at all, I didn’t care about any of that in the slightest. It was just… cars in general… and his…

“I’m a good driver, you know,”

It was almost like he could read my mind. I didn’t realise my reaction was so obvious.

But, thinking about it, even if it was, he probably would have thought I was looking down on his car and him, but what he said… it was as if he knew what I was actually unsure of. He remembered? But it was so long ago, and I’d barely mentioned it…

“I’m sure you are,” I answered quickly, instantly feeling completely awful, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” He was still smirking as he joked, “You should be grateful I didn’t bring the bike.”

I internally agreed. That would have been a lot worse. I smiled again, relieved he wasn’t offended. I didn’t know why he wasn’t, I would have been, even if I didn’t mean it in the way it appeared. “Come on,” He nodded his head towards the car, and I nodded.

Considering this was my first time with Paul driving, I should have been a lot more nervous than I was. Being a passenger to someone new was always one those things that made me anxious, an annoying and stupid habit that I couldn’t seem to shake. It was ridiculous and I knew that which is what made me even more annoyed with myself most of the time.

I opened the car door – it creaked slightly – and climbed inside. Paul got in next to me and when both doors were closed it was like the world instantly became a bit warmer. A shiver still passed through my body anyway though, not going unnoticed by the boy next to me.

He reached behind him, pulling something off the backseat. “Here,” He handed me a large jumper,

“I’m okay,”

“You’re cold, you should put it on,” He paused, “Please,”

It wasn’t bossy, not in the slightest. It was something else. He spoke with such intention, like he really wanted me to, that I found myself nodding and taking the hoodie from him with a small smile, quickly shrugging off my thin raincoat and pulling the giant garment on over the top of my woolly jumper – and even with that underneath it was still huge on me. But he was right, I was much warmer already, and the hoodie was incredibly comfy.

I smelt it as I tugged it over my head, reaching to pull my hair out from underneath the hood, and a familiar scent caught my nose. It took me second to place it. Wait, was this his hoodie?

I cursed myself a second afterwards. Of course, it was his hoodie stupid, it was in his truck and huge. Who else could it have belonged to? I curled my hands, clutching the edges of the sleeves in my palm, and bringing my arms over my body, liking the feel of the material.

Paul seemed happy to see me wearing it, the ever-constant smirk replaced with a gentle smile on his lips that I returned as I clicked my seatbelt in place. He did his too, and I tried not to jump when he turned the key in the ignition and the car jumped to life. Something made me feel as if he caught the flinch out of the corner of his eye, however, from the way his hand gripped the wheel a little tighter.

I tried to push down the nervousness in my stomach and look as casual and comfortable as possible. I was always nervous in vehicles, especially new ones. Paul wasn’t unique, he was the norm. For some reason I wanted him to know that. I looked out the window, to try and work on keeping a blank face, but soon realised we weren’t moving.

Paul was looking at me, and as seemingly always, my eyes immediately found his. They looked a little angry, but more frustrated? Or worried?

“You can trust me you know,” He whispered in such a quiet voice that I was suddenly pulled back into the feeling of comfort his words had brought me all those months ago.

“I know,” I replied, equally quietly.

His eyes were always so intense, I couldn’t have broken free from them, even if I wanted to. I was filled with this irresistible urge to move closer to him, which I pushed away forcibly.

“You can always trust me, Alex,” He said, leaning forward a little. “Always.”

I was surprised when his hand found my face, tenderly cupping the skin over my cheek, his palm radiating warmth. But I didn’t flinch, in fact, I had to fight the instinct to lean in closer. It felt nice.

Words seemed to abandon me in that second, and all I could do was nod breathlessly at him, eyes glued to his, and seeing nothing other truth and promise in his stare. I don’t know why he was saying what he said, but he made me believe it anyway, every single word. I had never met a person who sounded as sincere as Paul Lahote.

After a few moments, he slowly retracted his hand, almost reluctantly and placed it back on the wheel. I didn’t fail to notice how he kept both on the wheel the entire drive home, and how, apart from a couple of flickers of his eyes in my direction, his eyes were always on the road. In fact, he drove as if he were the safest driver in the entire world.

I couldn’t help feeling that that was for my benefit, and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. My heart warmed at the silent gesture, he really did care about my fear, he didn’t belittle or make a thing out of it, he just did what he could. It was the first time that someone had reacted in that way.

Even Dad was a little weird about driving me at first. People who over-compensated like Dad, or just plainly ignored that I was uncomfortable like Harvey, always made me feel worse. But Paul made me feel better. Without me even saying a word, he just did it right somehow.

I found myself relaxing into the ride, and as my posture became less tense, I swore I started to notice a little glimmer on his face, it was like he was happy that I was okay. It was strange, no one had ever really been like that before, no one had cared enough to care that much– if that makes sense.

Before I knew it, we were pulling up on my drive and the car came to a slow stop. I didn’t move straight away because I wanted to say something, I just didn’t know what it was I wanted to say.

“Thank you,” I settled for the quiet apology,

“You’re welcome,” He replied.

I swallowed. He really was attractive. Was I an idiot for what I was about to ask? Probably. But I was going to do it anyway, “Hey Paul…”

“Do you want to go out tomorrow?” He cut me off suddenly as if the words had burst from his mouth before he could stop them, “I mean,” He sighed, “Do you want to go out, with me, tomorrow?”

“Like a date?”

He nodded. Suddenly seeming very tense and nervous.

“I’m not free tomorrow.” It was true, tomorrow evening I was going to Embry’s.

Paul’s face seemed to fall for a second before his mask was back in place. A cold, stern look suddenly took over his features and it reminded so much of the look last night, the one he wore before he went back into his home. I didn’t like that look.

“But I can do Thursday,” I followed as quickly as I could, a smile on my face – I didn’t want him to think I was rejecting him for a second, “If that’s good for you.”

His grin returned, brighter than possibly ever before. His face managed to change in a second, it was startling how his mood shifted, but I like this face much more.

“Yeah,” He nodded, swallowing, “I can do Thursday,”

“Great,” My face was probably scarlet right now, thank goodness it was dark, “Text me?”

“Of course.”

I was still grinning when I slid my key into the house lock and opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it, it's a bit of a long one. 
> 
> How cute are Paul and Alex together? Do we like Jason? And what about Harvey and Libby, do you think there's hope for them and Alex too? Or will their actions threaten the fragile state of Alex and Jason's mending relationship? I'm really interested in hearing what you think is going to happen, and I know I always say this but, your comments are all so lovely to hear so don't be shy! It makes me feel really good to hear what people have to say xx


	12. Part Two- VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'It hurts. It hurts a lot. But I'll keep it to myself so it doesn't hurt anyone else.'

The silence and lack of TV told me the place empty of Dad. He was usually home by this point on a Monday, but his cruiser was missing from the drive and the house lights were off. Wait? Didn’t Paul say he was called back into work? Of course, that was why he even gave me a lift in the first place. I was still buzzing over the prospect of what just happened, every other logical part of me just seemed to fly out the window.

Did he really just ask me out? Did I really have a date, tomorrow, with Paul? I’m sure my face was still scarlet, and I had this giddy jumpiness in my step that proved that I wasn’t imagining the whole thing. That actually just happened.

I didn’t call out for Bella, she wouldn’t have replied. She probably heard the door close anyway. Every night, after we arrived home from school, she would just go straight to her room and spend her evenings sitting on her dilapidated armchair or spend her time blankly staring at her computer screen. I didn’t know if Dad told Bella where he was going, or if she was home before he was called back in, but I assumed he was, and therefore also assumed the note from Dad explaining what had happened was meant for me. It was on the kitchen counter when I threw my rucksack onto the table and only confirmed what I already knew.

Still, it didn’t stop the pit dropping in my stomach when I turned the stutter radio and an old crackly voice read out about the latest death, discovered only three hours ago by some hikers, bordering Forks. They seemed to just be getting closer, whatever was killing these people – it was coming this way. The bundle of happiness that I felt just moments ago was wiped away by the unsettling sense of dread. Dad was good at his job, I knew he was, but that would never stop me worrying. They’d catch whatever animal it was – but it didn’t mean I liked the fact that he was out there, all hours of the night, stalking after a mass-murdering predator. He wasn’t getting enough sleep as it was. I turned the radio off quickly.

And all those people…

All those innocent people, with families, loved ones… I knew how it felt for someone to be suddenly ripped away, to not get the chance to say goodbye, to not even remember the last conversation you had where you told them you loved them…

It was all too hauntingly familiar.

Suddenly a date seemed like the most trivial thing in the world.

The house had never felt so empty.

I sat down on the couch and switched on the TV, but five minutes later, turned it off. I retrieved my bag from the kitchen and pulled out my geometry homework, only to throw in a pile on the floor again. I checked my phone, twice, but there was nothing from Dad at all.

Of course, me being me, I only spiralled into a more and more anxious state as I sat and waited. I needed to distract myself, but nothing seemed to work. It wasn’t anything new, waiting for Dad to come home from a hunt, but even I wasn’t usually this fidgety. My hands kept twitching at my sides and I had to I tuck my legs under me to stop them quaking too. I could get my guitar out, but I wasn’t exactly in the right mind for playing. I could draw, but then I’d end up doodling and that always led to thinking. I was thinking too much right now.

The perfect thing to do would be to put some dinner on, but this was me we were talking about, and so I’d probably just end up burning the house down when I got distracted by my own head again. I hated feeling useless.

Momentarily, the thought of checking on Bella passed my mind, but it disappeared as soon as it came. What could I do? Sit and talk to her with barely a word in return? She didn’t want me around, that much was clear. I could probably count the number of times we’d properly talked this last month on two hands.

She wasn’t well, but we didn’t know what to do. She’d refused to talk to us, she’d refused to talk to her friends, she refused to even talk about going to some kind of therapy. It was almost like she didn’t want to get better; she didn’t even want to try. I was out of options.

My mind instantly drifted to Paul. Part of me wished he was here right now. Talking to him seemed easy, I didn’t have to think too much, I didn’t have to worry because he made me forget about all that. Despite everything, a small amount of excitement bubbled at the thought of our date.

It was like a constant tug of war in my head. It felt almost like I shouldn’t be trying to be happy with everything going on. It wasn’t just the Bella situation… people were dying. Forks seemed to be becoming darker and darker around every corner, and here I was playing happy-clappy with some guy I barely knew.

It didn’t feel like I barely knew him though.

I got my phone out again but then put it away. He had a life outside of me, I couldn’t just bother him with no reason. And he was probably driving, so calling was a definite no.

Slumping down, I leant my head against the cushions and let out a comically loud sigh. I needed something to shut me off from thinking about everything, about Paul, but ironically the thing that stopped me thinking _was_ Paul, which just lead to me thinking about him.

It was an inescapable and endless cycle of thoughts about a brown-eyed boy.

***

I must have fallen asleep where I sat because the next thing I was aware of was lights passing through the window blinds.

My neck creaked as I sat up straight, a yawn passing through my lips. Dad was home.

I didn’t know how long it had been, but it was pitch black outside now. I got to my feet and padded towards the door, grabbing a cardigan from the bannister and wrapping it around me as I went. When I opened the door I was met with the bitter chill of the air, and the sight of my father climbing out of the cruiser ever so slowly.

I didn’t need to see the face under the moustache to know he was exhausted. His body language was enough, shoulders hunched, and head dropped low. He tried to smile as I widened the door for him, but it was more like an empty grimace that did nothing to hide the lines under his eyes or the weariness they held.

He went straight to the couch and fell on it with a sigh, hand reaching up to rub in between his furrowed brow before setting his forearms on his thighs and dropping his head down low. It was the posture of a man too tired to carry on.

I lingered softly in the doorway, watching my father and feeling so utterly and stupidly useless.

“I’ll put some tea on,” Was the best thing I could suggest.

Dad rose his head up just enough to send me a comforting look and a small, muttered thanks. He was always comforting Bella, comforting me, who was there for him in all this?

I tried to be, but I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t be there for him when he was so busy trying to make sure I was okay and hiding me from all of his hurt. He thought it was best if I didn’t see him struggling too, like that way I wouldn’t worry more. Little did he know, me seeing him fall apart piece by piece was far worse than anything else.

I thought about it as I boiled the pasta, something I could manage without a culinary disaster. Perhaps me and dad what too alike in that way – I hated other people worrying about me too. It felt wrong, like my trivial concerns shouldn’t be taking up any of their time. After all, they were my problems and therefore I should be the one to deal with them. Only, I wasn’t as good at hiding my issues from others as he was. I bet, at the station, no one could even tell that there was something wrong at home.

As an adult, I was sure I would be living off tomato pasta for the rest of my life, as it was literally the only thing I knew how to cook. Mum had taught me once when I was about ten, when one day I decided that my life ambition was to be a chef. I have no idea why, I guess it was one of those kid things. Anyway, I quickly changed my mind after one lesson in the kitchen and a sliced finger, but a decent tomato pasta recipe has stayed in my mind ever since.

I looked out the window as I plated up, expecting that I would have to take Bella’s up to her. But, when I entered the lounge, I was pleasantly surprised to see both her and dad sitting on the couch. They were at opposite ends, neither speaking and both of them had their eyes on the TV screen without actually paying attention to what was on it, but they were both there.

Dad muttered thanks as I handed him his meal, and Bella sent me a look close enough to thankful as I gave her hers. Clambering onto the other armchair and tucking my legs underneath me, I started on my own plateful, not quite realising how hungry I actually was until I started eating.

The entire meal was silence, but all three of us were here, so I was more content than I wanted to let on. For a moment I thought maybe this was the start of something. After all, it was the first time Bella had eaten with us in weeks, but the second she finished, her plate was on the table and she had left the room again without mumbling a word. My heart sank just like that.

With a sigh, I got up myself. Dad barely moved, except to finish his food slowly, almost as if he was tasting nothing at all, but I could see his eyes flicker to his eldest daughter as she left, and the hurt that was concealed inside of them. I gathered the plates, rather more quickly than I put them down and went straight into the kitchen, trying to hide the catches in my breath.

The crockery clanged against the wooden worktop, but I didn’t really notice. Staring into the window, my own reflection stared straight back at me, a tear escaping down her cheek. Sniffing, I swiftly wiped it away with the back of my hand and got to work washing the dishes, even if to just distract me for a little. But tears still kept leaking from my eyes and running trails down my cheeks, and soon I stopped catching them fall.

A flash of something outside caught my attention, but it was so fast I couldn’t make out what animal it was moving through the trees. A deer, most likely, there were still loads out, even though if I were them, I would be hiding from the cold.

The way the light reflected on the glass, made it impossible for me to hide from my reflection though, and I couldn’t escape how red my eyes had become, how clumped together my lashes were and the blotchiness now covering my skin.

I looked a mess. A tired, sad, worried mess.

And I was, both inside and out.

The forest outside shifted again, a flash of greyish brown this time actually visible through the trees. Too large to be a doe, perhaps a stag then. It didn’t matter really; I was just curious. We didn’t often get animals up this close to the house. Well, except the occasional rabbit. Whatever it was, I hoped it stayed safe, with whatever grizzly beast was lurking in the shadows these days, I’m sure it wasn’t just humans that had fallen prey.

Dad said it was probably a bear, but I had my doubts about that. It would have to be a lot of bears to do this much damage.

I moved away from the window, drying my hands on a nearby tea towel. Despite my nap, I could still fall asleep where I stood, so I decided it was best to go to bed early and try and get a few hours rest before Bella started up again.

I went to wish Dad goodnight, but I stopped in the doorway.

He was lying down on the couch, head half propped up by a cushion, eyes closed and small snores leaving his mouth.

Silently, I moved through the room. Drawing the blinds, turning off the lamp, and grabbing the blanket, throwing it over him, before closing the door shut behind me as quietly as I could. Maybe Bella’s screams wouldn’t be so loud down here.

***

I was half asleep myself as I dragged myself out of my clothes and into PJs, not bothering to brush my tangled mess of hair, it wouldn’t make much difference at this point anyway. A quick brush of the teeth and I was turning the light out in the hall and heading towards the inviting covers of my own bed.

Just before I climbed in though, a buzz resonated through the air, coming from where my phone was resting on top of my dresser. Despite everything, my heart fluttered at the message.

**_Goodnight xx_ **

This time I let myself fall asleep surrounded by thoughts of the brown-eyed boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Alex! The issues in her life never seem far away, do they? 
> 
> Bit of a short chapter here, things pick up again in the next one. I hope you all enjoyed it and got a little more of an insight into her mind, she's definitely an empathiser and over-thinker, and I can certainly relate to that, but I hope some of you can too. xx


	13. Part Two- VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Why do you like him?'  
> 'I don't know. He's just... I don't know.'

“Do you think magic exists?”

Embry’s question floated out of the middle of nowhere, as we lay on his couch sharing a blanket, and a bowl of popcorn is discarded emptily to the side. We were both kind of slouched, slumped more like, and at some point, when I started to slip off to sleep my head found its way onto his shoulder and sort of just stayed there. Embry had a textbook haphazardly balanced on the arm of the sofa, and a notebook on his leg, twisting a pen around in his fingers and staring at it. There were only about three sentences actually written on the page, so it was clear to see our study session hadn’t been too productive.

He glanced up at me as he spoke after a while of comfortable silence as we both got lost in the vaguely forgettable characters buzzing around on his TV. We would be in his bedroom, where there was more space on his bed for both of us to sit, but his mum didn’t allow girls in his room.

“Seriously dude?” I raised an eyebrow at him,

“What?”

“It’s saying something if it’s only Wednesday and you’ve already reached the point of existential crisis,”

“…. I’m not having a crisis,”

“You don’t sound too sure about that.”

He flings a pillow at me in response,

“Just answer the damn question!”

“Okay, okay!” I chuckled, batting the cushion away and pushing the knotted hair back out of my face, giving my friend a gentle shove whilst I was at it. “I mean, I don’t know. I guess if there was some kind of thing like that, someone would probably have discovered it by now, don’t you think?”

He had a surprisingly contemplative look on his face considering the question, one that I almost found hard not to chuckle at. “Why are you asking anyway? the movie’s about zombies, not wizards.”

I gestured my head back to where the mediocre film had almost all been forgotten; the main girl’s best friend had just been eaten, ticking another box on the list of cliché and predictable movie plots. We all already knew how the film was going to end, it almost wasn’t worth watching.

“I’ve got to go to this stupid bonfire next week, down on First Beach.” Embry sighed, slumping down further, “It’s a thing the tribe does, where we have to sit around and listen to Billy rant on about the legends and stuff.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound too bad,” I mused, reaching for my now cold mug of hot chocolate,

“Except everyone acts like it’s all bloody true,” Embry scoffs a little, “As if what we’re listening to isn’t complete utter bull-”

“Are you allowed to talk about your culture like that?”

“Well, it is _my_ culture,”

“Fair point,”

“It’s just gonna suck. They all speak about it like it’s one big mystery that none of us are being let in on, rather than what it actually is, a load of stories about men turning into wolves as a metaphor for their bravery against white invaders, you know?”

Sometimes it shocked me when Embry came out with all this intellectual schpeel, I often forgot how clever the guy actually was because of all the stupid stuff he spewed alongside it, “I’d rather be watching movies with you.”

“Wouldn’t anyone?” I received another pillow in the face for that comment.

Getting to my feet, I brushed the blanket off my body and on top of Embry, who just gathered it around himself and planted his face in it. “And whilst I would love to sit here and coax you through your self-pity about having a history to be proud of, I’m still hungry… more popcorn?”

I received a thumbs up from the boy, whose head was still buried in blankets like a bird’s in the sand.

Heading towards the kitchen, I tipped the rest of the kerns into a bowl and threw it into the microwave. Embry’s entire house was tiny, but very clean and well looked after. I wouldn’t expect anything less, considering the kind of woman his mum was. The kitchen was one of five rooms in the house, with about a metre squared space to move around in, and it was the same in the living room. Embry’s room was at the back, next to the bathroom and his mum’s was the other side of that.

“Anyway,” I called out towards the sitting room, “Jake and Quil will be there right?”

“But they’re assholes!” Embry yelled back as the microwave beeped three times,

“Of course they are,” I chuckled as I brought the bowl with me through the door and jumped back onto the sofa, accidentally spilling a few precious pieces of popcorn along the way, “You’ve been best mates with them for years. If you haven’t realised that by now, something’s very wrong.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever,” He rolled his eyes playfully, “Jake’ll probably just spend the entire time having a glaring match with Sam anyway,”

“Sam Uley’s gonna be there?”

“He and both his disciples,” His tone becomes slightly less friendly, “They never bothered coming before they started following him about like puppies – hell I don’t think I ever saw Lahote doing anything to do with the tribe before he hit up the steroids,”

I couldn’t help my ears prick up at the sound of Paul’s name.

“They’re not doing drugs Embry,”

“How do you know that?”

“Because, if they were, surely the tribe elders would have something to say about it? And doesn’t like, everyone, love Sam?”

“Well, he’s doing something to them!” Embry protested, “Seriously it’s creepy. They miss school for a while and suddenly they come back all buff and angry, always running off to do who knows what. I mean, they act like they own the place now! You saw how they were that day on the beach, Sam practically ordered me to just leave you with them,”

“Thanks for that by the way," I said, "It wasn’t weird at all, waking up in a stranger’s house.”

In reality, it had only struck me how odd the entire event had been the next day. Embry probably shouldn’t have let Sam send him home, but then again, I couldn’t be mad because I didn’t actually mind. I trusted Sam after how he helped Bella, and he knew my Dad anyway. And Paul, well, I don’t exactly know why I trusted Paul, I just did.

“I’ve said I’m sorry,”

“I know,” I ruffled his hair as his head found it’s way onto my lap, not yet risen from the depths of the blanket properly, “And I’m fine about it because unlike you, I don’t think they’re running a secret underground drug gang.”

“Hall monitors on steroids,” He grumbled, and I couldn’t help the little laugh that flew from my lips. He sounded like a sulky little kid.

Well, here goes nothing.

It may have been better to just lie about tomorrow, but I had a feeling – a hopeful one probably – that it wasn’t going to be the only time that I went out with Paul if all went well. The longer I hid us from Embry the worse it would be when I eventually would have to tell him – that is if anything was going on between Paul and me.

I knew Embry didn’t like the guy, and perhaps that should have been ringing warning bells in my head, but it wasn’t. From what I had seen, I really liked him, and Paul had shown me nothing to prove that I should feel otherwise.

“Hey, Em?”

“Hmm?” He just hummed in response, his eyes back on the TV screen, clearly trying to pick on in the minutes of film he’d just missed, “About Paul… I’ve been talking to him.”

“Talking how?” He suddenly picked his head up, backing away so he could look at me properly. It worried me how sombre he’d become so quickly,

“We’re going on a date… tomorrow,”

“A date?” He paused for a second, “Like a date-date?”

“Yes, a date-date,”

“ _Why_?”

“Well,” I wasn’t sure how to approach that one, “We’ve been talking since that day on the beach,”

“So you’ve been talking to him for _four_ days?” He looked at me disbelievingly, “And suddenly you’re going out.”

“You sound just like Lucy,” I groaned quietly.

At school, I’d been a complete interrogation by the girls about Paul, who I hadn’t mentioned to them before, and therefore clearly somehow didn’t know well enough to go on a date at all. Talking to them, it was as if I was meeting up with a total stranger rather than a real person that I knew and had spent multiple hours with him in total. It was infuriating.

Eventually, I had gained their blessing, though I wasn’t sure why I needed it. It wasn’t as if I was not going to go, just because they thought I was moving too fast. I’d promised to text Lucy when he came to pick me up, and when I got home, to stop my slightly stressy friend from panicking that I had been kidnapped and murdered. Thank goodness I hadn’t told her about the night we had really met and how everything had gone down, I think I would have given her a heart attack.

With a promise not to do anything rash, they did agree that if I was happy, then they were too. Though, that was almost worse, as they immediately plundered into a list of dos and don’ts for first dates – especially seeing as my first ‘real’ date with Harvey was a double date with some other friends, so it was more of a group thing. Not that I wanted anything with Paul to even vaguely resemble anything to do with Harvey.

“Do you like him?”

“I do,”

It was the first time I’d admitted it out loud, even though it was pretty obvious. I was like a kid with a schoolgirl crush, and that had never happened before. It wasn’t just how he looked, though he was very nice to look at, he made my stomach do fluttery things and my skin tingle in ways no one ever had. I did like him, I liked him a lot.

“You don’t know him the way I do,”

“I know him enough,”

Both of us are quieter now, more serious. Embry was hardly ever serious.

“Seriously Al, the guy has problems.”

“And I don’t?”

That wasn’t meant to sting the way I was sure it did. Embry's eyes flickered with shock before he shook his head,

“It’s not the same. He gets into fights and stuff all the time at school, he’s been suspended like, what? Twice already this year? If it wasn’t for the fact he’s in Sam’s gang he would have been kicked out for sure.”

“They’re not a gang,” I shut him down, “And I don’t care about that.”

In fact, I kind of did. It was the first time I was hearing any of this, and I knew he had anger issues from when I had to patch up his hands, but it was that bad? For some reason though, even if it shocked me, it didn’t make me change my mind for a second.

“Well, you should,” Embry said, “He’s not a nice guy.”

“You don’t know that” My voice is so much quieter than I intended as I insist my case.

“You don’t know that he’s not.”

I shake my head. Normally this would be enough to change my mind, to make me let go. I trusted Embry’s judgement with so many things, but something inside me was screaming that he was so wrong about Paul. Around me, he had never appeared anything but kind, more than that even, he had been so, so gentle, and when his hand had cupped my jaw…

Embry had to be wrong. He had to be.

The world honestly couldn’t be that cruel.

“You’re wrong.”

Embry got to his feet and started to walk away from me. I didn’t know where he was going, we were in his house, it wasn’t like he could leave exactly. He shook his head and rubbed his jaw like he was trying to think. Like he was trying to come up with something, anything he could say to make me change my mind. But I didn’t want him to, I really didn’t want him to. “Embry please…”

“I just – I don’t get it okay?!” He turned around as his voice raised, but more by hurt than anything else. “You know you’re not the only one, right? Ever since he came back, all the girls at school…” He sniffed, “I just thought you were better than that.”

“I don’t like him just because of how he _looks_ , Embry.”

My tone is clipped, sharp. I thought he knew me better than that. "I'm not that shallow."

And I think Embry sees it, how close he is to crossing a line. The anger drops from his face quickly, and he looks back up to me, asking in a quiet voice,

“Then why do you like him?”

“I don’t know. He’s just… I don’t know.”

And honestly, I didn’t. It wasn’t just his brown eyes, or his bronzed skin, or that constant smirk. Everyone would find those things pretty. Everyone would like them. I did, but that wasn’t all that I liked. I liked the way that he always seemed to know what I was feeling, even if I didn’t know myself. I liked the way that he talked to me as if he wanted nothing more than to be heard and listened to. I liked the way his hand felt when it touched my cheek. I liked the way I felt like I could breathe. I liked the way I forgot. I liked that I trusted him already – even if I felt I shouldn’t.

By this point, I should know not to trust as easily. But with Paul, I couldn’t help it.

“But I like him, Embry, I really do.”

Embry didn’t say anything for a few moments, and my breath was caught in my throat. I wanted him to be okay with it. I needed him to be okay with it. He was my best friend.

But then a thought struck me, and it was a thought I didn’t like one bit. We hadn’t ever really talked about that night, we’d kind of just moved one without ever discussing it. I thought it was because he realised that he didn’t… what if I was wrong.

“Don’t,” He suddenly cut off my thought process, “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m some wounded puppy that you kicked,” He shook his head, “I know what you’re thinking okay? And you’re wrong. I worked it out, I don’t… I don’t have feelings for you.”

Was it really that obvious on my face? I felt a little bit guilty for thinking it and relieved at the same time. I knew when Embry was lying to me and right now, however awkward the words were to say, they needed to be heard, and they were true.

“You’re my friend,” He said, “And I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

And then he was hugging me.

Embry’s arms wrapped around my body and I instantly melted into them, relief filling every inch of my body. “And I’m sorry for that stupid kiss ever making you think any different. That’s the last time I listen to Quil and Jake huh?”

“I already told you, something’s gone wrong if you’re only working out now that your best friends are idiots.”

“ _You’re_ my best friend.” He told me, “And the second Lahote does something wrong, I’ll kill him for you.”

“What, you and all 180 cm of skin and bone?” I murmured into his shoulder, a smile spreading back across my face.

“Exactly,” He replied, even though I knew Embry was the least violent person on the planet, “He doesn’t stand a chance.”

“He won’t hurt me,” I replied confidently, “It’s only one date.”

Only one date. That’s all it was.

But then why did it feel like so much more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is not the chapter you've been waiting for! Next time is date night I promise, get ready for some cuteness!
> 
> I felt this chapter was equally important in different ways though. Alex and Embry's friendship is so precious and, of course, he would have thoughts about Alex going out with Paul. They never really talked about what happened in the forest, do we believe what he said?
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it. Don't hesitate to leave kudos or comments if you liked it, or equally if you have some constructive criticism, I take it all on board! 
> 
> xx


	14. Part Two- VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I just want a day where it feels like I'm not falling apart anymore.'

“I don’t know where we’re going, he just said to dress warm…” I called out to the phone that was discarded on my bed, speaking loud enough for Lucy to hear me from where I stood, emersed in my wardrobe.

“Well that’s helpful,” Came back a muffled voice.

I couldn’t help but let out a small groan of frustration at the girl on the device, even if she wasn’t actually here to witness it. Lucy was actually lying on her own bed, helping me over her cell rather than doing her geometry homework. For some reason, she still thought I was going to end up in a ditch on the side of the road but had given up with telling me that when she realised, I was calling her for fashion advice, rather than backtracking on my decision. She was like my very own not-quite-so-good Alice Cullen when it came to clothing advice.

My curtains were drawn closed, locking in the yellow light from the lampshade in my room. The door was closed too, to a giant mess of clothes, covering the bed, desk and drawers. Before I’d texted, I was in nowhere near the state I was in now about what to wear, it was only after Lucy rang me back that I fell into the depths of a situation I felt I may never return from.

“Does it really matter what I wear anyway? It’s going to be covered by a coat,”

“A coat? Why a coat?” She whined,

“Because it’s, like, super cold outside and I’m not about to catch flu just for the sake of showing off to a guy!” I called out to her, pulling the top we’d finally settled on back over my head and studying myself in the mirror.

“But you’ll cover up all my hard work!”

“Would rather me look fabulous or die of hypothermia?”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that,”

“Ha-ha,” I replied dryly, “Very funny.”

Annoyingly, I had to admit she was right. This top did look really good and the long sleeves were practical enough for me. I struggled with the concept of so-called fashionable clothing, substance over style was never really my – well style. The neckline was round, but also kind of square – I was sure there was some fancy name for it, but I didn’t care about what it was. It was a blue colour, plain and simple, but complimented my pale skin and even sort of matched my eyes and made them look a little less grey.

I’d even gone as far as using a bit of concealer to hide the ever-present circles under my eyes and swiped a little mascara on my lashes too. I looked more alive than I had in a while. I hadn’t dressed up since my last party and that had been quite some time. I was normally too tired to make it out late.

Paired with some skinny black jeans, my naturally slightly curly hair and an actual smile present of my face, I looked good and I felt good.

“Should I put a necklace on?”

“Maybe, have a look and see.”

I briefly browsed through my jewellery stand, but nothing struck me. Most of my jewellery was actually mom’s, but our style was quite different when it came to accessories and anyway, wearing her stuff felt wrong. I felt too much like her. I didn’t want to be my mom, I wanted to be the person she had hoped I would grow to be, I wanted to be myself. Wearing her jewellery just seemed to feel… wrong.

I had a couple of other trinket silver chains with little pendants and stuff, presents from over the years from friends etcetera, but they would just get annoying, so I settled for going without. Just in time as well, as lights suddenly flashed through the gaps in my curtains, passing through the room like a drifting spotlight.

The giddy feeling returned in my stomach; he must be here.

“That’s him,” I picked up the phone, bringing it back to my ear, “I’ve got to go, but thanks for all your help Luce,”

“Anytime,” Her voice replied, “And text me when you get home!”

“Will do,” I sighed for the hundredth time, but in reality, I didn’t mind her nagging, it was filling a space.

I couldn’t help but think that this was the sort of thing that someone else should be doing.

And that someone should be Bella.

I knew Bella was allergic to clothes and probably wouldn’t have the faintest clue about what I should or should not wear, but wasn’t that what older sisters were meant to do? Help their little sisters get ready for dates and chat about mindless stuff whilst sitting cross-legged in piles of fabric on the floor?

I could practically imagine her sitting there now. She would say I looked great in anything, not because it was true necessarily, but more because she honestly wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between me wearing a ball gown or a trash bag. But she’d make me feel good regardless because that was the person she was – well two months ago anyway.

How could one-person ruin someone that much? How could one person tear away everything that made a girl who she was within the blink of an eye? My eyes instantly drifted to the closed door, one of two separating us from each other. What was Bella doing now? Sitting? Staring? Thinking? Lost in whatever had happened to her? I just wanted her to talk to me.

I wanted to tell her that I was going out with Paul, and how I really think I liked him and how excited and nervous I was. But how could I go in there and rant about the great things in my life when she was suffering? How can I talk about my happiness when she had none? When the person she cared about had hurt her – maybe in ways that I couldn’t bear to think about. When he took everything for her, I couldn’t just walk in there and expect her to be happy for me.

But I couldn’t stand watching her like this.

And I hated that a selfish part of me wasn’t willing to share her pain anymore. A selfish part of me screamed, what about _my_ right to be happy? What about _me_? Hadn’t I been through enough to deserve this, this one thing, even if it was only for one night?

What Harvey had done, that had hurt. But I had been hurt before and hurt worse than anything he could’ve done to me, so it changed nothing. At least, that’s what I told myself. I hadn’t locked up my heart, I was going on this date after all. And I was only sixteen, everyone went through supposed ‘love issues’ in high school, then everyone recounts how stupid they were when they get older. That's just the way it was.

Maybe I should have been warier, more distrusting. I already knew I cared too much and too easily, but I couldn’t help it, even if I knew it would end badly. I’d just accepted that by now.

I would get hurt, over and over again until one day, I would break.

But I wasn’t broken yet.

“Bye,” I ended the call, shoving my phone into my back-jean pocket before heading out the door.

I glanced back one more time at the mess I had made of my room, resigned to cleaning it up when I got back, but something caught my eye before I could close my door.

Paul’s hoodie.

I still had it.

For a very short second, I thought of throwing it on but quickly shook that away. I’m not sure how that message would have been received, he did only loan it to me after all. Still grabbing it though, I quickly ran down the stairs and pulled on my boots.

Coat on, keys grabbed from the bowl, I opened the door to an empty driveway. It obviously wasn’t Paul’s headlights I saw through the blinds, just someone else passing. I closed the door again, to not let the cold air in too much.

Because I was ready and had nothing else to do, I grabbed myself a glass of water and sunk onto the couch, switching the TV on. He’d be here soon.

At least, that’s what I told myself for the next ten minutes… and the next.

I kept glancing at the clock on the wall as the minute-hand moved slowly, but somehow managed to move from the eleven to the twelve, then to the two, and then to the four.

At that point I texted him, just to check I’d got the time right. I was sure I had, we said six, right? Maybe I was wrong…

But I knew I wasn’t.

At half-past, I moved to the stairs. He was late, but that was okay. I could forgive being late, I mean, I was often late to things myself. As long as he arrived soon, it would be fine.

He didn’t.

I texted again five minutes later.

By six forty-five I was sitting outside. I still had my phone in my hand, twisting it around in my fingers, as I stared at the very empty road in front of me. The sun had dipped behind the trees in the time I had been waiting, it’s now orangey glow silhouetted the forest in front of me, making the sky a sort of watercolour gradient of blues and yellows. It would be quite pretty if I was in the mood.

Forty-five minutes late. There was still a chance he was coming right? He may just be late, really, really late…

Who was I kidding?

Hastily wiping a tear away from my face, but actually only managing to smudge the salty water all over my cheek instead, I brought my knees up to my chest where I was sitting and continued staring at nothing. Nothing and no-one.

He wasn’t coming. So why was I still sitting here? Because I was pathetic, that’s why. Because I was a stupid, pathetic, teenage girl with a stupid pathetic crush on a guy that couldn’t even be bothered to text, that’s why.

And I hated myself for it because I knew I wasn’t going to move. I knew I was going to sit here well into the night, just waiting for a car that wasn’t going to come.

I was still holding his damn hoodie.

I was such an idiot.

***

Dad’s cruiser pulled in at quarter to eight, and I was still sat there. I couldn’t help my eyes flickering up in hope when I saw the headlights, only to drop again in realisation. I was cold now, and it was dark. My coat was wrapped tighter around my body, hands crossed under my armpits, and the tears had stopped falling now. I was just left feeling exhausted and stupid and hurt.

“You alright kiddo?” Dad was obviously confused as he climbed out, closing the car door shut behind him, “I thought tonight was, you know, uh, big date night?”

“So did I.” I could barely bring myself to mumble the response.

For the past hour, thought after thought had been rushing about my head, and I couldn’t seem to escape them. I just couldn’t get it. He was so nice to me, and he made me feel… he made me feel something new, something I hadn’t felt before, not ever. And what was it to him, so sort of sick joke? I mean, I knew he and Embry didn’t get along… what if I didn’t know the full extent of their dislike for each other, what if they truly hated each other? What if it was so much that he would set me up just to get back at him…

It was a crazy thought, I knew. Even if Paul and Embry were mortal enemies, what teenage boy could possibly be bothered to do something that requires so much effort to just embarrass someone?

But the other idea was almost worse. The idea that maybe he just didn’t care at all, maybe I didn’t even mean enough to bother remembering. That’s what hurt the most… because I thought I meant something to him… If he'd cared at all he would have at least texted.

Humiliated. That was the word. I felt humiliated.

I must have looked it too because Dad immediately caught on and let out a sigh that was audible even from metres away. This was probably the last thing he needed right now, after a long day at work, still no closer to finding out what that thing was killing people. He didn’t need to come home and find one of his daughters in pieces on the doorstep.

He sat down next to me on the step and sighed again,

“He may just be late Al,”

“Late would have been twenty minutes, not nearly two hours.”

I nearly spat the words, before I realised, I was giving up. Screw this, screw him, screw Paul Lahote and all these stupid, messed up feelings. What I thought earlier, about not being broken yet. Well, there was the reason for it. Because although I was angry, although I was damn furious and hurt and tired and pissed off… I wasn’t surprised.

"It's nothing that hasn't happened before."

I could never break as long as I knew the pain was coming. I was just stupid enough to walk into it blindly anyway, every single time.

***

I wasn’t even asleep by the time Bella screamed that night. I had a major headache, probably because I was dehydrated, and my entire body felt exhausted to the bone, but every time I closed my eyes I couldn’t help but think of Paul. And then I got angry, and then I got sad, and then I started crying again and only made my headache worse.

It was awful to say, but hearing Bella yell out was like a sudden break from my thought downward spiral and almost welcomed. I got straight up, out of bed, knowing Dad wouldn’t bother when he heard me. He was asleep on the sofa again, so he’d hear the creaking of the floorboards from upstairs. Or he’d be so deep in sleep he wouldn’t hear Bella at all. I hoped it was the second option, he could do with one night interrupted.

I threw on the dressing gown that was hanging on the back of my door, wrapping it around me as I made my way to Bella’s room.

She was jerking around, fisting the fabric of her sheets tightly and, like always, was calling out undecipherable things, face contorted in pain.

“Hey Bella, Bella… hey,” I got down on my knees by her bed, shaking her out of her fitful sleep, “Bella, wake up! It’s just a dream,”

Her eyes frantically opened and she jolted awake with a gasp, eyes flying frantically about, and moving her hands to clutch on my arm instead. My heart broke at the sight of the bags under her eyes, and emptiness inside of them. There was nothing of my sister there.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re safe, you’re…” My head fell against her arm for a second as I took a deep breath, “You’re okay,”

But she wasn’t and I knew she wasn’t. Even after she calmed down I couldn’t bear to leave her and go back to my own room. So I sat on her bed with her as she tried to get back to sleep.

As I ran my hand through her unkempt and knotted brown hair, her face buried in my side and hidden, I couldn’t help my thoughts slipping back to Paul and I hated it, I hated it. Because nothing he did could even compare to what happened to Bella, and yet I couldn’t help feel sorry for myself sitting here whilst she struggled. I could help but bask in self-pity that I had been stood up by the guy I liked. So what? My sister was in pain and I thought I could just ignore it. I swear to God if I ever see that Edward’s face again I would punch him so hard his perfectly sculpted face was be ruined forever.

“What did he do to you?” I couldn’t help whisper into the darkness of her bedroom, “What did he do to make you like this?”

I wasn’t expecting an answer.

When it came, it was so quiet I almost thought I imagined it.

But it was there, a whisper spoken into the fabric of my shirt, said so quietly it could have been missed, but I heard it and suddenly it was as if she had screamed it in my ear.

“He left.”

I stopped.

I waited for her to say something else, or say it again, but there was nothing. That was it.

And I couldn’t believe it.

“He left?” I repeated back to her, unable to stop myself pulling away, voice still quiet “W-what do you mean he left?”

She didn't answer, eyes dropping, "Bella, what do you mean _he left_?"

I was louder this time, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t believe my own ears.

No, there was more. There had to be more.

But she looked up at me again and I knew that wasn’t the case.

Bella Swan, my older sister, had become comatose for two months, hidden in her room, barely spoken a word, barely eaten a thing, woke up every night screaming in fits of agony… because he left.

“Oh my God,” I got to my feet, “No, no, tell me there’s more, tell me that all this hasn’t just been because… because Edward left you?!”

She visibly flinched when I said his name. Or maybe it was the volume with which I cried it, or maybe both.

"You can't be serious!" I was yelling now, "It's been months Bella! Months! You can't... Just say there is more," Everything went quiet as I pleaded with the blank girl in front of me, wanting - needing anything other than the blatant truth staring me in the face, "Say something, anything.... _please_."

I could hear Dad hurrying up the stairs, but I was done, I was so done. I wanted to say more, but I couldn’t find the words, just holding my hands up in surrender as I scoffed at the girl staring at me from her bed. I couldn’t, I couldn’t believe it. And I couldn’t do it anymore, not if, not if that was the reason.

"Screw you, Bella Swan."

Dad flung open the door the second I turned to storm out, but I ignored his questions to Bella and then his calls behind me as I charged back to my own bedroom and slammed the door shut – shutting them out, shutting everything out.

And all this time… just because he left? Godammit!

How many nights had I been wrenched awake, gone to her side, aided her back to sleep? I’d brought glass after glass of water, rearranged those sodding blankets more times than I could remember. I’d stayed by her side through everything and never complained aloud, not even when I was nearly failing three classes, not even when I was walking through the school halls so tired that I couldn’t even remember my own damn name! Not even when my own life was getting so screwed up I couldn't tell which way was forward.

And the worst thing, the absolute worst thing was, all that time, I couldn't say anything. Not about how _I_ felt, not about how _I_ was struggling, not about _my_ issues, with Embry, with Harvey and Libby, still always there in the back of my mind… with Paul.

I couldn’t say _I_ was hurting because I knew none of that compared to what Bella had gone through, it just couldn’t have, for her to react that way, for her to be that broken, it couldn’t have.

But it did.

Because all Edward Fricking Cullen did was leave her.

And I’d been left by everyone.

I’d lost every single person I’d ever cared about and that made me angry. Because I wasn’t broken, I _still_ wasn’t broken, after everything… and she yet had the audacity to… she ruined three lives because of nothing.

She loved him, I knew that. But I sat there day after day, night after night thinking that he’d… that he’d hurt her in unspeakable ways, that he’d done something so awful…

I’d sunken to my knees, still leaning against the door. And I was sobbing into them, fists clenched so tight they were almost white. Because I was angry, I was angrier than I’d ever been before. But I was also so, so tired. And my headache hurt like hell.

Dad had given up talking to me through the wood now, I was deaf to his words anyway. I couldn't even recall what he'd said.

How could she do this to us? How could she put us through this, for nothing?

The thought of what Edward had done to her haunted me, and I felt like a crap sister every time I thought about myself instead of her, but really, Bella Swan was the selfish one.

It was almost ironic. Bella was left by her boyfriend, whilst I’d been cheated on by one and stood up by another. Bella had ‘lost’ Edward, and I’d lost… I’d lost… there was no way it was even comparable. And yet, which one of us was still standing? Which one of us was still going despite everything? Which one of us would keep going, even after this, even after being hurt again…

I knew one thing for certain though.

I wouldn’t be losing any more sleep over her.

Bella Swan wasn't worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry it's been a while, things have been super busy, but I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> And I'm sorry about Paul - the perfect date didn't happen after all, why do you think that was? Do you think Paul will try and make him up, and more importantly, will Alex let him?
> 
> I'm not gonna lie, I struggled with this chapter a bit, so let me know if you think I did it justice!  
> Thank you for reading xx


	15. Part Two- IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I learned that people let you down. Even if they have promised a thousand times that they won't.'

“And he, just, didn’t turn up?”

“No Ash. He didn’t.”

My tray slammed a little too hard on the table as we found our table, but the three of us ignored it as we took our seats. To say the day had been a long one would be an understatement, I didn’t think I’d ever wanted to walk out those two doors more than I did right now – but I still had half a day to go and then rehearsal before I could faceplant on a bed.

And it certainly wouldn’t be my own.

Thank goodness it was a Friday, and I was spending the night at Lucy’s. I was out of the house as early as I could be this morning and wasn’t planning on returning until I absolutely had to.

Dad had tried to question me on what happened at the breakfast table (Bella didn’t come down) but I just sat there and listened as he went on and on about how Bella was struggling and how he knew it was hard, but we had to be sensitive…

I told him to ask Bella why I was so mad.

Tonight I was at Lucy’s, tomorrow I was with Em. Sunday, I’d probably have to go home, but once I went to bed, I was not getting up again.

Bella’s boyfriend left her. And I’d be damned if I lost another night of sleep over it.

“What an asshole,” Ashley declared as she slid into the seat opposite me, Lucy humming in agreement.

She already knew what happened, I spilt it out the second I climbed in her car this morning. I didn’t say anything about what happened with Bella though, because honestly, I’d had enough of her being the centre my life. It wasn’t going to revolve around her and her issues anymore.

I knew where she would be sat right now, where she always was, on the Cullen’s old table, on her own. But I refused to look over there and stare in sadness at her. I refused to even glance her way.

I refused to think about Paul either, or at least I was trying not to. Only, with friends as nosy as this, it was immensely difficult.

“And no text? Nothing?”

“No,” I told her, “I haven’t heard anything… and honestly I don’t care.”

I did care, I cared a lot. That I didn’t was a total lie, and not a very convincing one at that. Anyone could see how much I liked him; everyone could see it. Even Lucy and Ashley’s faces right now showed me they could see it. I’d told them both about the upcoming date, and they knew how excited I was. It was all those stupid teenage things like blushing and smiling that gave it away. For a moment I was so happy, happier than I’d been in a while.

Now, I couldn’t deny I was crushed. And that alone made me furious.

“Look, can we just drop it?” I asked tiredly, rubbing my head as if that would magically rid me of the headache that had followed me around all day.

My phone was itching in my pocket, as I bit into my apple. Even though I knew there wouldn’t be any surprise apologies on there for me, I kept checking it through the day.

I didn’t know what I would do if there was a message, but I always hoped there was one, even if to just get the satisfaction of ignoring it. Or maybe if he called me, I could yell at him down the line and hang up.

It would be easy to be angry at him, give him a piece of my mind. But hearing nothing at all just left me basking in my pathetic sadness because there was no one to be angry at. I couldn’t take it out on those around me, that wasn’t fair. I wasn’t Bella.

But I was still angry, and I was still hurt. I mean, to hear nothing? Not even a ‘sorry’? And to spend all that time… to come and get me from my rehearsal for hell’s sake! Why would a person do that and then just not show?

Maybe it was a good thing I hadn’t heard from him. He probably wouldn’t like what I had to say, and believe me, there was a long, violent and angry rant stored up in my head for if I ever saw that jerk-faced loser again.

I guess I just picked assholes. I mean, first Harvey and now Paul? I couldn’t believe I’d been that stupid _again._ But maybe I was the idiot myself, a gullible idiot that would fall for the first guy that turned his head for me. Was I really that desperate to be loved? I hated that the answer was that I probably was. Still, feelings for Harvey had grown over time and with a lot of pushing – ironically from my so-called best friend – whilst everything with Paul had happened so quickly… I had to remind myself that I didn’t really know him and that I shouldn’t be so surprised at his true character. Embry had warned me after all.

I just chose to ignore his advice for a nice face.

And that warm fuzzy feeling, and the way he listened, and the way he seemed to remember everything I said, how he understood without me even using the right words, how his fingers felt against my skin…

“What are you doing here?”

The light conversation between the other two fizzled out at Ashley’s hard question and I pulled myself out of my thoughts to realise that the last person I wanted to see right now was at the head of our table, all simpering smiles and goodhearted presence.

Libby’s face dropped at the sight of Ashley’s distaste, which she didn’t even try to hide. The red-head was basically three different people, a flirt machine, a loud and proud friend, or the worst enemy you could ever have. Like her name, she could literally reduce a person to ashes with one look. I was surprised Libby wasn’t cowering where she stood. If anyone liked Libby less than me after what happened - a thought that seemed impossible - it was Ashley. And in a very bad way, I kind of loved her for it.

“I…um, well these are for you,” She said offering Lucy some A5 sized pieces of card.

Lucy stared down at them for a moment, one eyebrow raised before silently passing one to me and one to Ash. I took my one and stared down at the italic scrawl across it in slight disbelief. I almost wanted to laugh.

“We’re, well, me and Jason’s parents are away this week and we’re throwing this party… and we’d really like it if you could come. I’d like it if you could come…” She made a point to look at me, and her eyes were almost pleading. “All of you.”

“I’m busy,” I looked away and there was her answer.

“No thanks.” Ash snipped, even though I knew she wanted to say more.

“Oh, okay,” Libby sighed dejectedly, “What about you Lucy?”

“I, um, I don’t think I can make it either.” She shook her head, placing the card back on the table. She was always the politest person I’d ever met – well except to her friends, “Thanks for the invite though.”

Libby nodded, but her eyes were almost glassy. Anyone else, and on any other day, I would have felt even slightly bad. But everything that happened with Paul was just a harsh reminder of everything that happened with Harvey, and everything she did. So, I watched her walk back to Harvey and her own table, tucking herself under his arm straight away and shaking her head as she said something to him. It was clearly about us, and more probably about me in particular because Harvey immediately glanced my way. His face clearly showed that he wasn’t half as bothered by our rejection as she was, he was probably just annoyed that we upset his girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Ashley scoffed, flipping the invite round in her hands,

“Who even gives out invitations nowadays? I mean, what are we, twelve?” Her lip curled up, “Like seriously? It’s even pink.”

“You don’t have to say no just because of me, you know,” My words were mainly aimed at Lucy, who eyes were still drifting up and down the invitation. “You can go if you want.”

“No, it’s okay,” Lucy shook her head with a smile at me, “I wouldn’t know what to do without you guys there.”

“And why would I wanna step foot in the witches lair? No thank you.”

“There’ll be booze,” I reminded Ashley, “And boys. And I’m already going to Embry’s anyway, so it’s not like I’ll be missing out.”

But, as I should have expected, I was shot firmly down, “Alex, we don’t wanna go. Especially not without you, and there’s no way you’ll give in to her pathetic attempt to worm her way back into your good books. After what she did, I’m surprised you haven’t punched her yet.”

“You say yet like it’s still going to happen.” Lucy looked doubtingly at our friend,

“It might,” Ash mused, gulping from her water bottle, “Maybe not by you, but my Dad runs a gym remember… been told I got a mean right hook.”

I shook my head, but the corners of my mouth tilted up, “Nobody’s punching anyone.”

“Hmmm,” Our overly vicious friend smirked, a joking twinkle in her eye, “We’ll see…”

There were two very different people sat in front of me, two very different kinds of friend. But both managed to lift my spirit a little in different ways and at that moment, I was extremely grateful for both of them. It was nice to have people, even if they had to be kept at a slight distance.

***

I managed to make it through the next period, and the next, and I kept going until, finally, the bell rang. Just an hour to go, I could do this. I realised in my last lesson, I hadn’t exactly arranged how I was getting back to Lucy’s afterwards, but I was sure Jason wouldn’t mind giving me a lift. I still felt bad for asking though.

Times like this I found myself wishing I wasn’t so cut up over driving, I hated relying on other people, but every time I got behind the wheel – I just couldn’t trust myself to do it every day.

Every so often was different, because each time I would fully concentrate, but if it became a norm – something I did all the time – I would get too used to it, I would slip into a state of ‘unconscious competence’… only my competence wasn’t competent enough. It was still too soon, every time I got behind the wheel, I was reminded of what happened and I couldn’t go through my day with that thought haunting all the time like I used to. Avoiding driving places, however stupid it sounded, was one way of shutting away everything that happened.

I walked with Ashley and Lucy to the door, just because I had time to kill before I needed to be in the music rooms. I’d found that too long sitting around with Jason led to the conversation dwindling and that hated awkward silence falling back over us. It was usually then when he started trying to talk seriously, and it was normally about with Libby and Harvey. Something I certainly _didn’t_ want to talk about.

It seemed he could never find enough ways to tell me about how he thought it was wrong, and how he really didn’t know about any of it. Sometimes, it was just a little bit difficult not to get annoyed. However well-meaning, each time he brought it up was like snipping a single stitch in a closing up wound.

It was as if he thought that sitting at their lunch table and driving to school with them immediately made him on my bad side too, even though it didn’t. Honestly, I understood and, really, I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to ostracise him for being caught up in a situation that wasn’t his fault and I really wished he’d just that through his thick skull and move on. We had a play to do in a month, and we were nowhere near ready.

Whilst Jason’s music skills were next to none, his acting left something to be desired. It wasn’t his fault by any means, he struggled with learning the lines – something I already knew from us being lab partners – but it did mean it was taking longer to get the scenes done. And we still hadn’t even thought about the kissing one.

Ash was going on about getting her hair cut at the weekend when I zoned back in and we approached the doors. My hand went out to hold it and follow the small file of people through when a familiar vehicle caught my eye and I stopped.

It wasn’t so much the car, but the brooding six-foot whatever frame leaning against it that had me grinding to a halt. I mumbled a quick apology to the person who had I had crashed shoulders with in my haste to stop, met with a string of mumbling curses in return. Ash asked what was wrong, but Lucy saw him straight away too, glancing between the two of us multiple times.

All that angry yelling I wanted to do? And all those curses I had ready in my mouth to fly at him? Yeah, well they abandoned me, leaving my mouth completely dry and suddenly, I couldn’t find a single word to say.

“You know, maybe you should go talk to him,” Luce suggested quietly, “I mean, he came all the way down here – and it’s clearly for you.”

I shook my head,

“No chance.”

I had waited for hours and he gave me nothing. There was no excuse for that.

I just wanted to turn and run back down the corridor.

“I’ll see you later.”

Bag strap now clutched so tightly in my hand that the fabric dug into my palm, I turned back around and strode down the corridor.

No way was I talking to him, not now, not ever.

And my stomach wasn’t fluttering, it wasn’t. I refused to even acknowledge it.

I had waited hours for Paul Lahote, he could wait a few for me.

***

“So after this one’s blocked it’s seven, nine and thirteen left, right?” I asked, flicking my way through my script to find the right pages. I seriously should get a folder for it or something, the thing was basically falling apart in my hands. “I mean, that are just us two.”

“Yeah,” Jason agreed, before letting out a large puff of air, running the pages through his fingers, “And she said this was a medium-sized role…”

“Yeah, well it’s Jessica,” I replied, “Anything other than the lead is a slack-off.”

Jason looked genuinely worried though, this scene we were doing was quite a long one and the only saving grace of it was that it led to my solo, which was basically me up on the table having a rant about guy-hating. Which, to be honest, was quite apt for this moment in time.

Running my teeth between my lips I studied the large block of text that formed his mini monologue at the beginning, a sudden idea striking me. “Have you tried learning through audio?”

“What?”

“You know, like music. You could record you, or anyone really, saying the lines, and just play it back to yourself over and over again.”

“You think that’d work?”

“Worth a try I guess,” I shrugged a little, “You managed to pick up the songs quickly like that… it might work with words as well.”

He nodded, seemingly liking the suggestion, but even so, I didn’t miss the mumbling under his breath,

“Or I could just try to not be such an idiot,”

“Hey,” I caught him off, slightly harsher than I intended, “You’re not an idiot. Don’t say that.”

“Yeah well, you’re the only one who thinks so.”

With a sigh he collapsed into the chair, shrugged off his denim jacket, and threw his head back, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry,” He muttered through his hands,

Something was definitely wrong, more wrong than usual. I found myself pulling up a chair next to him, taking a seat on the uncomfortable blue plastic too. I didn’t say anything though, waiting for him to talk first. I knew more than anyone that sometimes you just need to talk about things, not to burden anyone else, but just because you were too tired to keep it in anymore. It could be anyone you talk to, whoever’s there in that moment… for me, it just happened to be a boy on the edge of a cliff.

“I’m failing three classes,” he said quietly, “And barely passing the others – they wanted to pull me out of the play, but Harris put in a good word for me.”

Mr Harris was the old music teacher at school, and he was about as dilapidated as his department was. He was technically ‘in charge’ of the musical – even though in reality he had never turned up to a single rehearsal. Everyone knew it was Jessica’s play: assistant director and principal role? No one could say she wasn’t committed. But it was no secret that Mr Harris was a big fan of Jason, I mean, he was practically the only succeeding music student in the whole school.

“Bet your Dad didn’t like that.”

Jason scoffed, “I don’t think he’d care about the grades if I was playing football. It’s just ‘music’ that isn’t worth spending time on… just imagine if he knew…”

He trailed off, never saying what it was exactly that his Dad didn’t know about. But I wasn’t about to push him.

Jason and Libby’s Dad was a complicated man. I’d met him a few times before, and basically thought he was an asshole. Of course, Libby was the straight-A child, on the athletics team and the shining example of a daughter any father would want, but Jason was just as talented – even more so – and the only things I’d ever hear about his son was a joke about his music or comment about ‘manning him up’.

I knew what it was like to be in a competition with your sibling that you didn’t know you’d entered. What it was like to feel like the other one, Jason’s pain was one I recognised all too well myself, though it was different.

I rested my hand on Jason’s shoulder, the only kind of comfort I could find to give him.

“You’re the best singer I know,” I told him truthfully, “Don’t you dare give that up.”

“Oh, believe me, I’m not.” He replied, “It’s the only thing I’m good at.”

I murmured in disagreement but didn’t say anything.

Jason’s face suddenly perked up again and he was shuffling through his rucksack, pulling out a sheet of paper covered in smudged biro and decorated in his messy scrawl. “That reminds me…I was working on this new song, and I realised exactly what would make it perfect-”

“Jason…”

“Your voice is just what I need. And it’s not much, just some layering in the chorus, a couple of harmonies here and there… please Al.” His eyes were lit up with the same excited childishness that I saw in Embry’s when he went on his rants about the laws of physics, “You could come to the house, just for an hour or so, before the party or something…”

“I’m not going to the party.” I shook my head, “And I can’t come over, I’m sorry but it would just be too awkward.”

“You’re not coming to the party?” He asked, seeming genuinely surprised, “But it’s gonna be epic – everyone’s going to be there.”

“Yeah, and your sister thought it would be a good idea to rock up at my lunch table with invites,” I told him, “I’m not going to show up like everything’s alright between us.”

“Then come for me instead,” He insisted, “We’re not gonna get another chance like this for _ages,_ ” He emphasised the last word, “Mom and Dad are away for the whole week, so we have the house to ourselves. You gotta come.”

“I’m sorry,”

“Well, help me out with the song then. Come on, one or the other… Libby’s got athletics after school on Monday, so you won’t even have to see her.”

I groaned, why was he so good at winning arguments? “Please Alex, you’ll love the track when you hear it. I promise.”

Somehow, I ended up agreeing before I even realised I had. Not to the party though, I was still very firmly set on the fact that I wasn’t going to go. I could imagine running into the two of them right now and that was an encounter I could definitely do without.

We spent the rest of the rehearsal recording me reading Jason’s lines into his phone, so he could plug his headphones in and listen whenever. I was actually quite proud of the whole idea if I must say so myself. Hopefully, it would work.

It was clear the musical wasn’t going to be anything special; the scriptwriting wasn’t at all remarkable and as far as I knew the chorus was a shamble, but it was going to be a lot of fun to do on stage. Unfortunately, Jason and I had probably the most cliché parts in any school musical, aside from the dopey romantic leads (any guesses who the female was?)

We were the best friends of the two main characters; we hated each other passionately only to realise near the end of the play that all the time we’d been third and fourth wheeling together had led to us falling deeply in love…even though we were still fighting in the last scene of the play – but I guess that’s typical of most couples.

I didn’t want to admit it, but I loved my own song. I wasn’t much of a dancer, but it was more hopping from one piece of the set to another, and it was very upbeat, so I didn’t have to make it spectacularly moving in any way.

Maggie – that was the name of my part. Reading through her lines, it was almost an embodiment of Ashley actually, except, instead of flirting with every man in sight, Maggie had committed herself to a long life of hating them. Perhaps I should’ve taken a leaf out of her book.

Jason’s character, on the other hand, was a complete idiot. At one point I’m pretty sure he’s even choreographed to fall off the stage. There was only one serious scene between the two us, and that was the penultimate one – it followed straight off the song that we’d already done, and then led on to the kiss.

The kiss that wouldn’t have been half as awkward if Riley was still doing the part. Mainly because he was a complete womaniser even at the age of seventeen and so it would literally mean nothing to him, he was about as casual about stage-intimacy as it was physically possible to be. When we rehearsed it, I just kind of followed his lead and went along with it.

But this was Jason. I knew him well, but even more of an issue was the fact that spent months kissing his best friend, who was now kissing his sister – both of whom would probably be watching us on stage. I don’t think the scenario could get any more awkward if I tried. So by the end of the session, we’d still successfully managed to avoid even discussing it.

It was darker when we left school today, even though it was the same time of day as last time, but I guess that was winter. It was getting darker very early these days, soon it would be pitch black by four o’clock.

Like last time, the car park was again basically empty of cars. There was only a couple of teachers and the janitor left in the building at this time, so it wasn’t surprising.

But what was surprising was the massive feeling of deja vu that flooded me at the sight of one battered down vehicle.

He was still there.

Honestly, I was expecting the guy to have driven off after waiting around a while, and thought that would be the end of it. But no. There he was, Paul Lahote in all his glory, still leaning against his car with his arms folded over his chest. Why the hell was he still here?

“I guess that’s your lift,” Chuckled Jason, but there was no trace of a smile on my face.

“Umm, no, actually, I was wondering if you can drop me off at Lucy’s? I’m staying at hers tonight.”

“Sure,” Jason flipped the keys around in his hand, eyes drifting quickly to Paul, “Trouble in paradise?”

“There is no paradise.” Came my answer.

I wondered for a second about whether we could somehow sneak to Jason’s car without being seen. My mouth had gone completely dry again and there was a tight bubble in my chest – dread, that’s what it was.

Not so much dread about talking to Paul, but more so about what he was going to say. I dreaded him telling me that I had been the receiving end of some stupid practical joke, but I dreaded him saying the opposite even more. Because if he asked me to forgive him, I might do so.

And I was done with that. I was done being the person people could pick up and use whenever they wanted.

But of course, there was no chance of him not seeing me. The second the door opened his eyes were fixed on me and he suddenly straightened up, his intake of breath visible from all the way on the other side of the parking lot.

I think I gasped too because I could feel Jason looking at me weirdly as I stopped at the top of the steps.

There he went again with that damn stare.

That look that made me feel like he was seeing straight into my soul. That look that made me all warm and fuzzy and clenched a knot in my lower stomach. I didn’t want that look right now.

Gulping, I broke my eyes away from his and headed down the steps, looking at the ground beneath my feet.

I beelined for Jason’s car, Jason's footsteps quickening next to me to keep up. If we could just make it to his car without Paul talking…

“Alex, wait!”

No such luck. My feet drew to a halt again, trying to calm my frazzled nerves before turning back to face him. And looking at him again, closer this time, when every feature on his face was sculpted by the lamplights, every feeling I felt around him came rushing back. Why did he have to go and not show up?

“What do you want Paul?” I was surprised that I almost spat his name, maybe I could be angry at him after all.

He glanced from me to Jason, and then back to me again, running a hand through his cropped hair before huffing a large breath,

“Can we talk?”

“We could have talked last night,” I told him, “Only someone didn’t show up.”

“I’m really sorry,”

“It’s fine…” My eyes narrowed, “It was only two hours sat on the doorstep feeling like a total idiot.”

“Alex-”

“Dude, maybe you should leave it.”

Paul’s eyes pulled away from my own, narrowing venomously on Jason for speaking up. His whole posture suddenly tightened, annoyance vivid on his face.

“If you don’t mind, I’m trying to talk to _her_ ,”

“Well it doesn’t sound like she wants to talk to _you_ ,” Jason fired back, taking his hand off of the door handle and moving closer to my side.

I appreciated the protective intentions, but all the same, I really didn’t need him making things worse right now. It seemed Paul wasn't quite so appreciative as his scowl hardened even further, a rumble resonating through his chest as he took a menacing step towards the two of us, his entire presence shifting dramatically darker within a second, eyes still zeroed in on Jason.

“You gonna back off?” He practically growled, “Or am I gonna have to make you back off?”

His entire figure was trembling as I stared at him, and despite everything, I couldn’t help the sudden concern that bloomed in my chest. I should be really angry at the way he was acting right now, but I couldn’t feel anything other than worried.

“Paul you’re shaking,”

I watched wide-eyed as and his fists clenched and unclenched, eyes screwing shut and entire forehead furrowing. It like he was struggling so hard against something, like was trying to concentrate.

He was trying to keep in control.

I had to fight every instinct in my body to move towards him. And that was weird. I should be wanting to move in the opposite direction.

I wasn’t surprised at the tense form and his shoulders rising and falling with panting breaths, I could practically feel the anger radiating off him. But he was trying to reign it in.

True, I had never seen someone like this, basically quaking where they stood. Nor had I seen someone lose it so quickly, to go from zero to a hundred in seconds. But neither had I ever seen someone trying so hard to not let it out.

And I wasn’t afraid.

“I’ll meet you in the car, Jason,”

“Seriously?”

I turned to Jason as Paul heaved himself around so he wasn’t facing us anymore. I sent a wary glance as Paul crouched down lower to the floor, his head dropping, the harsh rise and fall of his huge shoulders still visible.

Jason on the other hand was looking at me doubtfully, but I just nodded my head at him. And after looking at Paul unsurely again, he gave one back and climbed into the car, shutting the door slowly.

I didn’t approach until Jason was inside, making tentative steps towards Paul’s crouched figure.

“Paul…”

I didn’t actually know what to say,

“Stay back there…” He ordered through heavy breaths, “Just give me a minute.”

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see it. Over the next few minutes, I just watched and waited as the tense muscles slowly relaxed, his breathing becoming calmer and more even. I still didn’t speak until he was risen back to his full height, my own body remarkably tense. I was caught between rushing towards him and staying rooted to the spot, fighting every cell that wanted contact.

“Are… are you alright?”

He finally looked at me.

There was no anger now, except for the small pants of breath. Instead, he looked… I didn’t know how he looked. His eyes met mine in almost a pleading way, but at the same time like he was ashamed.

“Thought you would have run off by now,”

There couldn’t be anything further than the truth. Which was kind of tragic after everything I’d been preaching all day.

“You told me you get angry,”

He shook his head, letting out a small, humourless laugh,

“That wasn’t angry,” He said, “Believe me.”

What did I respond to that with? Embry’s warning flashed into my head once again, about how Paul had got into a lot of trouble at school. And I’d even seen it before, that night on the cliff – I could feel it radiating off his person like it was now – but I’d never seen it become that physical, not in anyone. Again, I knew I should be wary, or even a little bit scared. But I wasn’t.

That didn’t mean everything was suddenly okay though… because it wasn’t.

The pang returned in my heart, reminding me why I was upset with him in the first place.

“You know, you can’t just turn up here,”

Paul sighed, hand rubbing over his face. He struggled for a few moments, seemingly trying to find the right words to say.

“I wanted to explain – to explain what happened – face to face. Your friend told me you were in rehearsal or something… well actually the first one I asked told me to go to hell-”

“That would be Ashley,” I couldn’t help but interject,

“Yeah well, I didn’t want to just leave it so…” He trailed off and I knew I wasn’t going to like what was going to come next, “I’m really sorry Alex, I really did want to-”

“Stop.” I said, “Just stop, please.”

I couldn’t do this. Not if he was going to look at me like that, like this was an honest mistake. I was so geared up for it to not be a big deal to him, so I could pretend it wasn’t to me either. Or, that it was a purposeful choice that I could scream and shout at him about, paint him as the enemy. But genuinely sorry? I couldn’t do that.

“But I-”

“Paul. I can’t do this, okay?”

His face dropped and suddenly, it was him making his way towards me instead.

“It wasn’t my fault.” He said, “There was this emergency…”

“So bad you couldn’t phone? Or text?” My voice rose, “Or even spend two seconds at any point _today_ to message me with something, _anything_?!”

He huffed through his nostrils, eyes determinedly pleading with mine,

“I wanted to take you out. I still want to take you out.”

I shook my head again. I wasn’t going to do this anymore. I said I wasn’t going to be that person that gives this easily, I wasn’t going to be used again, I wasn’t. So I lied.

“Well, I don’t want to go out with you,”

It was like I’d slapped him in the face, only making my confusion worse. I didn’t get this. I didn’t get how he was acting like this actually mattered to him so much when the entire day I’d been waiting by my phone and… nothing.

He said he wanted to talk face to face, but if he really did care about missing our date, surely, he’d let me know? Why would someone leave it this late to come and talk to me? And I still couldn’t forget how stupid I felt sitting out there in the cold for hours. I couldn’t let that happen again.

“What was this Paul?” I eventually sighed, “Some kind of joke?”

“What? No!”

“Some kind of get back at Embry then?” I was clutching at straws now. I just didn’t understand.

“What has Embry got to do with…” Paul growled aloud, “What has he been saying?!”

“Nothing!” I cried, finally losing my cool, “No one’s being saying anything! But that’s exactly the point Paul! You just left me there waiting for you.”

I didn’t get it.

A small tear dribbled down my cheek, but I hastily wiped it away. No way was I going to be a crybaby right now. Goddammit, I hated that I was so emotional all the time.

“What was it?” I asked, trying to stifle the sniffle, “All of the holding and touching and pretending to be bothered when really you couldn’t even give enough of a damn to send a stupid text!”

“Just shut up!”

Paul’s voice reverberated through the air, so loud that my heart jumped to my throat.

“You have no idea what you talking about!”

And then I did it. I flinched.

Forget slapping him, that was like I’d just stabbed him instead.

And I couldn’t handle that. Turning around, I started to make my way back to the car, when suddenly his voice was following me.

“No… Alex, wait… I didn’t mean-”

I stopped and turned back to him. He cursed under his breath, “I wanted to go on that date, I wanted to go on that date _with you_ , Alex, I swear, more than I’ve ever wanted anything before. And there was an emergency, I swear to God there was-”

“Then what was it?” I couldn’t not ask,

“I can’t tell you.” He saw my face fall, “But I promise you there was one and I need you to trust me. Let me make it up to you... please.”

“You said I could trust last time, remember?” My memory flew back to the last time we were together, sat in his car and outside my house, and the way his skin felt when it touched mine… “Always?”

“I know,”

The look on his face said he was remembering it too.

“Then how do you expect me to do it again…”

I wasn’t sure I trust anyone anymore, not really.

“Go home Paul,”

“I can’t.” He tried one last time, “I can’t just walk away from you.”

His dark eyes, almost black in the night sky, were begging me now. And it almost made me give in. I didn’t know why I felt like this, this tugging in my chest that made me want to run straight back to him. Even now, it felt like he was pulling me in, and I wanted to cave, I wanted to cave so badly. But I knew I wasn’t going to.

Even if he was sorry, even if he really did want to be there, he wasn’t. And people just kept letting me down. And I couldn’t work out what was going on, he seemed to care so much… but other people had cared and let me down.

So, I turned back to him, with a sigh.

“Then stand here and watch me do it instead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long!
> 
> I made the chapter extra long to try and make up for it, so I hope you enjoyed it. I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who has read, commented or left kudos on this work. We're well over 4000 reads and over 200 kudos already, which is totally amazing! Please don't stop letting me know what you think, anything anyone has to say on this work is such motivation and it makes me so happy to hear what you have to say! 
> 
> Hope you're all okay and thank you for reading xx


	16. Part Two- X

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'It never stops hurting. Giving someone the best of you and watching them choose someone else.'

The first thing I noticed as I directed Embry up the hill was that all the lights in the house were on, and I mean _all_ of them. The entire surrounding area was pitch black, like every other house within a mile-wide radius had gone out for the evening just to avoid what was happening inside that building. I didn’t blame them.

And then there was the music. I could hear it thumping, even through the car walls. It echoed the beat of the headache of I still had, unable to shake as of yet.

“Ugh, I am so gonna regret this…” I couldn’t keep in the groan as I eyed the building, not that I was trying very hard to hide it.

Embry just chuckled from beside me, turning the wheel so we drove up on the sidewalk and could park. Even when we’d stopped, I couldn’t actually bring myself to get out just yet. The truth was, going to a party was the last thing I wanted to be doing right now, and yet, somehow, here I was.

It had been three days.

It had been three days since I’d been home, three days since my supposed date with Paul and three days since I talked to Bella. And honestly, all I wanted was a movie night at Embry’s, smothered in blankets and hot chocolate like normal, not saying a word about it.

I was already exhausted from the hospital today, so being out at nine o’clock and not getting back until much, much later felt like a disaster waiting to happen. Embry’s Mom seemed to think so too.

He had an eleven-thirty curfew for tonight, but there was no way he was going to keep to it. In fact, I think the plan was to stay out so late that his mom would be asleep by the time he got back. That way, he could postpone the scolding until the morning. Not sure what good that would do though, he was a dead man walking as far as I was concerned.

That was the exact reason I wasn’t going to his tonight. Him getting home late was one thing. Him getting home late, with a girl, after being at a party all night? That was basically walking into hell with open arms. And I for one was not willing to face that just for the sake of avoiding my own bed for one more night.

So, Embry was going to drop me home. _My_ plan, therefore, was also to arrive back so late that both Dad and Bella would be in bed, and then, with any luck, I could get out again in the morning before either of them were awake.

The real question was, what the actual hell was I doing at this party in the first place?

The answer, like to so many of my questions, was simple…. It was all thanks to Embry Call.

He is probably the only person in this world who - when I called to tell him he that was right about the idiot that stood me up - instead of saying ‘I told you so’, convinced me to rock up the same party that I had told everyone else I was only going to attend over my dead body.

So, here I was. Sitting in a parked car outside of Libby and Jason’s house, trying to pluck up the sheer will to go inside. Luce and Ash would be there, they were already inside. After I was forced into coming there was no way they weren’t going come too – moral support – or so they said.

A sudden thump on the back of the vehicle reminded me of our other two guests tonight because – not only did Embry disregard my half-hour of reasoning about why I didn’t want to go – he also couldn’t keep his mouth shut about the fact that we _were_ going. Que Jake and Quil knocking on the car windows.

I’d even dressed up, why the hell had I dressed up?

Oh yeah, it was because when I phoned Lucy that I had ‘changed my mind’ she had insisted that I did. ‘It was my first party in ages’ she said, ‘you won’t have a good time if you’re in sweats’. Well, I certainly was not enjoying the tightness of these skinny jeans right now that’s for sure. I was lucky I’d packed enough stuff in my bag that night to last me few days.

The second I opened the door the volume of music only grew; it was like opening the lid on a jumping jack. How the hell the twins were getting away with this, I would never know. I guess it came with the perks of being from the richer side of town – and being practically the richest in it.

I needed to get in the party mood, and fast, otherwise, this night was going to be way too long for me to handle. I could practically feel the booze that was sure to be inside radiating off of the place. Lord knows what I would do if the police ended up getting called and my Dad rocked up on the doorstep.

“So this is how the other half lives huh?” Jake asked as he stared up at the giant house, but no hint of awe in his face at all.

“Not my half,” I scoffed in reply,

“Yeah, but this is way cooler than anything down on the beach,” Protested Quil, almost bouncing like his curls as he too looked ahead of us, eyes fixed on the lights bursting through the windows, “I mean there’s girls and beer and…”

“Girls?” Jake finished for him, “Dude you’ll be lucky to score a plant pot.”

“He’ll probably be so plastered he won’t be able to tell the difference,”

I scrunched up my face at that. Sober Quil was bad enough, I hated to hazard a guess at what he’d be like drunk. Anyway, it would take a lot of that watered-down stuff that they managed to get their hands on to make even me tipsy.

“You not drinking tonight Alex?” Jake noticed my expression, “thought the whole point was to forget about-”

“No,” I cut him off before he could finish Paul’s name – and yes, they knew about that too.

I wasn’t mad at Embry for telling them, I knew none of them were fans of Paul and so it made sense that he’d complain about my poor choices to the two people who would empathise with him most. It was just even more embarrassing that they’d now been proven right.

“All the more for us then,”

“Not for him either,” I pointed at Embry, whose face instantly dropped as he remembered, “He’s my driver.”

“Ha! Suck it!” Quil yelled at him, receiving a shove in return.

That had been my one condition to coming tonight. Embry wasn’t going to drink so that he could drive me home after. There was no way I was getting stranded with three Quileute boys off their arses on cheap beer and without a lift. Not tonight.

We started climbing up the steps towards the dominating house, my eardrums wincing a little more with every step I took.

“I can’t believe you dragged me into this,” I shook my head at Em as the other two bounded up the steps ahead of us,

“Too late now,” He shook his head at me. He was right though, there was no reason for me to still be fighting this battle, he’d already won, “Anyway, what’s the point of having pale face mates if you can’t cash in on the bourgeois lifestyle now and then,”

A while ago, I would have questioned if Embry even knew what ‘bourgeois’ even meant, but not now. It had been happening more and more often of late, I think he was becoming a bit of a nerd since he discovered the wonders of a library. Or really, how it could be used for more than sitting on sofas and throw scrunched up bits of paper into bins. He’d even started wearing these little pair of reading glasses when doing his homework – though he threatened to kill me if ever told the other two that.

It used to be me that helped him most of the time when we studied together, but now, more often than not, it was the other round. Not that I minded, of course, it felt great to see him actually motivated to do some work for once.

I could only wish my grades were rising half as well as his. I’d finally managed to put a stop to my plummet and was slowly climbing my way back up (enough that my teachers didn’t seem so worried at least) but I wasn’t exactly near the top of the class anymore, not like I used to be.

“Nice to know I mean so much to you,” I laugh, as we step over the threshold.

And believe me, it was like stepping into a different world.

Immediately my senses were assaulted with a vast array of sounds, smells, colours and more, but the overwhelming stench was of alcohol and the overriding sight was of red plastic cups. They were strewn everywhere, even though the party had only begun maybe half an hour ago. I guess alcohol was one of the unavoidable evils of a high school party, even if the ones I had been to last year didn’t tend to be so rife with it – still, we were juniors now.

I seemed to be the only one not instantly drawn into the chaos, the boys’ whoops and hollers filling my ears at the sight of a horde of reckless teens with no council keeping control. The two of them immediately disappeared, swallowed up in the crowd, probably in search of the nearest tap.

Lucy and Ash had already arrived, as my phone had told me a few minutes ago. Though I almost didn’t get their text because I’d been ignoring my cell for as long as possible.

It seemed Paul’s silent treatment had well and truly ended with the parking lot confrontation. Now, he wouldn’t stop with the messages. The long strain of texts, that I hadn't replied to, threatened to make me feel guilty, and I hadn’t even listened to the voicemails. I wasn’t going to either.

I’d made my decision; I wasn’t going to go back on it.

It wasn’t like I was mad anymore, not with Paul anyway – Bella was another story – but let’s just say I was more than happy to never run into him again… it would just be too awkward.

He would stop soon, when he realised I meant what I said, and that he didn’t even know why he was after me anyway. Plenty more fish in the sea, right? And it’s not like it would be hard for him if he wanted a girlfriend that badly, I was sure there was plenty who would love to be with someone like him, and lots that were more…well, who looked more like him.

Now, I liked how I looked. I was happy with myself and my body, and I hated people thinking for a second that I wasn’t. I felt really good all dressed up tonight, however reluctant I was to admit it, and I’d even gone as far as eyeliner – which was rare. But I was neither conventionally pretty nor interesting or unique in any way – no cool hair or fancy eyes. I was just, normal.

Not like Paul.

“Oh, there’s Luce!” I called out, spotting her blonde curls slipping out of the kitchen, two plastic cups in her hands. I assumed the other one was for Ashley. “I’ll catch you up in a sec? I think the guys went out the back…”

“You gonna be alright?!”

I gave him a confident nod in reply, which he luckily accepted, and I hurried off in Lucy’s direction, hoping she wouldn’t get too swallowed up by the crowd before I could catch her. Even I thought this place was massive right now, with the endless stream of bodies seemingly flowing through its corridors, and I’d been here before!

It was obvious all the vaguely valuable ornaments that littered this place had been squared away somewhere safe. Which was probably a good idea considering how their mom was obsessed with keeping everything perfectly tidy – seriously, there wasn’t even a speck of dust on the gleaming surfaces. Also, half those vases and paintings probably cost more than all the furniture in my house put together, so no wonder they were moved out of reach of raucous kids.

Couldn’t do much about the ostentatious chandeliers though. This place had high enough ceilings, however, so they’d probably get away without too much damage being done. Still, white carpets and multiple kegs weren’t the best matches for each other. I’d love to see how many stains the twins would have to try and scrub out tomorrow morning.

In the end, it wasn’t Lucy’s blonde hair I spotted, but instead, Ashley’s fiery locks and I couldn’t help almost gasping when I saw her.

She caught my eye and there was a devilish grin plastered on her face - it was no wonder why though, she knew she looked amazing. Gone was the waist-length straight hair, only to be replaced by the extreme opposite. Her hair was so much shorter now, cut close around her ears, and her face was practically glowing with it. Somehow it made her look even more stunning than before, thick winged eyeliner and tons of jewellery to match. I was almost speechless as I stared at her. If I wasn’t clear what I meant by interesting… I meant like Ashley.

“You like?” She grinned as she shouldered her way towards me, shoving one guy and starting a chain reaction down the room, which she paid no attention too of course.

“You look… it’s amazing Ash!” I watched as she did a little twirl, her short skirt raising in a circle around her as she laughed loudly. She had probably started drinking already, Ashley was never this happy without a drink in her system.

“There you are!” Lucy cried, squeezing past people instead of shoving them, to make her way to us. It _was_ her I had spotted before; she was in the same dress and had two red cups grasped in her hands and I was right again when she handed one to Ash. “We were wondering where you got to.”

“Took forever to drag the guys’ sorry backsides away from the mirror,” I told them, which was true.

We had been standing outside the Atera residence for a good fifteen minutes, waiting for him to finish styling his hair. I didn’t really understand that I mean, if it was Jacob then yeah, sure, but Quil’s hair was short and curly. There wasn’t much he could actually change.

“Oooh are his fit friends here too?” Ashley chimes in, playful green eyes glinting in the artificial light.

“Which fit friends are those?” A voice suddenly called out from behind me, and I very pointedly rolled my eyes at Quil as the three of them found their way to us.

Either Ashley was already drunker than I thought or she was seeing something very different to what I was. Cute, maybe that was the way to describe them, but fit? I wasn’t so sure.

“Ashely, Quil. Quil, Ashley.” I introduced, unable to stop the laugh that escaped my mouth as Quil came forward and picked up Ashley’s hand, placing a quick kiss on it with a grin and muttering about how it was ‘his pleasure’.

Jake just shoved him over with a laugh, beating me to it by saying how his friend needed to ‘pick up his game.’ Quil just responded with a wink, and if it wasn’t Ash we were talking about, I may have even said she blushed.

Somehow the six of us wound our way into the living room, or one of them anyway, and managed to shove some other people out of the chairs as we occupied the area. Quil and Ashley had fallen deep into it with the flirting and their faces were now inches away from making out, so all of us were trying very hard not to look in their direction.

I was currently perched very unceremoniously on the arm of the chair, one arm wrapped around Embry’s shoulders for balance as we chatted with the other two. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was actually having an alright time. It felt nice being with everyone when they were just getting on with each other, talking mindlessly and joking around and my ears had finally started to adjust to the noise levels, so the music sounded more like actual music now. By this point, it was surprising that only Quil was heading anywhere near drunken territory, but then again, he had always been the least sensible one.

It was about half an hour in when Ashley declared she was dancing, very loudly and abruptly, grabbing Lucy’s hand and dragging her on to the floor. Quil immediately rose to follow her like a puppy, stumbling over the leg of the coffee table in his stupor.

“Come on Alex!” Ashley cried,

“Uh-uh,” I shook my head, “I’m good!”

She pouted hysterically, both her and Lucy calling out over and over.

“You never dance!”

“And there’s a very good reason why!” I reminded her, “The only way you’d get me dancing is if-”

I was about to tell her that it would be if hell froze over. But then it almost did.

My words fell short at the sight of the wrong twin, dressed in a little white dress and looking annoyingly pretty with her long tanned legs showing and shiny, curled hair. She had that genuine smile on her features as she casually talked to some other person. But then she turned and caught my eye, and I knew she was coming over.

“Let’s go.” I declared.

“What?” Embry asked at my sudden change of mind.

I turned to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him up with me, trying to muster a grin on my face. “Let’s dance.”

“O-okay,” I didn’t miss the helpless shrug he sent to Jake, but he barely had time before I was dragging him straight into the middle of the large crowd rocking to the music.

It was a mess of sweaty bodies, but enough space between them to move about in. I let go of Embry’s hand and sort of started swaying, trying to look like this was actually something I wanted to do. “You hate dancing,” He spoke loudly into my ear, trying to be heard over the sounds.

“I know,” I called back, “But the other option was worse… believe me!”

He chuckled but didn’t ask anymore. Instead, my hand was suddenly grabbed from the side and I was quickly turned under it, the world spinning as he twirled me around, a loud laugh leaving my mouth as I almost crashed straight back into Lucy with a haphazard apology.

“What are you doing?!” I laughed exasperatedly at him,

“We’re dancing!”

Embry grabbed my other hand to and started awkwardly jiggling about pushing me out and pulling me back in whilst I was in peals of laughter. I didn’t actually have control over my own body in that second, which was probably a good thing.

“You’re crap!” I told him as he stepped on my foot, for the third time.

“I know!” he just called back,

Suddenly an unfamiliar arm wrapped around my waist and I was pulled away from my partner. I let out a little scream as I spun around, only to give the person who did it a hard shove backwards when I realised who it was.

Jason barely moved though. Just grinning down at me,

“Don’t do that to me, you idiot!” I yelled, but my teeth were showing. “Nearly gave me a bloody heart attack!”

“What happened to ‘I’m not coming’?” He asked as I pulled him in for a quick hug, and I shrugged,

“Not like I got much better to do with my evening.”

Someone suddenly cleared their throat from behind me, and I swung around, remembering Embry who I had just abandoned.

“Oh, sorry!” I said, “Jason this is Embry, Embry this is Jason… it’s his party,”

“Nice place dude,” Embry greeted,

Despite it being the worst possible time ever, considering I was pretty wedged in a crowd, I was suddenly hit with the irresistible urge to pee. Seriously? I hadn’t even drunk anything yet. I glanced around, trying to spot an opening that I could escape out of.

“Actually, I er, I need to use the bathroom,” I told them, spotting a door I could slip out through, “See ya in a sec,”

“Yeah sure,” Jason replied, not looking away from Embry, “You know where it is right?”

I sent him a thumbs up over my shoulder as I slid myself through the various gaps between people, trying to find my way back out into the real world again. I hoped it wasn’t too awkward, leaving them both there together when they’d only just met, but I seriously needed to go. That wasn’t a bad move, right? I’d have to apologise to Em later if I’d just made things really awkward.

I spotted Quil and Ashley on my way out and lo and behold, their faces had finally found each other. I tried not to grimace as I squeezed past, or be noticed by the pair because, by the look of the multiple empty cups in their hands, anything could have happened.

As soon as I found the staircase, I was pacing up it, skipping over discarded cups and couples making out on the direct route to the nearest loo.

The upstairs of the house was just as large as the downstairs and even though I’d been here, what like a dozen times before? I found myself unable to remember exactly which room I’d find the heavenly toilet in. I mean, come on. I was a white corridor with about seven identical wooden doors and some of those doors led to more than one room, and it had been a while.

Surprisingly the upstairs of the house had been hardly touched by the party apart from a few scattered bottle and cups. I don’t know how he managed that. Forks as a town wasn’t exactly known as ‘rave city’, but surprisingly, it’s youth could really get going when the opportunity presented itself – probably because they got to do it so rarely. Still, props to Jason for keeping everything under control without his parents here.

It had been a good night. Maybe Embry was right for dragging me out, even if he mostly did it for his own benefit. It was cool that his friends were getting on with my friends, well, in one case maybe they were getting to know each other a little too well, but that didn’t matter. I hope Quil knew that Ash didn’t tend to stick, she didn’t really do – I didn’t want to say commitment, because the truth was, we were only teenagers – but she didn’t often make out with the same person more than once.

I told myself that all this made one thing very clear. I didn’t need Paul.

I told myself that I had enough people here, people that I could still have a good time with, still make me smile, still make forget the messed-up world at home for a bit. People that could still make me feel like myself. I didn’t need anyone else.

Throughout my life, there was one very common trend amongst the people I surrounded myself with. They always left.

That was an accepted fact now, but that didn’t matter because at any one point I always had someone, and that was enough to survive on. Sure, some stayed longer than others, I mean, I never thought when I turned up on Embry’s door all that time ago, he’d grow to be such a big part in my life, nor stay that as long as he did, but even I knew something would happen eventually – it always did.

I guess, it just meant I had to enjoy it while it lasted. The same way I enjoyed having friends like Lucy and Ashley, the same way I enjoyed having Jason around…

But here’s the crucial thing. Everyone lets you down at some point, it’s just some let you down in worse ways than others. And those are the ones you struggle to move on from.

Walking along that corridor, reaching for that door handle and opening that door reminded me exactly of that fact as soon as I saw who was standing inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> No Paul in this chapter, but he shows up in the next one I promise! Who do we think is in the room? It's probably pretty obvious, but anyone that's been waiting for the big confrontation, it's on its way!
> 
> Please don't hesitate to comment or leave kudos if you like it, it's so great to have so much support! XX


	17. Part Two- XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'She gave them everything she was, but they can keep that. She likes everything she is now better anyway... and they can't have this.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small Language Warning for this one.

It was like déjà vu – if déjà vu was like a tonne of bricks crashing straight onto your head.

In an instant, I was turning around, leaving the two scrambling teenagers, currently trying to put their tops back on.

The two teenagers that had both let out a shriek when a stranger opened the door on them. The two teenagers whose eyes had widened, and stomachs dropped when they realised, that it wasn’t a stranger at all.

Libby was in her bra, dressed bunched at her hips and Harvey was without a shirt and their mouths were pressed feverishly together, hands all over each other’s bodies…That was when he saw me and yelled, wrenched himself away and caused her to see me too. Then they both realised who I was. The looks of horror on their faces was immediately imprinted in my brain.

But I was out of that door.

All that happened in the matter of a few seconds. Still, it wasn’t quick enough to stop my mind flooding with images of what had happened all those months ago, when I still had hope that not everyone let you down, when I still thought some people were there for you… when they well and truly ruined that idea for me, forever.

My hand came to my mouth, partly in horror, and then partly because I was feeling everything again – everything I had forced away.

The betrayal suddenly felt fresh once more.

I shouldn’t feel like that, right? I mean, they were _together_. They were perfectly entitled to do whatever they wanted and of course they were…

She was calling after me.

I cursed under my breath, once, twice, and then carried on walking without looking back.

I was embarrassed that I walked in on them, but I would have been embarrassed to walk in on anybody. It was an embarrassing situation on the whole.

That wasn’t the issue here. The issue was that a sharp slap had landed on my face the second I walked in there and saw the same thing I did all those months ago. Only this time, it was the truthful picture of what was going on all along, when I wasn’t there to stop them.

She was still calling after me. Why was she following me?

I was nearly at the stairs.

Why? Just, why the hell?

The two people, the _only_ two people, I was trying to avoid tonight, and I had to walk in on them.

It was the way he said that he loved her that night like that meant everything was justified, that everything they did was okay. The way I realised that they’d both been lying to me for so long… They’d both helped me through so much only to stick the knife straight into my back. And I could still feel it, even now.

“Alex! Alex, wait!”

“Libby… just leave it!” Harvey was yelling after her, but she was still following me down the corridor, not listening to him.

For once Harvey was right. She should just leave it, she needed to just leave it. I couldn’t do, I couldn’t do this…

“Alex-”

“What do you want?!” The yell erupted as I spun around to face her, standing there in nothing but her boyfriend’s shirt that barely covered her butt, cheeks flushed, still panting.

Why the actual hell was she following me? Didn’t she know how this worked? That she couldn’t have me _and_ him? That there was no me in her life the second she decided to go behind my back months ago?

Her mouth opened and closed again, like a goldfish, with nothing to let out except little meaningless bubbles of air. It was like she was trying to speak to me with those big Bambi-eyes instead, but I was in no mood to listen, not at all.

“I’m sorry…I- I didn’t mean for you, for you to see that,” She finally stuttered,

“I don’t think you meant anyone to see it,” I scoffed, “But he is your boyfriend, do what you like.”

“I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Oh, I knew what you meant,” I purposefully cut her off, “I just don’t care.”

“Hey!”

I simply glanced at Harvey over her shoulder from where he stood, still in the bedroom doorway, and shut him down with one look. Was this him coming to the rescue? Nice to know he was capable of supporting _someone_ in his life. But right now, I really didn’t care that he was finally fulfilling the big boyfriend role with her that he had so clearly desired for so long.

No, right now I was too busy to care. Too busy putting an end to this, right here, right now. This, this mess of her trying to get me back, or feeling guilty, or whatever… I was done with it.

She had been my best friend, the closest person I had for a while, the only person I had for a while. Libby was the first person to talk to me on my first day at school. I was still in so much pain and hadn’t been allowed the time to grieve properly before I was packed up in a couple of boxes and shipped off to live with my semi-absent parent. Back then, she had meant everything to me, because I had nothing else.

And then she introduced me to Harvey. She had spent months trying to get us together. She said it would be good for me, that he would be good for me. She said I needed to start over, start enjoying myself again. And slowly, with her by my side, I had.

Harvey cheating on me had hurt, but Libby… she was my best friend, and that meant more to me than any guy that I was dating. Harvey was an asshole, an asshole I fancied sure, but still an asshole. He often drank around me, even though he knew I didn’t like it. He drove way too fast and complained when I asked him to slow down. His answer to my problems seventy percent of the time was to tell me to get over myself, that it didn’t matter, or that I was being stupid.

But Libby was the kindest heart in the entire world… and that was why her betrayal stung so much more. Because I never expected it, because it came out of nowhere, because she set me up with him, knowing he liked her, and she liked him… because she used me.

If Harvey was with me then she could move on, right? Everyone was happy. Especially me, oblivious little me that had just lost her mother and was so desperate for someone, anyone, to care about her that she would blindly hook up with the guy her best friend suggested, never realising there could be any other intentions behind it.

She used me.

And was never going to forgive her for that.

“I’m not going to do this with you anymore.” I said as clearly as I could, “I need you to stay away from me and never come near me again.”

“But-”

“You made your choice, how else did you think it was gonna play out?” The rise of inflection in my voice was harsh, but I needed to get it through her thick skull, “Did you think that I was ever going to forgive you? That I’d still want you anywhere near me?”

She sniffled, then choked, and then the pearly tears were rolling down her cheeks. “I- I’m so sorry…Y-you’re my best friend Al,”

She reached for me, but I pulled away. “I need you…”

For once, I didn’t sound like the pathetic one.

The trying to get me back was almost worse than committing the betrayal in the first place. I was sick and tired of her trying to talk to me, trying to make it better - as if that was possible. How the hell was I ever meant to be able to move on from what they did if they weren’t going to leave alone to do it?

They should be happy. She should be happy. She got what she wanted.

She chose him. And if she was regretting it now, well, it wasn’t my problem.

“You should have thought about that before screwing me over.” My serious face dropped into a sort of snarl before I turned to leave.

But I couldn’t just yet. At the sound of another sniffle, something inside me snapped, because there was no way, no way in hell, I was ever going to feel even an inch of remorse for the girl standing there. She didn’t even have the right to be upset, this was her decision, this was all on her.

It almost made me laugh though, how she didn’t even know it yet. She was so caught in her little bubble that revolved around her perfect little life to realise what she had done.

She reminded me of Bella.

She wasn’t crying because she was genuinely sorry, she was crying because she had lost something that made her life good… Well, now she knew how it felt.

I swung back around, getting right up in her blotchy, sniffly face, half-buried in her hands. For once, I didn’t feel a hint of remorse for what I said next.

“You know, you are the worst type of person,” I told her, “You are a selfish coward.”

I pulled away one final time, glare hardening on her shaking frame, “Don’t come near me again.”

A horrible sense of satisfaction filled my being as I walked away and left her there, descending the stairs slowly, breathing heavily and realising exactly what I had just done. I couldn’t bring myself to regret it though. Not one little bit.

***

I was feeling good, great even. The awful sense of pride at my actions was yet to wear away and I was basking in my small, internal victory as I enjoyed my time with my friends.

Somehow the confrontation with they-who-shall -not-be-named had lifted some of the weight pressing down on my shoulders, and I’d found myself chatting with people, both new and known, dancing - and even singing - along to the disastrous pop music pouring into my ears.

I felt a bit like my old self again.

I could hear an enormously loud snort from behind me as I left the others on the couches, that very obviously came from a quite drunk Ashley. She was still there with Quil and Jacob– who was sober enough to give her a lift home - though honestly, Jake looked like he would rather be anywhere other than third-wheeling with them, a bottle clutched in his hands as he looked around aimlessly. Maybe he wasn’t as much of a party boy as he made out.

I was currently hunting down my best friend, who I hadn’t seen since coming back downstairs (after I had actually sought out a toilet), and I couldn’t spot him even now in the crowd. We probably should be thinking about getting out of here soon anyway, I didn’t know what time it was, but slowly the buzz of the party was starting to die down and if I knew one thing for sure, it was that I didn’t want to be the last person left in this house when everyone else was gone – I had a feeling I wouldn’t be very welcome after my performance.

The thought of which surprisingly made me smile.

A sudden collision with my side had me twisting out of the way, but I looked up and it was only Jason walking past. I called out to him - maybe he’d know where Embry was, I had kind of abandoned the two of them together - but it was almost like he didn’t hear me as he just strode past, not stopping for a second. There was something off about his demeanour, and I considered following him because he definitely would have heard my shout and it wasn’t like Jason just to ignore me, but he was gone just too quickly.

It struck me that maybe he’d seen his sister and that he was now mad at me. I may have been a bit harsh, but she deserved it. Normally, when I got upset with someone, I always had the urge just to apologise and fix it as quickly as possible, taking the blame even if it wasn’t my fault. But now, there was nothing there. I searched for the guilt, but there wasn’t any to feel. Maybe that would have changed by the time I woke up tomorrow, but right now I wasn’t going to act on nothing.

I finally spotted Embry’s wavy, collarbone length hair in the kitchen, hunched over one of the counters.

“Hey, Em!”

He looked over his shoulder at the sound of his name, but instantly I saw something was strange, something was off. And then I got closer and saw the bottle in his grasp, his hand wrapped tightly around the base, and his jaw clenched like it did when he was thinking too hard about something.

“Hey, uh,” he followed my eyes and suddenly realised his mistake, cursing under his breath.

“You’re drinking,” I observed, raising my eyebrows at him.

“Yeah,” He sighed, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Give me a few minutes and I’ll be fine.”

He rubbed his forehead as he stood up a little straighter, but even now his eyes were slightly glazed over.

“I don’t think so buddy,” I shook my head at him,

I wasn’t mad at all, I mean he was meant to be my ride, but I was more concerned about his welfare. Embry swallowed, and it was like he was trying to swallow something other than alcohol down. His eyes were on his feet, a habit of his when he didn’t want to look me in the eye. I hadn’t seen him like this many times before. The last time, was after we kissed, and that lasted for about two weeks.

I suppose, he could have just got into the swing of the party and simply forgotten about our deal, picking a bottle when everyone else did. But that didn’t strike me as something Embry would do. “Are you okay?” My voice was softer, and he suddenly looked up like a deer in the headlights.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He said far too quickly, running a hand through his hair, “Seriously, I’m good. I’ll just get a glass of water,”

He wasn’t, but I let it go, for now.

“Get Jake to take you home.” I told him, “It’s fine, I saw my friend from History heading out – I’m sure they’ll give me a lift back if I ask.”

“No, no, I’ll be fine in a bit.” Embry protested, “I’m nowhere near drunk.”

“I don’t care.”

Again, there was no maliciousness or anger in my tone, but I wasn’t about to negotiate. I wasn't going to get in a car with anyone who’d touched alcohol this evening, it simply wasn’t going to happen.

Embry nodded in understanding, head hanging in slight shame, “Sorry Al,”

“It’s not a problem,” I reached up to rub his arm, “See you later,”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, moving past to assumedly go and find the others.

No hug, that was also strange. Another day, this was going to require some serious questioning. But not tonight.

If I was quick I could catch Katy – who seemed the closest thing to sober when I saw her a few minutes ago.

Stepping outside the house was a harsh reminder of how late it was, the cold night air instantly nipping at my cheeks. I pulled my jacket tighter around my waist, making my way back down the front stairs, trying to spot her and her friends from the higher vantage point.

There she was.

I went to carry on my descent but was halted at a loud voice calling my name. I turned back to see who it was… and then quickly turned around again, hurrying my pace a little more.

But this time, it was he who followed me.

When I reached the bottom of the steps I tried to carry on walking, but he was still following, and he was catching up to me faster than I could outwalk him. As he yelled my name again, I let out a puff of breath that was visible in the lamplight, before turning to face him.

Honestly, this was the last thing I expected him to be doing.

“Shouldn’t you be inside?” I asked Harvey, “You know, with your _girlfriend_.”

“You just couldn’t leave it could you?!” He cried, striding right up in front of me, “You couldn’t just walk away!”

“She came after me!” I fired back at him,

He scoffed, his bottom teeth jutting out like they always did when he was mad, features distorted as he stared me down. But I wasn’t going to back away, not this time.

“You’re trying to tell me that didn’t come and find us on purpose?” He sneered, lip curling up unattractively, “You’re pathetic.”

“I’m the pathetic one?” I asked him in disbelief, not quite believing what I was hearing, “Whose chasing after who right now?”

He shook his head, coming right up close – as close as I got with Libby, breathing right in my face.

“You need to leave us alone.”

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do!” I cried, throwing my arms out, “It’s not my fault if your girlfriend can’t take a hint!”

My hands went to his chest, pushing him away from me. My chest was tightening at his audacity right now. Had I not made myself clear to both of them upstairs? I didn’t want to be anywhere near either of them. How the hell was any of this my fault?

“You know, I always knew you were a bitch, but I never knew you were such a petty one.” He said, shaking his head at me. “I. Left. You. Get over it.”

Okay, that made me angry. Really angry. My fists clenched and unclenched at my sides. God, I wanted to punch him so much. How dare he?

“You didn’t leave me, you _cheated_ on me,” I emphasised the word as if that would help get it through his thick skull, in which apparently, I was still some schoolgirl obsessed with him.

I was trying to remain completely calm though, he wanted a rise out of me, I knew he did. That’s all Harvey ever wanted. “You really think I’d be this mad if you’d just dumped me, Harvey? Please, you’re not that special.”

And he really wasn’t. Looking at him right now, it was like I was truly seeing it for the first time. He was an asshole, and that’s all he was.

“You just can’t stand seeing me with someone better than you. That’s what it is.” He insisted, eyes narrowing as his eyes wandered up and down my body. “But is it anyone’s guess why I left you for her? I mean look at you.” he laughed, but it was an empty, humourless laugh that made me feel sick, “Come on sweetie,” He cooed in the most condescending tone possible, “There’s no competition.”

That should have hurt, I knew it was meant to hurt. That’s why he said it. He knew how I felt standing next to Libby, how anyone would feel standing next to her. But it just made the twitching anger expand across the surface of my body.

Who was he to judge me on my appearance? Who was he to try and make me feel inferior to a girl who would betray her friends in the blink of an eye?

Surprisingly, it was Paul’s words that I heard echoing in my head instead of Harvey's. More specifically, the look in his eyes when he talked to me, asking me out on a date. And when I looked back up at Harvey, all I saw was him standing here, preaching about himself, when in reality… he was nothing compared to Paul.

He never had been.

“And whilst you’re still around you’ll just keep screwing things up for us. I can’t even-” Harvey kept ranting, even though I didn’t care one little bit, “without her breaking down, because of you.”

Again I was met with the memory of Paul’s hand against my skin, and the way it made me feel. He had come to find me, when he had missed our date, he had come to find me. And he cared, there was no doubting that. I may not know why or understand how, but he did.

And I said no to him because of what Harvey had done to me.

The boy, this kid, standing in front of me had formed my whole idea of dating. It all revolved around him, and what a rubbish excuse of an example he was. I looked at him now, face red from yelling, in a bad shirt and a bad haircut, waving his arms all over the place like a petulant child.

I’d let him ruin something that could have been good.

“You’re unbelievable,” I muttered, interrupting his dramatic monologue, “So far stuck up your own arse to think I still give a damn about you.”

“Keep telling yourself sweetheart,” He slowly came up close again, his eyes looking down into mine.

They were such a boring shade of brown.

“But both you and I know the truth.” His voice went soft, but the nice kind of soft, not the kind of soft Paul used. “You’re just a sad, lonely, pathetic bitch that’s so desperate for love that the only people who’ll ever give her a second thought are tribal boys with a kink for white gir-”

He didn’t finish his sentence before my fist connected with his face.

As his head went flying to the side, momentum sending his entire body flying away from mine, I just stared at him, a dull pain resonating from my hand.

I just hit him.

His cry of pain was loud enough for anyone outside to hear, but then again, anyone could have heard our argument already.

Harvey was bent double, just recovered from nearly falling flat on his face, and clutching his nose as it seeped blood through his cupped hands.

I stretched out my fist, flexing my fingers slowly at my side.

“You bitch!”

“So you keep saying.”

He groaned in pain again, stumbling further away from me.

I watched him curiously as he stood up straight and moved to throw his head back as if that would somehow alleviate the pain.

That evil satisfaction? It was back again.

I should feel bad right? Or at least ashamed?

I just hit someone.

Not even a slap, no, I’d full-on broken his nose.

I was a non-violent person. I hated hurting other people.

But he deserved it.

He could say what he wanted about me. He could hurl all the insults about who I was, the way I looked, he could call me every name under the sun… but he couldn’t insult _them_.

I would not stand for him diminishing Embry in that way… I wouldn’t let him talk about Paul like that. Never.

“Go to hell!”

I looked down one more time at Harvey, hands finally coming away from his face to reveal a scarlet spattered and crooked nose, bruises already forming around the injury. I found myself looking at him with nothing other than a blankness.

I wasn’t angry anymore, at either of them, because anger required a modicum of care. Why the hell should I give a damn about anyone so pitiful?

So, I smiled at him, a sadistic smile that would have Ashley cheering from the rooftops, and replied nonchalantly,

“Gladly.”

This time when I walked away, no one followed me. And for the first occasion in my life, I was happy about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!
> 
> I know I promised Paul in this one, but it ended up a bit longer than I planned, so the original chapter has been split in two. Still, you got the confrontations you wanted, so I guess that's something right? How do you feel about Alex landing one on Harvey? Or how she went off on one at Libby? Were they completely justified? (I want to make clear that I do not condone physical violence in any situation)
> 
> I also know I said I'd get it up earlier, but I've had a bit of a stressful time recently, so please forgive me for not updating sooner. I really enjoy writing, but things like this tend to require a certain mood and a headspace I've struggled to reach recently, but I'm trying to get back on track!
> 
> In other news, I have a new story! It's a Harry Potter fanfic, Fred Weasley X OC, so if you're a fan of this fandom please go check it out if you have time!
> 
> I hope you're all well and keeping safe xx


	18. Part Two- XII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'They weren't just brown eyes, they were his brown eyes.'
> 
> WARNING: Use of language

I made sure to close the door quietly behind me as I entered the house, the click of the lock clearly heard in the silence. The lights weren’t out like I expected them to be, a lamp still lit where it stood on the coffee table a faint glow coming from the kitchen. The pillow and folded blanket Dad used still lay on the sofa. I let out a small sigh, feeling all the exhaustion of the past few days creep up on me as soon as I stepped inside. Putting my set of keys back in the bowl, I quickly slipped off my shoes and coat and made my way towards the kitchen.

I was surprised to see Dad sat at the table, hunched over a steaming cup, head staring down at the liquid it contained. A floorboard creaked under my foot, alerting him to my hesitant entry, and he immediately looked up, what appeared to be a small breath of relief leaving his mouth. I actually found myself feeling a bit sheepish standing in front of him, there was something about the circles of exhaustion under his eyes in the lack of light that made me chew on my lip timidly.

I hung back in the doorway, the buzz the party had left me with slowly draining away. I knew I’d have to come back to real life sooner or later, and I guess this was it.

“Hi,”

“You’re home,” Dad said,

I nodded. He didn’t seem angry, but he was never a person who got angry anyway, and nowadays, it didn’t seem like he had enough energy in him to be anything other than tired.

He sighed again, rubbing his hands over his face and through his uncombed hair, before looking back up at me, “Where you been Al?” he asked, voice rough, “It’s been three days.”

“I texted.”

And I had, I’d always made sure to let him know where I was staying the night and who I was with during the days. Just because I couldn’t face being in the house, didn’t mean I wanted to put him through any more stress. Knowing him as Sheriff, I would have a whole squad of cars out searching for me if I disappeared for long without communication of any sort.

“Yeah… yeah, I got them.” His hands went back to the mug, “Didn’t stop me worrying sick about you though,”

“I’m sorry.”

That was all I seemed to be able to say. I was sorry that I had worried him, but not sorry enough to regret not coming home. I needed these few days of space to get my head together or I would have fallen apart completely. And look what I had done now I had escaped. I’d finally started to get my life straight, I was enjoying things for the first time in what felt like as long as I could remember. I went to a party with my friends and punched my arsehole of an ex, volunteered at the hospital without wanting to full asleep mid-song and most importantly… I’d had time to think again.

And thinking right now was like breathing for the first time after being starved of Oxygen.

I couldn’t go back to being choked like that again, my air supply being slowly cut off more and more until I was wheezing for the slightest breath without even knowing it.

So I couldn’t apologise for leaving when I wasn’t in the least sorry for getting out of that suffocating bubble that revolved around Bella.

“Did she tell you?” I asked quietly, “Did she tell you why she’s like this?”

His face told me she did. He didn’t need words to answer.

My eyebrows folded and I swallowed, trying to swallow down the resentment that was starting to rise again.

He knew the truth, but as far as I could see, it hadn’t changed anything.

He was never going to do anything about it. He wasn’t even going to try. Because he loved her too much to do anything other than be there for her, getting up night after night to comfort her, no matter the consequences for everyone else.

Because Bella always came first.

“He left her Dad,” I said, eyes beginning to sting, “That’s all he did. I haven’t slept for months…” My voice seemed to choke on the words, because I knew they wouldn’t make a difference, he would never do what I was asking. I shook my head, almost collapsing in on myself.

Suddenly, I was once again just so tired, and I wanted my home back.

Even when he got up and pulled his arms around me, Dad didn’t really know what to do. He never had, and how could he? He was barely there for the first years of my life. He didn’t know what to do with the daughter he had never intended to have.

Finally, a sob escaped my mouth, a loud, ugly, gulping sob as my shoulders shook under his arms, “I can’t do it anymore…I’m sorry,”

***

It’s funny how emotions can change so quickly.

The exhilaration from when I confronted the two people at the party quickly changed to pride, which had just as quickly fizzled away into this sadness as soon as I got home, and now, now everything had seemed to have decreased. It was like all my feelings had retreated into my shell, as I sat with my hands wrapped around my own mug, slowly sipping at the tea inside.

Dad was sat back in his original chair, slowly finishing off his own cup from earlier. Neither of us seemed to know what to say anymore. We were at a stage where there was nothing more that could be said.

Without words, he had made his choice, the same choice I knew he would make, the same choice he would always make. There was no anger at him for making that choice. In a messed-up sort of way, I completely understood it. I had lived my whole life knowing it.

It would always be Bella.

“You had a visitor today,” his voice cut through my resigning thoughts, “Seemed surprised when I said you weren’t at home.”

“Oh,”

I didn’t need the name to know who he was talking about.

The tightening in my stomach told me enough.

Honestly, my mind hurt just thinking about Paul. Yes, talking to Harvey again, and seeing the full extent of how small a person he really was made me realise how much I cared about Paul, and how clear it was that he cared about me too… but it wasn’t that simple.

“You talked to him?”

I shook my head a little, “Not really,”

The last time he had tried to call was before the party, but if he had done it again since, I may have been inclined to answer. After everything that happened, I knew just ignoring him wasn’t the solution. He didn’t deserve that and neither did I.

But I still couldn’t trust him. And it wasn’t because I thought he would let me down like that again, not really, it was because even when I gave him the chance, he couldn’t give me a reason behind what happened, and just saying sorry wasn't enough anymore. It couldn’t be enough.

I'd come too far to fall back like that.

I sighed when I realised what this conversation with Dad really was.

This was his silent plea, trying to show that he did care. It wasn’t needed because I knew he did, I knew he loved me and I knew he wanted to be my Dad. But he was reminding me at the same time as asking me to forgive him for putting Bella first, again.

He didn’t need to ask forgiveness though, because although it hurt, I knew it would be like that, and I had accepted it.

I took a small sip of the warm liquid, trying to soothe my throat, still a little hoarse from crying, before letting out a sigh, “It’s complicated.”

“You know,” his hand reached across the table and gestured to my heart, “Sometimes you just have to listen to this,” His finger then moved to my head, “And forget about this for a while.”

I was always surprised when dad came out with something wise, he never seemed to be a thinker, not like me. I got that from mum. The overthinkers of the world she used to call us, the people whose heads produce a million thoughts a minute and doubt every other feeling in their bodies.

I took a while and thought about what he said. My heart would lead me straight back to Paul, but I couldn’t just ignore what I knew, or more, what I didn’t know. I knew how he made me feel, but that was basically it. What did I actually solidly know about Paul Lahote, compared to what he knew about me? It felt like nothing.

I knew he was kind, I knew that he cared, I knew who he was in a weird way that I couldn’t put into words… but what more was there? It felt like I was missing something, something big.

“I think I’m gonna head to bed,” I said finally, finishing the last of my drink and putting the cup in the sink.

“Okay,” Dad replied as I went to leave the room, before pausing, “Are you going to be here this week?”

His question stopped me in the doorway. A small pang in my chest. It looked like it hurt him to ask. His youngest daughter was spending more time outside of her home than in it, and part of that was down to him.

“I don’t know,” I said,

“…Just let me know when you work it out, yeah?”

“Okay,” I replied, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

***

I didn’t get up that night. Instead, I plugged a pair of headphones into my iPod and let a shuffle of music play in my ears throughout the entire thing. It didn’t stop me from waking up at the sound, but it did help.

Morning, surprisingly, didn’t seem to come too soon. My eyes lazily fluttered open and closed as I awoke, blurred flecks of dust glinting in the streak of light before me that had escaped through a gap in the curtains.

I got dressed, packed my bag and grabbed an apple from the bowl, the untied laces of my boats tapping against the floor as I shuffled along the corridor. A quick flick through the blinds revealed that the cruiser had already pulled out, and dad was likely already at the station. It was a bitterly cold morning, so I’d made sure to grab an even thicker than normal woolly jumper to wear under my coat. I’d be surprised if I didn’t wake up to snow in the next few days.

After sending a text to Katy, thanking her for the lift last night (she and her friends had actually hung around to watch the fight that unfolded between Harvey and me – something I couldn’t even be irritated about since we did have it right in front of the house where everyone could have seen), I spent fifteen minutes hunting around for a pair of gloves that actually matched, only to give up and accept that I was going to be rocking one blue hand and one black hand today.

Just I was about to leave, Bella came down the stairs. She stopped when she saw me and I stopped too, waiting for her to say something if she wanted to. She had gotten dressed already, but like always these days, there was no jewellery on her wrists or around her neck and she was in the same pair of worn jeans and brown top she nearly always was. Bella seemed to swallow as if struggling to speak,

“Have a good day,” I said when she seemed to lose the words,

“You too,”

That was it. That was our conversation.

She went into the kitchen and I grabbed my patchwork rucksack and left the house, closing the door behind me and pulling on a woolly hat as I went.

I couldn’t believe it was nearly Christmas. Dad would want to put up the decorations soon, nearly every other house in Forks already had lights and trees up, we were slacking in comparison to some of the neighbours. I hadn’t even thought about presents either, a shopping trip would be required sooner rather than later. I’m sure neither Ashley or Lucy would be averse to a trip, despite the rush at sales that were bound to already be happening.

It was bitterly cold, when I stepped outside, even colder than I thought it would be. The temperature seemed to have plummeted even since last night, it almost felt too cold for snow – even though that made no sense in reality. Outside the house, the world seemed to be frozen, like the earth had become a solid block of ice beneath my feet – except not slippery. Immediately I was shivering, despite the long-sleeved shirt, thick jumper, coat, hat and gloves I was wearing. I swear I was built to live in a warmer climate than Forks – even though my old home wasn’t that different in terms of weather.

At first, I was so preoccupied with freezing my own butt off, I didn’t notice the unknown car pulled up in the drive, but when _he_ stepped out of it, I couldn’t even pretend that I didn’t see. I mean, pretending to be oblivious to his existence didn’t work the first time in the parking lot, but still, that was my first instinct. My gut wanted me to turn on my heel and run straight back into the house, slam the door behind me, and call in sick for the day. A bit dramatic I know, but despite admitting that we did need to talk again and that I was ready to do so in a way I wasn’t before, it wasn’t going to be easy. And a large part of my mind, the part replaying our last conversation on repeat, was screaming at me that I couldn’t do it.

Then, I took a second to look at him. I really looked. And every thought like that was thrown from my mind. I was yelling out to him before my mouth could even stop its movements.

“What the hell are you doing?!” I cried, rushing down the steps towards the half-naked boy on my driveway.

Half-naked, in the absolute freezing cold.

He was going to get himself killed.

Upon hearing my voice, Paul suddenly jerked up from where he was casually slouched and his face went through a remarkable array of emotions in just a few seconds. Firstly, he seemed to let out a sigh of relief, which very quickly morphed into confusion as I yelled at him, and then maybe even a little bit of fear as I stormed up closer.

I wrapped my coat tighter around me when a cold breeze hit, unable to pull my eyes away from his bare torso – and not because of his abs. “Are you crazy?”

Now he looked oblivious, and I just wanted to slap him. I didn’t care how cool he thought he looked displaying his incredible figure for everyone to see all the time, that was completely his prerogative, but right now he was literally welcoming frostbite with open arms, the idiot.

He just stared at me, eyes wide – probably surprised that I was saying anything to him at all. After all, I had given him the literal cold shoulder for three days straight. I suppose right now I looked like a bit of a madwoman marching up to him and the first words I said to be shouted aloud – but honestly, I didn’t care. “Get inside now,”

He obeyed my order without a word, following me back up the porch steps, but only stepping over the threshold into the house when I gave him a pointed look for just standing there on the doorstep.

He thought I didn't want him here.

Now my heart was going again. After getting over the initial shock of feeling like I had to save him from imminent death, I realised that not only had I opened the door on this house but on this conversation too, whether I wanted it or not.

“What’s wrong with you?” I huffed, pulling off my gloves again and stuffing them back in my pockets now we were inside and there was a solid wooden door between me and that horrible winter.

And still, he was just giving me this blank look.

Honestly, I didn’t think he even knew what I was going on about. He was staring at me like I was going to need to explain, or more likely, he was ready for me to kick him straight back out again.

I pulled off my hat too, running a hand through my hair to try and remove the weird static that had built up underneath the wool – trying to make myself look at least a little presentable.

“It’s like 30 degrees out and you’re running around in a pair of cutoffs?” I scoffed at him, almost at the point of laughing, “That’s just asking for hypothermia!”

I made my way back into the kitchen, and Paul silently followed, only realising I was waiting for him to talk when I raised my eyebrows at his absence of explanation.

“I was working,”

“Oh yeah?” I unzipped my coat too, it was much warmer in the house than outside thankfully, “What profession requires you to be running around half-naked in the middle of winter?”

He laughed.

And I would be lying if I said it didn’t make my heart jump just a little bit, seeing his eyes crinkle like that and mouth widen into an amused smile. I didn’t get what was funny though.

“What?”

He shook his head, “You’re just talking to me, that’s all.”

I was struck with that line; I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with that. His eyes properly met mine for the first time. And just like that, my mouth dried up completely.

The thing was, they weren’t just brown eyes, they were his brown eyes.

They held a look that always managed to render me speechless, that made my heart jump and freeze all at the same time, that made me feel like he understood it all and yet was asking a thousand questions simultaneously.

Intense. That was the word to describe them.

It was so intense that it made me forget what I was thinking about, what I was doing. I lost the ability to think coherently, speak clearly, or do anything other than stare back at them. So I turned away, letting out a small cough to cover up my stumble.

“Yeah, well… only cos I’m pissed off,” I shook him off, taking a breath before I faced him again, “Seriously, you’ll make yourself sick.”

He still had an amused smile on his face, “I don’t think that’s likely.”

Was he really that stupid? I knew teenage boys had this undefeatable complex about them, but he wasn’t dumb enough to honestly believe he was immune to the cold? I mean, it was crazy enough that he wasn’t completely immobile and shaking all over the place already.

Paul clearly saw I wasn’t impressed and made his way around the table, raising his hand to my cheek, “Look I’m fine.”

When the warmth of his palm suddenly radiated against my frozen cheek I jerked back in shock. But Paul saw the movement, and when I looked at him, I knew he saw it as something different. My mind was brought back to when I flinched away from him and how it looked like I’d stuck a knife straight through his chest… he looked the same when he pulled away now.

That was enough to distract me from the impossibility of his body temperature for the moment because I hated that look on his face. I hated it so much, and I hated that I was the one to make him feel like that – both times – even though it was unconscious.

“Do you want a drink?” I offered, opening the cupboard to pull out two mugs even though he hadn’t replied yet, “I’m making a coffee so…”

I didn’t want a coffee.

I just couldn’t bear to see him like that.

“It’s quarter to eight,” He rose his eyebrows at the clock on the wall, a little bit of that face ebbing away and being replaced with amusement again.

“Hot chocolate then?”

He hummed, “Hot chocolate’s good.”

He smiled.

I smiled back.

Setting the kettle to boil, I set to work throwing some hot chocolate powder into each mug and pulling the milk out of the fridge. Now, if I was really trying to impress I would have just boiled the milk straight, everyone knows that that makes a superior cup, but it was too much of a faff for my morning brain.

I snuck a glance over my shoulder at Paul as I made our mugs, his eyes studying the room about him. He looked so awkward standing there, despite being at ease leaning against the wall by the doorway. It was like he was two times too big for the room, his broad bronzed frame contrasting against the pale green walls and cabinet – I had to admit Dad did not have the best interior design skills.

The sight made me want to smile a little, or laugh, I didn’t know which or why. It struck me that this was actually the first time Paul had ever been inside my house, and I’d only ever seen his once from the outside. There was really so little that we knew about each other, it was like I barely knew him at all, and yet he was able to give me all this feeling just with his presence. Staring at him, butterflies erupted in my stomach the same way they always did, and not just because he was so damn attractive. The emotional connection that I felt when he was around was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Honestly, it scared the hell out of me.

My hand was shaking slightly as I handed him his cup, smile small and shy as he silently thanked me. We seemed to both fall back into the comfort of silence, which was nerve-wracking in reality, as we each took a seat at the table. I chose to watch out the window instead of watching Paul, sipping my drink slowly in hope that the warm chocolate would calm my frantic inner monologue.

What should I say next? What do I even want to say?

“I thought you were making yourself coffee?"

“Huh?” I was so lost in my own little panic I didn’t register Paul’s words at first,

“I thought you wanted coffee?”

“Oh uh,” I glanced down guiltily at my cup, “I actually don’t like coffee.”

He let out a chuckle at my sheepish smile, shaking his head a little. I couldn’t help a small laugh escaping my mouth too, lip rolling between my teeth at the confession.

A sudden noise in the doorway pulled me out of that little bubble though. Bella appeared in the doorway, now wearing a jacket and with her hair pulled back into a low ponytail.

“Hi,”

“Hey,” I replied softly. In my surprise at her talking first, I momentarily forgot who was sat next to me, “Oh, uh, Bella this is Paul. Paul this is Bella, my sister.”

It sucked that it felt weird to say those words. My sister. The title didn’t really suit our relationship anymore,

“Nice to meet you,” Paul said, offering her a kind smile.

My heart dropped though, when Bella just grimaced and nodded, picking out a red apple from the bowl and slipping it into her rucksack. I think Paul caught my face dropping because his own expression changed, so I quickly slid back out of it making sure to keep my features neutral.

“Do you want a drink?” I asked her, “Kettle’s just boiled,”

“No thanks,” Bella murmured.

And then she was gone again. Just like that.

I watched the empty doorway for a little while after was gone, hearing the front door close behind her as she left. It was almost a year since that kid lost control in the school parking lot and nearly crushed Bella to death between two cars, and I almost couldn’t believe it. The momentary panic that had filled me as I rushed towards her that day, everything that happened with mom flashing before my eyes… that wasn’t the same girl leaving the house right now.

I still cared the same about her, I knew I did. I may have hated her, but that didn’t mean I didn’t care about her. It was the infuriating thing about family, the thing I felt about Dad too, that they weren’t like friends. Unlike Harvey and Libby, I would always care about them. Always.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, turning back to Paul, “She’s,” How to explain? “She’s going through some stuff.”

I was surprised at the understanding I was met with within Paul’s eyes, I wasn’t sure how much he knew about the situation. He couldn’t have known a lot because I hadn’t told him. But I think, somehow, he got it, in a way. Or read it in my eyes, it seemed like he was good at that. Sometimes I thought he knew what I was feeling before I’d even worked it out yet.

His eyes flickered back at the door too, a small frown coming over his face.

“Did you know the Cullens well?”

Caught off guard by his question, my eyes jerked back to his. So, he clearly did know something about Bella then. I didn’t get how though, unless he’d heard about the massive search for Bella the night she went missing, I mean, both Billy and Harry did come to help out and Jake and Embry were there too, so I suppose he could have heard it through the grapevines.

“Um, not really,” I told him, “I saw them around school I guess, and Edward was over a couple of times with Bella, but that’s it…” I couldn’t help but notice his posture relax slightly at my answer, “To be honest,” I admitted, “They kind of freaked me out a bit so I tended to stay clear, why d’you ask?”

“It doesn’t matter,” He shook me off, but he was biting back what looked like a smile, and was that pride, in his eyes?

I was puzzled, but I let it go. There were more important things we needed to talk about than Bella’s old boyfriend.

I wrapped my hands back around my mug, raising it to my lips, but Paul halted my movement before I could lift it more than an inch, his arm reaching across towards my own.

“What happened to your hand?”

Oh. That.

I had woken up to the reason behind my hand throbbing slightly last night, my knuckles a weird faded brown and green colour. I actually found myself smiling at the bruises when I first saw them, it was a reminder that it all really happened and wasn’t some crazy dream I’d concocted in my exhausted mind. But, I was surprised that Paul even managed to notice, the bruising was so minimal – especially for a first-time puncher (I thanked Ash’s impromptu boxing lessons in the middle of the school hall) – that even I could barely see them in the light of the kitchen.

Well, it seemed like there was no getting past him and his keen observation skills. I didn’t think it was wrong of me to assume that Paul had punched someone before, or at least some inanimate objects, so a clever lie probably wasn’t going to cut it.

“I punched someone.”

If he was surprised, he didn’t appear it. There was no judgement in his eyes, only careful consideration as he took my hand gently in his own and ran his thumb across the damaged knuckles. An image of the very first time we met flashed into my head, with me studying his cut-up fists in the moonlight. The trail his finger left caused sparks on the back of my hand as it soaked up the unexplainable warmth his skin emitted.

“Who?” he asked quietly.

“My ex.”

His eyes rose to find mine again as they always did and I swallowed deeply, realising it was surprisingly easy to find the words needed to tell him. “Hey er, he cheated on me. With my best friend, so…”

His grip on my hand tightened a little, but nowhere near enough to hurt, just enough to be holding it properly.

“When?”

“Nine months ago now…” I didn’t realise how long ago it was, or how much had happened since, until I said it out loud, “Actually it’s pretty ironic. Remember that first night we met, out on the cliff?”

“Of course I remember,” He sounded almost offended that I thought he may have forgotten.

“Well,” I continued, “Let's just say La Push wasn't the initial destination I had in mind,” I shook my head, “Only when I arrived at his house, I wasn’t exactly met with the comfort I had in mind.”

Paul’s shoulders started to rise and fall more heavily and I knew what was happening. His eyebrows drew together, irises darkening.

I ran my lips between my teeth once more, “But that’s not why I hit him.”

“Why did you?”

“Because he insulted Embry... and you,” I admitted,

“Oh,”

“So, I broke his nose,” I declared, “Though I know it was a really stupid mov – are you smiling?”

I cut myself off, watching as Paul’s lips twitched at the corners of his mouth, his eyes no longer so dark, but rather smirking alongside the rest of him.

“No,” He tried to conceal it, “I just, well…” He gave up, “Yeah. It is pretty badass.”

The way he said it made my stomach flip a little, but differently to normal. How he was looking at me, it was as if, it was like he found it… hot, almost. The thought alone was enough to make the heat rise underneath my own skin.

But, no. I shouldn’t feel like that, not when it’s because I hit someone! He shouldn’t be reacting like this either.

“It was an awful thing to do!” I tried to protest, but even I couldn’t prohibit the grin as I shook my head, trying to rid of the force pulling my mouth into a smile.

“Believe me,” he said, chest resonating with a low growl “I’d do a lot worse if I ever saw that son of a-”

“Paul!”

His eyes widened in realisation, and he suddenly pulled away and was out of his chair, cursing under his breath as he turned his back to me.

“I’m sorry. I just…” He heaved a deep breath, standing up straighter again, “No wonder you told me where to stick it…”

I shook my head from where I was sat, “It’s not the same at all.” I told him, “I think, maybe for a while I thought it was… but it’s not.”

I got up from my chair and approached him, his back still to me. My hand reached up, gently placing itself against his shoulder, so he turned to face me again, with those beautiful eyes. And my arms came up and wrapped around his torso, head leaning against his rising and falling chest. Sometimes words weren’t enough, it felt like Paul needed something more than words, some kind of action, to make him hear what I was saying. To be honest, I wanted to be near him too.

“You’re nothing like him,” I whispered, the words as much of a message to myself as it was to him,

His arms came up and wrapped around me too, and it was like everything was fixed. “Look,” I breathed in his warm scent, “I don’t even care about what happened anymore, I just need to know why it did.”

I was shocked when he pulled away from me.

“I can’t tell you that.”

There was a firmness in his voice that caught me on edge. He was outright refusing to give me an explanation. Did he not think that I deserved at least that? I thought he wanted to fix things…

“I can’t just let it go if you don’t give me a reason why,” I said, not understanding where he was coming from. It wasn’t like I was asking for much, I didn’t get it.  
  
“I can’t.”

I shook my head and took another step away, the distance between us growing again. Hurt bloomed in my chest at his blatant dismissal.

“Then the issue isn’t me trusting you,” I said quietly, “It’s that you don’t trust me.”

I walked back to the table and began to gather up the half-drunken mugs of hot chocolate, breaths threatening to become uneven. I wasn’t going to cry, but I felt like I wanted to. He’d asked me to trust him, and I had, and he had let me down, and yet here I was, ready to trust him again and he couldn’t even trust me enough to provide a simple explanation for why he let me down in the first place…

“You’re wrong,” Paul insisted, “I do trust you,”

The cups clanged against the sink as he came up behind me. I could feel the hairs on my neck rise, but I ignored them, my body’s reaction to him overthrown by the hurt in my chest. “You really think I’d still be here if I didn’t care?”

“They’re not the same thing Paul,”

He lets out a silent groan of frustration and I can hear his feet shuffling behind me. He’s probably running a hand through his hair,

“I can’t tell you alright!” His volume suddenly rose, and he cursed loudly enough for me to look at him again, the internal battle evident on his face, “I’m not good at this… at this word stuff, okay? But it’s not that I don’t trust you, I do, I really fucking do… I just don’t want you to know.”

He sighed, and it was like he collapsed inwards, the tall stance of his body caving in on itself. He came closer again, his hands coming to my arms, rubbing small circles on the sides of them as he looked down at his feet, and then back up at my face. I wasn’t sure what to do, watching him seemingly fight himself on the inside whilst I watched.

“There’s,” He shook his head, and I knew he was trying to force the words out for my sake, even though they didn’t want to come, “There’s stuff in my life that I’m not ready for you to know yet.”

The sentence is quiet, but it hits me hard… because I hadn’t thought about it like that before. Never once had it crossed my mind that the reason why he never turned up was because of something personal, something that he wasn’t willing to share yet, I just thought… I don’t know what I thought.

His head dropped, like it was hanging in shame, “I’m sorry,” He whispered, “I’m really fucking sorry but I can’t…”

I pressed him close to me, my heart giving in. His chest broke out in choked little pants arms moving round to fully envelop me, holding me closer than I think he ever had before, fists clutching the material of my jumper tightly, head pressed against the top of my own.

Slowly, his shoulder’s stopped shaking, and he was able to take a deep breath, inhaling against my hair.

“It’s easier to breathe when I’m with you.”

His confession was so quiet against his thudding heartbeat that I almost didn’t hear it.

“It is for me too,” I whispered in return,

“I can’t lose you, I don’t want to lose you… but I can’t… I just…”

“I know,” I stopped him, “It’s okay.”

“What?” For such a huge person, his words seemed so small.

“It’s okay. I get it. And I don’t want to lose you either… I don’t think I could take losing another good thing in my life.”

I was admitting that to myself, not him. I thought that I deserved a decent explanation, that I needed one to know that he was different from the rest and to make sure that I wasn’t going to give myself over to anyone who wasn’t fully ready to give themselves to me too. But he couldn’t give me one, and that hurt. But I’d never considered that it was a part of him he couldn’t share right now. I guess I forgot we all have those parts of our lives that we’re not ready to let out straight away.

Trust, although there, doesn’t come fully formed straight away. It takes time. There were parts of me I wasn’t willing to share, and if what happened was a part of his life he wasn’t ready to show, then that was okay. I would still be here when he was.

Because I cared about him, and he cared about me. And I respected him, just as he respected me enough to tell me the truth, even if that truth was, that he didn’t want me to know. He could’ve made up any old excuse and lied for the sake of ease, which would have been easier and certainly less stressful, but he didn’t. And that meant a lot. He trusted me enough to tell there was something hidden in his life, and that alone was enough for me.

Paul was still a good thing in my life and a thing I certainly wasn’t ready to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go! Back together at last! And don't worry, we got that date coming up soon. I put it on hold, but it's still going to happen!
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I know it's been a while waiting for this update, so I hope it was worth it. How long do you think it'll be before Alex finds out the truth? One thing for sure is that it definitely won't be the truth that she's expecting. And what about her relationship with Charlie? That issue had been on the back burner for a while whilst Alex deals with other things blocking her happiness (*cough* Harvey *cough*), but it's still very much there.
> 
> Hope you are all keeping well and safe.
> 
> Don't forget to comment or leave kudos if you like what you read! Seeing the overwhelming support this story is getting means so much to me, so thank you all xx


	19. Part Two- XIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'I caught myself smiling then realised I was thinking of you'

Stepping out of the car at school was just as cold as stepping out of the door first thing this morning – well, it wasn’t exactly first thing, because Lucy’s car was incredibly late pulling up onto the drive – nevertheless, it hadn’t warmed up at all by the time we were hurriedly pulling into the parking lot.

We had a perfectly good reason for being late. Ash’s own car had decided not to start up this morning, apparently it was temperamental in the cold, so, Lucy had to detour to pick up our second friend on her way to my place. The only problem was, Ash lived on the complete other side of town to me, so when the two of them did arrive, it was ten to eight on the clock.

School started at eight.

Despite the frantic rush, in truth, I couldn’t be happier that all of this happened today, because all of it coincided with Paul turning up at mine. If my friends had arrived when they were meant to, the two of us wouldn’t have had the time to talk, and I would still be caught up in that bubble of misunderstanding we’d seemed to form around ourselves. And I certainly wouldn’t have a re-do date tonight.

I had to admit though, I wasn’t all that keen on the speedy driving along icy roads that I’d had to endure in order to get here before the bell. Nor was I a fan of the relentless questioning I got along the way.

The thing was, Paul and I had left the house at the same time, together. And I was pretty sure that if that wasn’t what gave it away to the two girls watching keenly from the vehicle parked up, the stubborn blush on my cheeks and giddy smile – that I still hadn’t been able to wipe off – would have done the trick. Paul had laughed at my friend’s faces, practically pressed up against the glass car windows, as we descended down the steps. He was still shirtless, much against my constant protests and I warned him that even hypothermia shouldn’t stop him from turning up this time – I was joking of course – mostly.

Even after they two girls had realised that they’d got as much out of me about Paul as they could, the questions still didn’t stop. Instead, they just moved on to the party, and more specifically, what had gone down between me and Harvey. I should have known it was wishful thinking that Katy and her friends would keep what they saw to themselves, she was quite a gossip and they didn’t seem much better. But other people probably had seen too, we did have our fight right in front of the house. What I didn’t expect, however, was that it would have gotten out this fast. Truthfully, Lucy was more annoyed that I hadn’t been the one to tell her personally, whilst Ashley was just plain proud- like, screaming and punching fists in the air proud.

It actually made me feel worse about the whole thing, her being like that. I wasn’t sure if my violent side coming out was something I wanted to be praised or celebrated.

Waking up this morning, I didn’t feel guilty about what happened at all. I truly believed he deserved what he got. I just didn’t like the idea that I found it so easy to resort to physical violence when I preached like a pacifist most of the time. It made me feel like a huge hypocrite.

I was caught between a grim sense of satisfaction and a wave of anger at me being my worst self.

In all honesty, I just wanted to move on and forget the whole thing. It was done now, and neither of them would be bothering me anymore. I could carry on with my life without them both hanging around like a bad smell.

…And I had another date with Paul tonight.

As the car lock clicked behind us, I couldn’t stop my mind from wondering. Did it count as a first date? Or a second? I mean, we never really went on the first one, so I guess that did make this the first. But it was strange, in some ways I felt like I knew him way too well for this be our very first date, yet in others, I felt like I hardly knew him at all. Right now, my brain was zooming in on all the things I didn’t know, like the little stuff… but I guess that’s what the date was for.

“So when’s he picking you up?” Ash asked as we started pacing it across the parking lot towards the double doors, even though we’d arrived, and would still make class, in time.

Clearly, we were back onto the topic of Paul again.

“He’s just gonna pick me up from school.” I shrugged at her, adjusting my rucksack strap on my shoulder.

Ashley suddenly sent me a look that was honestly one of the most terrifying things I had ever seen – not because she was angry or anything – but because it was one of those looks that made you want to rethink your entire life plan. It almost made me stop short on the tarmac, “What?” I asked her,

“He’s just gonna pick you up from here? In all your sweaty school stuff? No, no, no…” She shook her head as we hurried up the steps, “You can’t do that.”

“She’s right,” Lucy added, “Don’t you wanna go home and you know, change into something nice, or something?”

“Honestly, I don’t think he cares what I wear,” I admitted, “He always makes me feel like I look nice,”

Both of them suddenly started making ‘aww’ sounds that made me want to suck the words straight back into my mouth. I was already sounding like one of those gross, gushing, lovesick teenagers, and we hadn’t even gone out yet. Still, it was the truth. Every time I’d seen Paul, some of the times when I’d not been in the greatest of states, he’d always made me feel… attractive.

It was like when he looked at me, he actually saw something beautiful, not just normal me. I wasn’t about to tell him that he needed to get his eyes checked – that I wasn’t actually a model, but rather a slightly below average teenage girl with a wonky mouth and a mild case of acne. And, it wasn’t like he was blind anyway, it was more like he was seeing all of me, flaws and all, but still found me attractive.

I didn’t get how, but he did. Sometimes the looks he gave me veered onto the other side of attractive… looks that instinctively made me roll my lip between my teeth. No one had ever looked at me like that before, and it made me feel, different, from how I’d ever felt. Not that I was about to tell those two any of that.

“But seriously,” Lucy dragged me back to the present, “You called me last time.”

“You called her and not me?”

I ignored Ash’s fake cry of outrage, knowing she didn’t mean it. I mean, Ashley was outrageously beautiful in this striking kind of way, but she had a very particular style of clothing. It was not necessarily one that I could pull off in the same way. I would look more like a toddler playing dress up in her clothes.

“Last time was different,” I explained, pulling open the entrance door, taking a welcome step into the warmer school building.

I didn’t quite know how it was different this time, but, somehow it was. Maybe it was because there’d been a lot more pressure on last time, pressure we unfortunately crumbled under, whilst this time, I don’t know, the whole thing felt lighter, in a weird way. We understood each other more, that much was obvious. “Look, I really don’t think I need to dress up…”

My voice trailed off as dozens of pairs of eyes seemed to turn to us as we entered the building. Both Lucy and Ashley noticed too, all of us pausing where we stood. This close to the bell, there weren’t many people out in the hallways, most already finding their seats in the various classrooms, but still, there were a lot of eyes on us for three, generally unnoticed, people.

It was Ash who started walking again first, brushing the eyes off after a mere moment, Lucy and I quickly following after her, finding it harder to pretend we didn’t notice. Yep, they were definitely looking at us, or more specifically, one of us. No prize for guessing who it was.

“You’re texting your man and telling him to pick you up from yours at six,” She said sternly,

“He’s not my man…” Though my stomach fluttered at the idea, “Wait… six? Why six?”

Ash stopped as we reached my locker, posing to give me the once over with her eyes, though there was the always present, playful glint in the green pair.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

I rolled my eyes, entering the code into my locker and giving it the extra good thump that it needed to unlock, emptying the books I didn’t need until later into it.

“Don’t suppose I’m gonna get any back up from you?” I glanced momentarily at Lucy,

“Hmmm… not really,” She replied,

“Thanks,”

That was no surprise, Lucy, who admittedly was the only one of us that had any proper clue about real fashion, was always up for a makeover. She had helped me look nice for my last date after all, even though her work never actually got seen by anyone other than my father, who probably wouldn’t notice if I walked in wear a binbag – as long as it reached at least mid-thigh that was.

I glanced around, catching two sophomore girls walk past us, glancing over and then giggling to themselves and not doing a very good job of hiding it. “Maybe it’s not me,” I tried, “Maybe it’s your haircut.”

“That’s likely,” Ash scoffed, “Some ginger chick gets a new cut versus the chief’s daughter who landed one on her ex-boyfriend.”

“I didn’t exactly land one,” I attempted to convince them – even though it was hopeless. Of course it was me everyone was staring at; it would be stupid to think any different. “I doubt I even did much damage.”

“I thought you said you broke his nose?” Lucy’s eyebrows rose as I slammed my locker door shut, a little viciously, and we started back towards our class. It was English first, which was a great way to start the day… not.

“Wishful thinking,” I muttered under my breath, “For it to be hard enough to break his nose my own hand would have to be a lot more damaged.”

Paul had told me that when I’d started mildly fretting about being charged with assault earlier. His amusement about the whole situation, though annoying, was relatively reassuring. He had a strangely objective view of the whole thing. In certain cases, like this, he was definitely the more rational one of the two of us, though it did flip depending on the day.

“Yeah,” Ash sighed in agreement, “Sad that.”

Lucy sent her a disapproving look, a stronger one than she sent me for actually punching the dude. Now, she was definitely the most rational of our trio. Ashley was the complete other end of the spectrum, whilst I seemed to be floating somewhere in the middle. I would have said I was closer to Lucy’s side, but after last night, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

The looks I got from people I hardly even knew were enough to tell me that my actions at the party hadn’t gone unnoticed. Unfortunately, Forks didn’t get much drama, so I had a nasty feeling that this would be following me around for a while.

We stopped at Lucy’s locker too, then had to go back to Ashely’s because she forgot something, but finally, we were ready to head to class, just as the warning bell rang. We all had this class together, which was the only thing that made it tolerable.

“Oh my God,” Lucy suddenly whispered under her breath, tugging on my sleeve, “Alex, look…”

I turned to where she was staring in confusion, only for my narrowed eyes to drop open wide. Libby held the door for him as they walked in, his movements slow as if he was in constant pain.

“Jesus,” Ash breathed, “He shouldn’t even be in school like that… Alex are you sure you only hit him once?”

There wasn’t any accusation in her voice, her question almost rhetorical, but I silently nodded anyway. I couldn’t think of any actual words to say at the sight of Harvey’s face, or the bloated, bruised version of it walking/limping through the doors. Alongside the cut and swelling around his nose, there were now a split lip and a very nasty looking black left eye.

I didn’t do that.

But if it wasn’t me… then who?

***

“Apparently he’s been telling all his teachers that he was mugged,” Lucy said,

I grimaced as we took our seats at our lunch table, following her line of sight to where Harvey was sat, slowly picking at his food but not actually eating any of it. Not that I blamed him, he really didn’t look good.

Libby was sat by his side, gently stroking his arm whilst quietly chatting with their other friends, but for the first time, he didn’t seem responsive to her affection. He just seemed… empty.

“That’s a relief,” I tore my eyes away from them, trying to sound as if I didn’t feel bad for him – which I didn’t – I was just confused about how he had ended up in that state.

What could have happened between now and the last time I saw him that could leave him looking like he was caught in a brawl? One he clearly lost?

I sighed, “The last thing I need is a trip to the principle’s office. I’m so dead if my dad finds out I even punched a guy, let alone supposedly beat him to a pulp,”

That’s what most of the school thought had happened. They thought I was to blame for all of it, thanks to the magical ability rumours have to get twisted like Chinese whispers. What had been the sight of Alex Swan, the chief’s daughter, landing a single punch on her ex as he harassed her, had turned into Alex Swan, who had secretly been taught offensive combat by her father, tackling Harvey Sullivan to the floor and beating the living daylight out of him.

“Nah,” Ash shook her head, “You don’t need to worry about that. They don’t care about anything that happens outside of school grounds, you’re safe.”

Lucy shook her head with a faint smile,

“It worries me how sure you are of that…”

Ash just winked which set the three of us off into a round of light laughter.

It struck me that I really didn’t know anything about Ashley’s life outside of who she was in school. She hardly ever talked about her home life; I don’t think I’d ever even seen her parents. I didn’t know her exact address having never been to her house, apart from her Dad owning the gym in town, her life was a complete mystery to me. I guess that’s the way she wanted it.

It wasn’t like she avoided talking about her family, I just couldn’t think of a single time when she had said, well anything, about herself really. Anything that wasn’t about her numerous boyfriends that was – if boyfriend was even the right term.

I studied my red-haired friend under the harsh cafeteria lights. Her new hairdo certainly suited her, maybe even more than the longer style did. Thin lines of liquid eyeliner traced the tops of her eyelids and her lips as always were shaded a light pink colour. Ashley would never fail to stand out in a room, both in appearance and personality. It was one of her best traits, I thought.

Both her and Lucy wore more makeup than I did, but both of them managed to wear it well. On a day-to-day basis, I didn’t really bother with it, except maybe concealer for a spot, or if I had terrible bags under my eyes (which had been more often recently). The occasional eyeliner for parties and special events, but otherwise I was just constantly checking all day to see whether it was smudged everywhere. I had a terrible habit of rubbing my eyes too, which didn’t make the situation any better either. So, I tended to skip out on the makeup.

“Maybe you had, you know, one of those blackouts, attacked him without remembering?”

“I don’t have amnesia Ash,” I sighed, stabbing at my salad with my fork. I’d lost my appetite a bit after catching sight of Harvey again. I may not have been the cause of it all, but I contributed to the rainbow of colours his face was now wearing. “I didn’t do it,”

“She’s right,” A new voice suddenly spoke out behind me,

We all turned to face Jason as he approached our table with his own tray of food, sporting his very own split lip. “I did.”

He paused, flicking a glance over his shoulder towards his usual table before turning back to us, “Can I sit?”

I nodded at him, shuffling up so there was more room for him to fit his tray. Jason was quiet as he took his seat, tongue dashing out over his lips that seemed dry with a sort of anxiety. He was wearing his usual denim jacket, but his body seemed a little smaller inside of it.

I tried to contain my shock and surprise at his revelation. If I was going to say there was one person even less confrontational than me, it would be Jason. And yet, he’d done _that_ to his best friend? He looked like he hardly had a scratch on his face in comparison, so I couldn’t imagine it being much of a fair fight. But I’d never seen Jason give any hint that he had that inside of him… I glanced worriedly at my friend.

“What happened?” I asked quietly, giving him a look that was easy to read. He knew he didn’t have to say anything if he didn’t want to.

He unwrapped his sandwich,

“I got sick of his shit.”

The words were harsh, bitten out, so there was clearly still anger there. Whatever happened, it wasn’t a punch it out and move on from it kind of situation. A moment of silence fell over the table and my other friends met my eyes, I’m not sure any of us knew what to say. After a few seconds, Ashley was thankfully the one to break the quiet, shrugging at Jason.

“Fair enough.”

I wasn’t surprised she would accept that and go on eating her lunch as if nothing happened. She hated Jason with a passion for what he did to me. When she'd first found out, she’d offered to do exactly what Jason had done now, hunt him down and beat him up – she’d even used those words. I think I’d quite like to live in her black and white world, at least you always knew where you stood.

Jason’s answer to my question didn’t provide any actual answer, but it was enough, and as much as he was willing to admit for now.

I knew it must have been something bad, for Jason to snap like that. Suddenly, I found myself losing the shred of sympathy I had for Harvey, knowing that he had somehow pushed his gentle best friend to _that_ … He must be in the wrong, at least partially.

Jason’s answer also told me that he wasn’t going to say anything more in front of the others, but left me thinking that he might open up to me a bit more in private at some point. Maybe it would be better to broach the topic in one of our one-on-one rehearsals this week. Not so much because I was curious, even though I was, but more so because I was concerned for the boy eating his lunch next to me. If he was hurt, I wanted to know why.

But that wasn’t a conversation for now. We needed a change of topic.

“What about Quil, Ash?” I asked her,

“What about Quil?” She repeated innocently, but even she couldn’t hide that her cheeks tinted a little closer to the shade of her hair.

“Well, you two seemed quite… close,” I chose the word carefully, “At the party. You going to see him again?”

“I dunno,”

“He seemed really into you,” Lucy added to my point, “I’m sure he’d want to.”

Ash still shrugged us off though, “I said I don’t know.” She replied, a little bit of a bite in her voice, “I’m not sure that I’m _that_ into him.”

Yeah, right. I could see by the way she refused to meet our eyes, studying her sandwich very closely as she held it up in front of her face, that that wasn’t the truth at all. She may have been quite drunk, but even Ash never normally moved that fast at a Party, nor did she stick around to drunkenly converse with boys after the snogging had happened.

She dropped said sandwich back down, looking to us, “He seemed a bit… young,”

“He’s the same age as us.”

“Nah,” She shook her head, “They’re the year below.”

“What?” I cocked my head at her, “No they’re not.”

“Yeah, they’re all sophomore’s.” Ash seemed confused at my confusion, “Aren’t you and Embry like best buddies? Shouldn’t you know this?”

“Yeah, but… no… but… he’s not a sophomore,”

All three other people at the table nodded their heads at me slowly, showing me I was very wrong. I was utterly confused. How did I not realise that? How had I been friends with Embry for months and not realised? I’d known Jake for years! How did I…

That meant Paul was also the school year below me.

I didn’t know what to think about that. Did it change anything? Did it? I guess not. He just seemed so… old. Looking at him you’d easily place him around twenty, not sixteen, and certainly not just sixteen, which is what he must be.

That means he was fifteen the night we met…

How was I stupid enough to not know any of this?

It didn’t really matter, but still. I was shocked that I could be oblivious to such an obvious fact staring me in the face.

I blinked blankly at the realisation.

“…I think we’ve broken her,”

They all chuckled around me as I tried to shake myself out of my momentary freeze. But I was still stuck, how was I so bloody oblivious? That also meant I took a load of sophomore's to a party full of alcohol and let them get drunk... whoops.

“Anyway,” Lucy carried on, “It’s cool you and Embry get on so well,”

My head snapped straight to the side, watching as Jason stopped mid-bite at her words.

“Really?” I asked,

“Yeah,” Lucy continued, “They were all huddled up in a corner together, the whole time you disappeared for,”

“Aww,” Ashley cooed, “Is that a bromance forming?”

“I didn’t know that?” I turned to him,

“Didn’t seem important.” Jason shrugged his shoulders, but he, like Ashley, wouldn’t meet my eyes.

My own ones narrowed slightly. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who experienced drama at the party, it seemed like there was a lot not being said by others. I made a mental note to call Embry later, my mind flashing back to Jason storming past me, and then me finding Embry drunk in the kitchen – maybe they’d had a fight or something, a verbal one that was. I wouldn’t put it past either of them to hide it from me. Jason probably didn’t want me to know that he didn’t like my best friend and vice versa.

Still, it was strange. I felt like I was missing something… something big.

My friends were all acting weird, and by that, I meant weirder than their usual weird. I was determined to get to the bottom of it, but maybe not tonight. None of it seemed perilously important and as selfish as it was, I wanted the rest of the world to wait for a while, just for tonight, just whilst I went on my date.

***

“What if he doesn’t arrive?”

I couldn’t help the question that had been ringing around my head for hours from bursting out of my mouth as I finally stood in front of the mirror.

It was a similar panic to what had niggled in my stomach the first time, only I hadn’t voiced those concerns out loud and they had come true. I knew I was being stupid, Paul had a perfectly reasonable explanation for what happened last time, even if he hadn’t told me what it was, and I believed him when he said it was important. He wasn’t going to let me down again; a large part of my head was yelling that he would rather die than risk my trust in him anymore, that was the part that had believed what I had seen and what I had heard. But a smaller part of my brain was still whispering all these doubts despite the screaming majority.

“Don’t be stupid,” Lucy came up behind me in the mirror, “He’ll be here.”

“Of course he will,” Ash joined in from her place cross-legged on the bed, “He doesn’t have a death wish after all.”

That caused both me and Lucy to roll our eyes. Ashley had already promised that if he stood me up again, he wouldn’t get another chance, that the police would find his lifeless corpse in a ditch before he could – which was a very dramatic joke and honestly, a little bit terrifying – but still, it was Ashley’s way of trying to calm my nerves. It did help, a bit.

The first couple of hours we were in here mainly consisted of arguing. Both of them were insistent on me wearing a dress, going full-on with makeup, hair, everything. On the other side of the battle was me, patiently reminding them of three things. Firstly, I hated wearing dresses. Secondly, that it was winter outside and therefore freezing cold, and I would not be going out in the evening with only tights over my legs. And thirdly, that I was going on a date with Paul, and one thing I did know about my date was that we wouldn’t be going to some fancy restaurant full of upper-class twats that I would have to fit in with – we weren’t that style of couple.

Although I did eventually come to agree with them that it was best to change out of my sweaty school clothes before the date, I was still more than happy to just go in jeans and a top like normal. Maybe throw my hair into a half-up half-down thing if they were lucky.

Finally, it seemed we reached a compromise.

I stood in the mirror, and it wasn’t like in the movies where the girl stands in front of her reflection and sees some magical transformation, where they suddenly looked stunningly beautiful and everything they wanted to be. But I did like what I saw, I really did.

I was wearing my smartest pair of blue skinny jeans and a nice fitted long-sleeve black top, the neckline of which would be very low, if it weren’t for the fact that it was laced up by ribbon-thick strips of the same material, creating a nice detail without revealing anything more than I was comfortable with. And it made my boobs like nice – so that was a bonus.

The compromise bit on my part was the makeup. I had, begrudgingly, let them have free reign over the head portion of my body. Lucy had taken the face, whilst Ashley had taken the hair. I had groaned when I saw both the straighteners and the curlers making an appearance from my bottom drawer, but apparently, to properly curl you had to straighten first or whatever. I just saw it as a lot of hassle to be honest.

Still, standing here now, I would argue it was worth it. My hair was indeed in a kind of half-up half-down style, only there quite about more of it down than up and the ends were curled nicely.

My eyes were lined with pencil eyeliner, properly, so my grey eyes even managed to stand out a little, but it wasn’t so dark that it was overbearing – I don’t know how Lucy did it. Mascara, some concealer under the eyes and in various other places, a little lip gloss (that I would wipe off, not liking the feeling) and some shimmery stuff on my cheekbones, and I was standing here looking perfectly like myself but feeling different compared to normal. 

Standing here, I found myself contemplating the idea that maybe there really was something for Paul to find attractive in _that_ way.

“Thanks, guys,” I told both of them, “I mean it.”

They both grinned in response, Lucy pulling me into a firm hug. It really did mean a lot, having them here. They’d been more than just people to talk to in the last nine months, they’d become solid parts of my life. They were that support network that everyone needed outside of the home, and they may not know everything about me, and I might not know everything about them, but that didn’t matter. Because they knew enough, and they had my back. In Ash’s case, sometimes I thought she had my back a little too much.

There was a difference in the friendship I had with these two compared to the one I had with Libby, and it was a healthy difference, I think. It was a lighter friendship, not one built on reliance, where one person needs one more than the other needs them. In fact, I didn’t need them at all. But I liked having them around, I cared for them, and my life was better with them in it.

I was going to be grateful for them as long as I had them.

Then the doorbell rang.

Bang on six o’clock. I swallowed deeply, offering both a nervous smile as I collected both my phone and Paul’s hoodie, which was still in my possession, before heading to leave my room.

“You two sure you’re good to let yourselves out?” I asked,

“Of course,” Lucy replied, “Go have fun,”

“But not too much!” Ashley called behind me, “And we want details tomorrow!”

I chuckled to myself as my bedroom door closed behind them, only to abruptly stop at the sight of another person standing in the opposite doorway. I paused for a few second at the sight of Bella standing there, holding onto the wooden door frame a bit like a support. She was still in the outfit she wore to school, the same outfit she would probably wear all week, and like always she looked tired and sad.

Tired and sad, how I hated that they were the two words I could find to describe her.

“You look really nice,”

Her voice is quiet, but still completely audible. I offered a small smile at her words, taking the compliment to be truthful, but a little surprised that she actually said it at all.

“Thanks,”

“Have a good time,”

I nodded at her, before carrying on downstairs.

Throwing on my thickest coat, and a scarf for good measure, I grabbed my keys from the bowl. I decided against a hat, willing to risk cold ears for the sake of not ruining Ash’s carefully styled masterpiece. I could see his silhouette through the glass.

I was nervous now, maybe even more so than last time. But it was a good nervous, like a mild excitement brewing underneath my skin. My stomach was all knotted and my heart all jumpy, the same way they always were when I was around him. It was a nice feeling. Taking a deep breath to calm my jittering body I walked forward and opened the door, as always meeting the warm brown eyes of Paul Lahote

“Hi,” I breathed,

“Hi,” Paul grinned back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo! I got this one up early!
> 
> Hope you like it! I never like to call any of my chapters fillers, I like to think of each of them important in different ways. Just because some don't include Paul, doesn't mean they're not crucial to the storyline in some way or another, and this one is certainly no different. Set up a lot of stuff to speculate about here... who can guess what's going on outside the bubble of Paul and Alex?
> 
> I also want to celebrate that this is in fact the second to last chapter of part two! And if you think this part was dramatic, then you've got a whole other thing coming your way!
> 
> I want to just say another huge thank you for all the support this book has gotten so far. It's amazing and you are all amazing, so thank you so much xx
> 
> Please don't hesitate to keep letting me know what you think... I'd love to hear some theories about the other characters...
> 
> Hope you are all staying healthy and safe xx


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